Melancholia

Chapter 19

So, I really don't like how this chapter turned out at all. I kept rewriting scenes but in the end, I decided to go with it how it is now, but still SO WORRIED HOW I WROTE TSUNADE BTW. I TRIED MY BEST BUT AGHHH

...

He knows.

This was the first thought that registered in Naruto's mind after the words left Shikamaru's mouth.

"...Naruto, these people you're talking about... Did they... rape you...?"

He felt his body go cold as the question replayed in his mind again.

Rape.

It was a word that he'd been intentionally avoiding using up to now, to himself and especially to others. Because admitting that he had been raped also meant admitting that he wasn't clean anymore. He had been completely violated, and that wasn't something he could ever get back.

Bile rose to his throat, a wave of nausea hitting him like a ton of bricks.

"Naruto... Hey, talk to me..." Shikamaru called out his name to get a response.

"...Sorry." Naruto mumbled.

"Sorry for what, exactly...?" Shikamaru asked, confused.

"...For losing control... I can tell it upset you..." Naruto said, relaxing his hands in Shikamaru's. "Iruka-sensei gave me a marker to draw on myself with when I got stressed out, and I mean it sorta helps, I guess, but..."

"That's what this is about...?" Shikamaru asked, surprised by the conversation change again, but decided to just go with it anyway. "Look, these things take time. Hell, I've even gotten onto Asuma-sensei for smoking before, but most people aren't just gonna automatically start relying on a new coping mechanism to curb an addiction every time the urge hits them. It's something you have to work with. That said, drawing on yourself might not be the answer."

"Then what should I do...? I can't stand worrying everybody like this." Naruto mumbled, frustrated with himself.

"Well, maybe you should explore other options as well." Shikamaru suggested.

"Other options, like what...?" Naruto mused.

"For starters, I was thinking of something like putting ice on your skin or playing with a rubber band or... Actually, hold on a second. I might have something even better." Shikamaru reached into one of his pockets, pulling out an odd looking cube that had some buttons and switches as well as other contraptions on it. "You see, there are these things called fidget cubes and you can play around with them when you get bored or anxious. I have a ton of them around the house, so you can have this one if you think it might help."

"Oh, thanks, Shikamaru." Naruto took it and began toying with it out of curiosity. Surprisingly, it actually seemed to help stimulate him much more than the red marker had.

"It's no problem. And hey, if that doesn't help, then I promise to help you find something that does, alright?" Shikamaru smiled a bit.

"Alright." Naruto returned the gesture.

"So... about what we were discussing earlier... Can you... tell me a little bit more about that, like how long it's been going on for?" Shikamaru asked cautiously, not wanting to upset him again.

"...It depends what you're referring to. Just them touching me, or...?" As he spoke, Naruto rolled his finger over one of the small metal balls that were sticking part way out of the cube, he still couldn't bring himself to say that word.