Rise Up

Chapter 10: Old Memories

Spa.

Not the wellness place where you pay to relax with a good massage and a hot bath.

Spa as "the most terrific circuit ever".

I raced here before just twice: in 2018, during my second season with Prema and an year later, in 2019, with RedBull in F2.

Everybody knows well what happened that weekend- basically a huge mess. Crashes and bad accidents from the first day of the free practices to the race day. Many driver got injured and one in particular, loose more, too much indeed.

Anthoine and I were friends. We were in different teams, we didn't get the chance to know our personal life, but we understood each other in a unique way. He could sense just in my gaze if there was something wrong, as if he had a strange super-power. But most important he was a good guy and everybody that had the opportunity of meeting him, knew it.

Being here, for the first time, after two years, again for the GP, was too much for me.

I started missing my sleep last night. The next morning I was feeling nauseous all the way to the track. My hands have never felt so sweaty before. 

I'm not worried, I'm terrified.

 After that terrible GP, exactly one week later, I had the crash. The only difference? I'm still here to tell about it and he's not.

Today is Thursday aka media day, my least favorite day of the whole weekend.

I'm a reserve driver after all, who cares about me?

I have already had a long session in my driver's room with Hannah- my therapist- who helped me release and try to deal with my negative thoughts, also practicing some good breathe exercises that really calmed me down for a bit, but unluckily it wasn't enough. 

She banned me smoking but seeing me so nervous, she allowed me a cigarette, even if I've already had the one of this week.

Fred and others from the team asked me to go for a walk on the track, but just the idea of coming back in that exact point, reliving the moment, scared the shit out of me.

Instead I asked Mike - my trainer- to do some cardio at the back of the hospitality, in an attempt of focusing my attention on something else.

"Keep pushing! You're almost there!" Mike yelled at me to encourage me finish the set. 

"Urgh, every muscle of my body is burning."

"It means our training is working! C'mon, move that legs!"

I wanted to lay down and give up but I promised myself to be brave and strong this weekend, in reality not for me, but for him.

"Ok, you did it. Let's do some stretching now. Lay down on the mattress."

I did as he asked so he could start touching with his magic fingers my poor muscles but I gasped loudly as soon as he pressed his hand on my knee. He pulled my trousers a bit up to examine my leg.

"Fuck. What have you done? You have a huge bruise here, I'm pretty sure you didn't have it last week." He noticed it without difficulties as the big blue and black mark was big for real. 

"It's nothing, I already showed it to Doc and he said it's ok but I should pay more attention."

"What have you done? Did you fall again?" Oh, he remembered the many timed I fell from the stairs when the knee was too stressed to move and I was in that period of life of refuse of clutches. 

"No, no, I've just..." Think Kiara, quick! "I didn't see the coffee table in my living room in the dark."

"How goofy you are! Anyway you should really be careful where you put your feet." He laughed at me obviously, then he put some magic lotion on my knee- I was skeptical at first but then I realized it actually worked, making it less painful and swell. Well, only sometimes.

Media day and the first free practices flew quickly for my luckiness.

On one hand I couldn't wait to go over this weekend and forget about everything, but on the other I didn't want this to end because this would have meant going back at doing nothing at home and just complaining about my miserable life like always- well, actually I should study because a degree in Engineering requires some effort, but that's not the point.

However I wasn't the only one struggling this weekend. Pierre has been distant the whole time, so I decided to go look for him before going back to the hotel, just after the debrief post quali. I asked about him around the garage and motorhome but nobody knew where he was. A little while before giving up my researches, I found him at the saddest spot of the track with a huge bouquet of flowers.

Grabbing a hoodie from the team wear, I walked up to him in silence and stood behind him for a few minutes, trying to not invade his moment. Then I decided to move a bit forward to let him know that I was here too.

"How can you do all of this?" He whispered as soon as he noticed me.

"Ehm, what do you mean?" I was scared of the next question.

"After all you've been through- I mean the accident, the problem with the team, losing the seat and everything. How do you still do this?"

Oh, I didn't expect it. 

"A good psychologist and lots of fortune?" I tried to break the tension, at least loosen it up a bit.

"I can't imagine how you feel about him, the accident and all the problems of that period. You're still here though: alive, with the same passion than before. I-I just don't get it."

"You don't know how much is hard Pierre." I said, taking a step closer. I wanted to bend down and sit next to him, but the knee didn't allow it. 

"Ok, maybe you're struggling a bit but, I mean, you don't show it, to anybody. I can swear to God, everybody look at you in the paddock and think about how much a badass you are. You're an example model to everyone, Kiara. I hope you know it. I'd like to have half of the braveness you have."

His words surprised me a lot.

I passed quickly my hands on my stupid wet eyes and hugged him from behind with all myself.

"Pierre, for the little I know, you're a good person, please never doubt it. You're so strong, mature, responsible, I'm jealous of your passion, and for what it counts, I'm proud of you, and I'm pretty sure he is too."

We hugged a bit more, this time properly as he stood up now, until we heard a few raindrops on our head. We broke the hug and looked at each other, then we started laughing so bad, like little kids.

I grabbed his hand and pulled him in for a little dance in front of this spot. Ant and I were used to dance like this, celebrating a podium after the celebrations, in the spots of champagne in the paddock.

We danced until we were completely wet and then we ran off the hospitality. While catching back our breaths, he spoke again. 

"Thank you Kiara, you're a great friend. He had spoken often about you, you know?" He chuckled, maybe remembering the good times with his friend. 

"Just to let you know, you're my new best friend, Pierre."