DECEMBER JANE

December: I'm Sorry

I bombed the church.

Keystone Catholic is now a half-building, half-rubble pile.

It's gone.

Holy shit, I'm a monster. I'm nothing under the eyes of God but a soul bound for hell. I am destined to rot in fire for eternity. I don't care if it was to save us. It was stupid, the idea.

Fuck, why did I do it?! Why did I light it?! What happened?!

My body had to have been thrown about five meters from where I stood, and I definitely blacked out for a moment. When I woke up, the most I could see from my blurry vision was fire and panicked figures scattering like ants. My entire body was numb. Brushing my hand against the ground, I could feel anything. I pressed my hands against the ground and hoisted myself up. Pain shot from everywhere in my body, especially my left arm. I looked down to find my hand support was totally busted from the elbow down. The burns seemed to be worse and farther spread. There were even small burn marks on my opposite shoulder now.

Laori, I thought. That woke me up. I need to find Laori.

I fought against the agony and weight of my body to the thought of her, finding her alive, finding James with her in the trees safe and sound. She was okay, I knew that. But I still had to find her. Once I was on my feet, I looked around in an attempt to find the white-masked dude. He was nowhere to be seen. I shuffled away from the burning and looked around in search.

"Laori?! Ann?!" I called. "Laori, Ann, where are you?!"

Nothing.

The feeling started to come back into my legs. It was a tearing pain, and I now regret ever wishing for the feeling to come back. It was much easier to walk, though, so I used my newfound speed to run straight for the trees.

"Laori?! Laori!"
The ball of flames behind me lit my way to the ditch across the road. I could see from my position a body, limp on the ground. Behind it stood a familiar figure, Ann. She was a few feet back from it, with her hands clasped tightly around her face.

I stumbled towards her off the road. "You're alive," I exhaled. She didn't budge. I stopped with a frown, but then glanced at the body on the ground. It was bloody and twisted, but God, did I know it too well.

Holy shit.

Oh my God.

Fuck, no, please no.

That's not her. There's no way.

I started to walk again, but then a walk turned into a jog, then a sprint. My knees crashed right beside her. I moved her body to face her against the light.

Laori, the body, did not breathe. She didn't flinch when I tapped her. Her skin was icy.

She can't be dead. She can't be dead. She's not dead.

"She's dead," Ann murmured. "I'm sorry."

I pulled her into my arms. Her head lay limp in the crook of my arm.

My chest convulsed in sobs. "No," I cried. "Shit, Laori, wake up!" I shook her with the strength I had left. "WAKE UP!"
She lay silent and still.

I cried, pulling her into my chest. I cried even though my chest burned. I cried even though her body now smelled foul of iron and flesh. I cried even when I barely knew her.

I loved her. She was dead and she never knew that I loved her.

Nothing else would have made me realize that either, not until now-- but it's too late. I was stupid to go on. I was stupid to let myself into another life. Leaving the hospital was the most tragic decision I had yet to make in my lifetime.