Estranged | ✓

IV. never yours

anupamaa:

The smoke was suffocating.
What more did I need to know about him even after nine years of marriage?

He had another love,
And he was, what looked like, a chain smoker.

Vanraj Shah stood up, throwing the cigarette in his hand away onto the grass.
The park was absolutely empty.

"Staying in this smoke is not good for the health of our child.", He stated simply.
I really wanted to hurl something at him.

But I held onto my composure.

"I need my answer.", I stated simply.
He sighed.
"Let's go home.", He said, deviating the topic.
"I NEED MY ANSWER!", I shouted at him, my patience had given away.

He stared at me.
He obviously hadn't expected that from the girl who had, for the last nine years, kept her mouth shut and accepted all his atrocities.

I had brought his phone from home as evidence and held it out to him.
He stared at it and then shut his eyes, realising his mistake.

"You are getting it wrong.", He said.
"Yes.", I stated, losing my calm, "I am the one who gets it wrong always! I am the one who is dumb! I am the one who is not worth a great man like you! YOU ARE A CHEATER VANRAJ SHAH! I loved you! But you were never mine!"

I felt tears itch my eyes.
My throat felt numb with tears. I had taken his name for the first time and I felt no regret.
It was just a piercing ache of heartbreak.

I loved him so much, and in return I got betrayal and pain.
He looked tired.
I noticed the whole empty packet of cigarette on the grass.

"Anupamaa.. I really don't want to talk now.. I am not well and-", he started coughing.

I instantly wanted to comfort him but today I stood my ground. I stood still as I watched him cough painfully.

A tear slipped my eye.
I finally walked down to him.
For me even touching him was a thing of great achievement. Only he allowed me to touch him. If I ever did it when I wished to, he'd simply snap at me in the nastiest way possible.

He was not my husband, but a God I had made up in my head, that I worshipped despite being wronged, I realised.

And today my God had failed me in the worst ways possible.

He stopped coughing. His perfectly combed her looked like a mess, his eyes were bloodshot.
Had he been crying?

We stood only inched apart. He clutched onto the park's metal seat that he had been sitting on for balance.

He looked at me, in pain.
I should be the one in pain but here it looked him he too was dealing with something.
I was missing something.

"I am not cheating on you.", He said in a raspy voice.
"But.. I was never yours."

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