Words & Dreams (Book 1 of Smithers Family Saga)

Chapter 18

"I'm leaving New York soon. At least the city," Violet said to Sheryl, the old lady in the park.

"That's too bad," Sheryl said. "I like these dogs," she said, holding Juliet on her lap.

Hordes of pigeons were around them like predators.

"I feel like the pigeons want to eat the puppies," Violet said.

"They recognize me," Sheryl said. "Even without bread, when it's gone. It's a nice feeling. I only feel it at the community center for the elderly. And then, I still have to talk. With people who have kids. Oftentimes, ones that rarely see them. This uninvited competition of the breeders and the ones that... that couldn't."

"Do you wish you had kids?" Violet said.

"I have plenty of ducks and pigeons! And I have a cat at home- but I have a feeling that question isn't about me, so much as it's about you."

"It is," Violet said. "There's- a new beginning seems imminent. And I'm scared. Threatened by it. As if- I don't know- there's a path I want to walk, but there are bears there, or something. Like I might get more than I hoped for."

"That just sounds like life," Sheryl said, and she made a motion to trade Juliet for Romeo and then Romeo was lying on her lap, his long ears dangling as he closed his eyes. "Which one is this?" she said. "I can't look myself. The little sweetheart's dozing."

"I think that's..." and Violet lifted Juliet. "That must be Romeo."

"Look at him. Just look at him sleeping. That must be why Juliet put up with all of Romeo's nonsense. She saw him resting, and thought, 'that's my man' or maybe that's my projection. It's a dog, after all."

"Yeah."

"What would you want?" Sheryl said. "If you had to pick- a little Romeo or a Juliet?"

"You mean- me- if I had a child?"

"Yes."

"Well, if I had to have one-" Violet said, "and I'm not going to answer with a boy or girl- I'll answer with the personality. My husband is too much of a Juliet already. And I don't want to be bored. Boy or girl, I think I'd take a Romeo, if I'm being honest with myself. A little hellion."

Juliet yapped at a waddling duck.

"Is that bark prophetic?" Sheryl said and began to laugh.

"My husband would be the Juliet- and the duck- this thought-experiment doesn't work," Violet said. "Almost as if dogs aren't people."

"Neither are pigeons," Sheryl said. "And sometimes, that's a good thing."

"I've got to admit," Violet said, thinking she knew Sheryl well enough to say it, "I don't think I want to live to be an old lady, where I have to feed bread to ducks and pigeons."

Sheryl inhaled deep. Not the laugh that Violet was hoping for.

"That was a cruel thing to say," Sheryl said.

"I'm sorry," Violet said.

"If I didn't have Romeo in my lap, I think I'd smack you."

"Go ahead if you need to," Violet said.

"No. I don't really want to. You really hurt my feelings- but- I'll respond and be the better person. If you don't want to be me, you're going to need to do what you're afraid to do. Go where the bears are or whatever. I- I think I was courageous in life; at least, in my own way. It just- it didn't work to perfection. Or... or I just got the shitty ending. But why should I let others tell me which ending I got? I mean, you go to the movies, watch television, read books, and there it is, the message: procreation leads to happiness. You must be in a relationship. Then you must marry. Have children. But what if I never wanted any of those? My life has been better for what I have not wanted. I chose this ending- though there are days when I wish I chose a different one. But then I would have made myself unhappy in the past, would have done many things I did not want, all to be like others. If it weren't for people- like you, for instance- telling me that I'd wasted it all, that I'd made bravery and loneliness the same path- then I never would regret my present. In the past it was always, 'do this, do this' and now it's 'You should have, you should have' and now that I'm old I don't have a choice but to see their point. I made the unselfish choice to be myself, and now I'm dragged along, sometimes seeing my isolation in every duck, pigeon, billboard. For what? A collective mind, that isn't my own, that tells me that it's time I thought like it. I know in five to ten years- I'll have to leave. Change my life, though it could come sooner. Without a kid to visit. To hold me, tell me that I meant something, even if it was just the act of creating them."

Tears ran down Sheryl's face.

"I'm so sorry," Violet said.

"I'm sure you are," Sheryl said, wiping her face with the sleeves of her baggy grey sweatshirt. Violet reached into her purse and took out a small box of tissues. "But it doesn't change things. The fact that I don't want to look in the mirror and reflect. I'm too goddamned old for it."

As Sheryl used a tissue to blow her nose, Violet took another tissue and used it to wipe the tears from Sheryl's face.

"So you're leaving New York," Sheryl said, changing the subject. "You know it was nice to talk to someone young. Even if she might be making up her whole life story and telling me it for her own amusement... at my expense."

"Don't say that," Violet said. She put Juliet down in the stroller and reached over and hugged Sheryl. She had the distinct smell of an old person. "No need to get paranoid," Violet said, whispering in Sheryl's ear.

"I don't have much," Sheryl said. "And now that you're leaving; did you have to hurt me to feel good about it? Leaving?"

"No," Violet said. I don't think so, at least, she thought. "I'm just an idiot. Ask anyone who knows me. I love well, but I hit harder. Some cruelty in me. A need to- I don't know. Feel better, maybe. I'm sorry."

"It's alright," Sheryl said, who now hugged Violet back, although not in a full embrace, as she still had Romeo in her lap, and then let go.

Romeo's eyes opened as they parted.

Violet's eyes were wet, but she had not cried. As though it was necessary for her to be strong, if Sheryl should be weak.

"Ah, you woke up," Violet said to Romeo.