The Bargain

Chapter 3

~GWYN~

"Excellent work today everyone!" Professor Tanwyn praised the choir with a smile. "That piece is really coming along. Roslin, you were a little flat in the middle. Deirdre, watch that high note at the end." The two girls nodded dutifully as the entire ensemble began to file from the risers.

"Don't forget, initial costume fittings are tonight. Please don't be late." This reminder earned a few grumbles. The VU choir costumes were notoriously terrible. They flattered absolutely no one. Every year it was rumored that they were going to be replaced with something better, but in the end they never were. At this point, it wasn't clear if the University maintained them out of a misplaced sense of tradition or if the powers that be were simply too disinterested in the performing arts program to be bothered. Sure, VU had produced some distinguished alumni who had gone on to win Grammys, Tonys, even an Oscar; but those honors paled in comparison to the University's reputation as a sports powerhouse.

The class gathered their coats and bags and began filing out of the auditorium where rehearsal had been taking place. Gwyn was laughing at something Ananke said when Professor Tanwyn called her name.

"Gwyn?" She spoke softly, but was still easily heard above of the chaos of the departing students. "A word?"

Gwyn waved goodbye to Ananke and turned to face her favorite professor. She had rarely seen her without a smile, though sometimes that smile was more akin to a storm. Gwyn also knew the woman had a backbone of steel. She needed one if she had any hope of managing the divas and prima donnas of the VU performing arts department.

"The sign-up for auditions for the Winter Solstice Showcase soloists slots went up on Monday." Professor Tanwyn's eager eyes searched Gwyn's face for any sign of emotion. But Gwyn very carefully fought to keep her face neutral. "I couldn't help but notice in the three days since, that your name has yet to be added."

Gwyn opened her mouth to reply, but nothing came out. Every word that she might string together into a response seemed to die in her throat.

"You're not an underclassman anymore," Professor Tanwyn continued, gracefully, and tactfully, covering Gwyn's silence. "As a junior, I expected that you would sign up. Not to mention, I'm tired of watching my most talented student hide herself in the chorus." She smiled warmly at Gwyn.

Gwyn could only manage a weak smile in return. She knew Professor Tanwyn meant well; she knew that she was only trying to encourage her. But every time she thought about stepping into the spotlight at center stage, she panicked. It's not that she had stage fright; Gwyn didn't mind being up there, standing in the bright spotlight, commanding the attention of everyone in the room. She had been performing for as long as she could remember. The problem was she had never done it alone before. She had never intended to do it alone; Catrin was supposed to be with her every step of the way.

As Gwyn struggled to find the right words to politely demure, the only ones that came to mind were the mantra her therapist had been encouraging her to embrace. There was nothing wrong with living. She was allowed to experience life. She didn't have to hide herself away or live a half-life. There was no shame in knowing what she wanted and chasing after it. Gwyn had been trying to take that advice to heart, but every time she got close to actually following it, she froze up or chickened out.

Nesta had been encouraging her to get back out there, too. To open herself up to new experiences, new opportunities. After her chance run-in with Tarquin on Monday before class, Gwyn resolved to 'casually' bump into him after class on Wednesday. But nothing had gone according to plan: she hadn't been able to catch him on the way out of the lecture hall; she had been separated from him in the line to get their graded midterms and impromptu essay assignments back. By the time she collected hers, he was already more than halfway across the quad. It would have looked desperate to chase after him. So instead, she stood on the steps of Autumn Hall and watched him walk away. Again.