Unconditional Feelings (Heesun)

26

After Sunoo had pulled away from the everlasting kiss, he felt frightened upon his own actions. He knew he would later realize that the kiss meant nothing to the older. Sunoo found himself questioning his own sanity, right in front of the older, who was staring down at the shorter.

“Sunoo….why did you kiss me?” Heeseung asked after gaining the courage to do so. “Do you perhaps like me?” Heeseung’s lips drew into a thin line as he drowned into his thoughts.

“Don’t overthink it, hyung, you wouldn’t shut up. I—I had no other choice but to do so…” He paused to groan. “If you would’ve just let me speak, I wouldn’t have done so…”

“So…you kissed me because you wanted to shut me off? Is that the type of game you’re playing here?” Heeseung’s voice was stern, his demanour suddenly shifted, and he seemed annoyed.

“I’m sick and tired of you, hyung! I tried talking to you multiple times—over everything, but you—you always cut me off! I have feelings—so do you—so why can’t you be a little considerate and have some common sense and actually listen to me!?” Sunoo lashed out at the older. He couldn’t hide his frustrations any longer. He had to say what he had to say to prove his point. “I know you hate me, but why? What did I ever do to you—everytime we’re together, you always provoke me, call me hurtful slurs—hit me…but that day, you were different…you gave me hope for something better, so I tried talking to you, I tried telling you about my true feelings, but you always disregard me and walk away.” He panted heavily and strode away, leaving the older speechless.

‘Is that…what I’ve been doing to him…?’ Heeseung grimaced upon the thought and felt his heart shatter. He knew he was too dense to realize, but something inside him felt petrified..

Sunoo continued walking, waiting for the older to grab his wrist and hug him—but he felt nothing—he didn’t even bother calling him. He just watched him disappear into the darkness.

Heeseung’s phone rang, and he reazlied what day it was supposed to be. He was supposed to meet the daughter his dad told him about. He completely forgot about everything, and he knew what would happen once he headed home. He was scared to go home, but facing away from his problem would have larger consequences.

Sunoo felt light-headed after everything, and he just wanted to go home. ‘I thought kisses were supposed to be romantic…why does it hurt so much?’ He shook his head and dragged his heavy feet to his house.

He unlocked the door, which reverberated a eerie squeak. He sighed at the emptiness. The main entrance was dark and hollow. Everything inside the house looked almost abandoned, as if not a single soul had stepped inside of it. He threw his shoes off, flicking the light switch by the living room wall, and headed straight for his bedroom, not paying slight attention to anything else. He needed sleep—he wished everything would’ve been a dream.

‘Love is a lie, I loved that lie.’ He remembered one of the lines from a song that he had heard, and that line seemed to have perfectly contrast with Sunoo’s fake bright reality.

From everyone else’s perspective, Sunoo was a shy, introverted, sweet boy. But in reality, Sunoo could be someone so toxic—someone so manipulative that it wouldn’t even seem like the same person anymore.

Sunoo’s duality is something out of the world–something completely out of the ordinary. It was something nobody—not a single soul knew of. He preferred it that way anyway. He didn’t want to reveal the black and white reality hiding behind the blooming, colorful painting.

He took his unbuttoned his shirt, throwing it on the floor, and jumped on his bed, creating a loud thump from the bed frame. He tossed and turned to feel the cold sheets brushing against his sweaty skin. It felt comforting.

‘Why’d he pull me into another kiss? Did he actually like me? Do I like him—it’s possible—but it was so out of the blue…’

________

Heeseung had no other choice but to accept his father’s beatings. After all, it was his fault for being the way he is. His mom was out of the family’s frame two years ago because she was tired of being someone who she actually wasn’t. She wasn’t supposed to be a mother—she just married the guy for money, but turns out that she more responsibilities than to just serve and fuck her husband for pleasure everyday.

She knew about her husband’s ‘secret’ affairs and scandals, and pretended to care for her one and only child, but soon gave up after finding another guy.

It was just Heeseung and his father left in the house. Other than the maids, who actually cared for the kid, nobody else seemed to have known what goes inside the walls of the enclosed, almost perfect house.

“HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU HEESEUNG?! JUST LISTEN TO YOUR FUCKING DAD FOR ONCE, YOU ASSHOLE!” His dad shouted at him inside his office, slamming the books on the brown carpet. He frustratedly groaned and situated himself in his office chair, running a hand through his hair. “Sit down,” He commanded Heeseung, and Heeseung plainly threw himself on the seat in front of the office desk.

“What happened? Why weren’t you here?”

“I was out with friends. I forgot.” Heeseung deadpanned, tired of all the bullshit his father displayed.

“Heeseung, you’re 19 now…use your fucking brain for once. I gave you the same chance last year—you’re supposed to be in college right now. Take this year seriously.” His dad sounded stern and serious, but it was because he was sober. He would drink and blame the alcohol for the way he acted. He would brutally abuse Heeseung everytime he drank—he knew that too, but preferred not to tell anyone about it.

“You’re staying home tomorrow, preparing for the better, and meeting Mr. Jang’s daughter. She is beautiful, admirable and someone who is accomplished in the business world; she is the perfect match for you.” He paused to exhale, and glanced around the room, staring blankly at the clock. “ You probably don’t even know that she goes to your school. Her name’s Jang Wonyoung, you’ll be her fiance if things go right. You can leave now.”

Heeseung didn’t even bother looking back, and paced out of the office, heading straight to his bedroom, ignoring the maid’s concerning stares.

The maids genuinly cared for young boy, and knew how much he had suffered. They tried everything they could to make the boy feel at home, but they knew they couldn’t do much–since they weren’t someone who he should solely depend on; they would have to leave one day, not minding everything and just move on eventually with their own busy lives— because, well, everyone has their own problems in life—big or small, they are painful, so why should they worry about others when they can’t decide whether they are worthless or not.