Deep Bruises of War (Finnished)

XV What is enough

But with this and more all gone, she became only a shadow of who she was, something thin and miserable, something that reminded him of a young boy, bruised on the body and soul, so deeply wounded that he never thought about fully trusting anyone but himself...

And after what Dumbledore had done to him... how he used and betrayed him... Snape was sure that he will never put any trust in anybody again.

He gnashed his teeth until they hurt.

Finally he knew the reason he disliked her so much, why he felt so disgusted by her existence and yet... Yet he somehow needed to help her. Every time she had trouble he simultaneously went livid and ran to help her.

The simple and surprising truth was she used Unforgivable Curses and, as a result, drained her soul. From Granger's behaviour he concluded that whatever she did, it turned to be too much for her. But what exactly was too much for Granger? Was it one, innocent kill to protect herself or people she loved? Or maybe something darker?

He has known already that she could act ruthlessly when it came to safety of her family and friends. She stole from him, attacked him and was not afraid to chase the basilisk when she was as much as thirteen. When she was legally an adult, she erased her own parent's memory and send them both away to Australia just because she believed they may get killed.

She was smart. She was talented and she got the guts for these all at such a young age. So, it seemed, that what happened during the war, was only a logical continuity. He heard that she used Crucio on Bella. That she came with the idea to kidnap some workers from the Ministry and get to Umbridge. When she was forced to act so, she could be nearly as cold and calculating as he was at her age.

Only, so until some point, she behaved more sensibly and with much more reason and never got into any inexcusable troubles.

And, one day, she must had failed with her judgement. She must had done something that changed her. Destroyed her.

He have been suspecting as much for a while now, but today he got his answer.

And here lied the real problem: he didn't know how he was supposed to deal with something like that.

He was the worst, the most harsh and cruel person in the whole castle. He was hard on everyone. Most of all, on himself. He never pitied, never shed a tear. Never considered himself worthy of anything.

He just wanted to pay his depths as well as he could and finally be left alone. Leave the world of men on his own term, somewhere far, far away from his past.

But peace was never something meant to be granted to him so easily, even after all he had already sacrificed.

Was he always to be a slave to his true as well as imaginary duties and obligations?

It all enraged him, made him furious at himself, restless and, most of all, helpless. And Severus Snape couldn't stand the feeling of being powerless and controlled. Desperation also was his long-known spouse, he got used to her but never loved her or admired the deeds committed under her pressure. He wanted to get rid of them all.

If he only could.

After nearly forty years of his miserable life, Snape knew, that he will never do much better in his life, so his best shot was to just run away and hide. And that was his master plan. Having finished his opus magnum, the artist could rest and find some tranquillity in simple inactivity and leisure, couldn't he?

Snape hissed and cursed. Well, at least he pretended to do the second part for real, because what escaped his mouth were just indistinct, meaningless gobbles and rasps. Hoarse, sibilant laugh followed the unsuccessful attempt and Snape stood up to pour himself some whisky.