Write In My Heart

Chapter Eight: Different

My heart was hammering in my chest as I walked through the familiar hallways of my school.

The same buzz of conversations filled the air, the same cliques of students formed around the lockers, and the same distinct school smell hung in the air.

Everything was the same.

Yet everything was drastically different.

Anxiety pumped through my veins like blood as my legs carried me to my locker. Every eye that met mine could know my secret. Every "Hey Asa," could be the precursor to me being outted. Every familiar pat on the shoulder could turn into a violent shove.

Despite the fact I knew that I was overreacting— something that was becoming a talent of mine—that didn't deter the carnivorous thoughts that were picking at the meat of my brain like vultures around a corpse.

"Asa!" A voice said from behind me before I was practically tackled to the ground. Every alarm went off in my head as my body tensed, fight or flight mode fully activated. I was prepared to shove the person off of me as hard as I could and book it out of the school, never to turn back, before my eyes met the familiar, yet concerned, ones of Layla.

I let out a breath as I relaxed, or tried to relax which was hard as she tightly held me like a boa constrictor. "What the hell? You had me worried when you suddenly hung up last night and didn't respond to any of my calls. I was going to call the police if you hadn't shown up today, no joke."

I let out a small chuckle as her grip loosened up. "Thanks, Lay. But I'm fine, promise."

Her eyebrows furrowed as she forced an angry look onto her face. "You're beyond lucky that I'm too busy being happy that you're okay to properly scold you. I was worried sick, especially after you sounded so distressed on the phone. I was afraid that..."

Though her voice trailed off, I could practically hear her thoughts.

I was afraid that you hurt yourself.

Though Layla didn't know how bad my depression could get–– nor would she ever know–– she knew that it was bad. I instantly felt bad for making her so worried about me. I hated people that I cared about feeling any negative emotion on my behalf.

"Come 'ere," I said as I pulled her into a proper hug, resting my chin on top of her head. "I'm sorry. Really. I didn't mean to make you worry. Thank you for caring about me so much, though."

"What happened?"

The truth burned on the tip of my tongue. I wanted nothing more than to discuss the absolute madness that transpired over the past twenty-four hours with my best friend. To begrudgingly tell her that she was right and that Johnathan did in fact like me back. But I stopped myself. I didn't know what this thing between Johnathan and I was, and I didn't want to air it out too soon or put a label where it didn't belong.

I couldn't embarrass myself like that.

"My parents came home and I didn't want them to be nosy about our conversation like they always are. I meant to call you back and then Alice just kept talking about her concert and wanted to watch a movie, so it just slipped my mind."

"But everything is fine?"

"Everything is fine," I confirmed with a nod, though everything was not fine. Or rather, everything was too fine. I'd made up with Johnathan. I'd made out with Johnathan (multiple times), but now I had to pretend that everything was the same. Like I was the same Asa, even when I was very far from it.

Deep down, I was having a full gay crisis. I'd gotten the boy that I wanted, in the way that I'd wanted, but I still wanted more. I wanted to call him my boyfriend, even if only the two of us knew. I wanted to hold him, and not be confused about what our dynamic was. I wanted to know he was mine and only mine.