Write In My Heart

Chapter 14: Safe Spaces

Johnathan and I had been doing pretty good with our arrangement.

He was no longer actively avoiding me at school and we'd both mastered the art of pretend. Pretending not to notice the way our legs pressed against one another's in home room. Pretending not to sneak glances at each other in the hallways during passing period. Pretending not to love every second our skin touched wrestling. We were good at pretending...most of the time. There were moments where we might've been a little too obvious, like the way he'd lean in to look over my shoulder when we were in home room, or the new frequency that we were sharing our food at lunch, or the fact that we always came and left from places together.

As expected, my parents were beyond pissed when I came home after staying super late at Johnathan's. My father wouldn't talk to me out of frustration, Alice was scared and confused, and my mother was just tired. On one hand I felt bad for the strife this secret was causing my family, but when I thought of the possible alternative–– hateful words, nasty stares, and disownment–– I decided that it was for the best, at least for now.

After about two days of awkward tension in the house and Alice being the only one to regularly socialize with me so I could hold down our dog Lucy while she dressed her up, my mother slid into my room as I was getting ready for bed. After about five minutes of her silently sitting on the edge of my bed, she finally asked me if I was ready to talk.

Fatigue wore away at her features, the kind that came from more than just a lack of sleep. I knew that she really wanted to help, but I also knew that she couldn't. So, despite how much I hated it, I lied to her and told her that college was stressing me out and it had put me in a bit of a depression and that was the reason for my mood change. And that wasn't completely false. I had just substituted the word "sexuality" for "college", but all of the emotions and stress that I conveyed to her had been true.

But what made me feel even worse was how bad she instantly felt and how she profusely apologized for "not noticing it sooner" and for "punishing me for my sadness". My mom was a really good woman, and by keeping this part of myself a secret, that ensured that she'd stay that way.

It was obvious that she'd conveyed the news to my father because in the morning when I was siting eating breakfast, he came down and hugged me, something that he almost never did. "I'm sorry, Asa. You know you can talk to me, right?" He'd said, his voice almost a whisper. "I love you. I know I don't say it a lot but I do. Remember that, okay?"

My family became overly loving toward me, which I liked for the first two days but I quickly started to hate it since their undivided attention on me gave me fewer and fewer opportunities to sneak out and hang out with Johnathan. My boyfriend. Who loved me. Every time I replayed those words in my head, my body was filled with warmth.

After about a week, things went back to normal, which gave Johnathan and I time to be ourselves, or at least try to. Since my house was now completely off limits, old parking lots and Johnathan's house when his parents weren't there became our main spots.

It was hard at first, trying to contain myself and not just kiss him every time the urge hit me and to no to openly drool over his body in wrestling practice, but it was a craft that I was slowly perfecting.

Which included this moment.

We were sitting in the bed of my truck in an old parking lot that once belonged to some obsolete restaurant. He was nervously biting on his lower lip and his hand tightly held mine. The golden light of the sunset was getting tangled with the nervousness that consumed his usually playful grey eyes.

We were meeting with Layla to talk about us and, though he'd originally been relaxed about the situation, he'd gradually got more and anxious throughout the day. I honestly felt bad that I was essentially the source of his stress. If I hadn't told her without him then maybe he'd be less stressed out.