I'm sorry Ms. Miller

Chapter 5: "Seating arrangement"

On Wednesday she decided to re-arrange the class seating because some of the students weren’t paying attention. I was hoping she would leave me at the front since I couldn’t hear everything from the back seat, it was hard to get used to the hearing aid.

-“Emma Green at the back left corner” Shit, her desk was at the front right corner, I would have to tell her. I moved to the back and decided to wait until the end of the class to talk to her.

Even thinking about it made me nervous, for the entire class I couldn’t pay attention, I moved my leg anxiously up and down and fidgeted with my rings and bracelets, my stomach was stirring and I felt uncomfortable. I could feel my heart beating in my chest and my face felt hot. When the bell rang I waited for the class to empty and walked to her desk, I could feel my heart racing and I thought it was going to explode in my chest, my hands were trembling and I felt like I was going to pass out. I tried to calm myself down, but it was pointless, I was shaking and I felt as if I was about to pass out.

-“Emma, is everything ok?” she asked worried and I nodded.

-“I…I just wanted to talk to you” I said in a low voice and looked down.

-“About what? You are scaring me, are you ok?”

-“Yes, Uhm, I wanted to talk to you about the uh… seating arrangement”

-“Oh sure, what is it?”

-“Uhm, I need to sit at the front, because uhm I” I stopped and took a deep breath and she moved closer to me, she looked confused and worried “I uh…I’m wearing a hearing aid and it’s kind of difficult to understand what you are saying from that far away” I said as fast as I could.

-“Aww, that’s okay, I’ll re-arrange the seating, no need to worry about it” She said in a soft and kind tone and I let out a sigh of relief but I was still stressed, she pulled me into a hug and I hugged her back and laid my head on her chest. She rubbed circles on my back to calm me down. I took a few deep breaths and pulled away, but I couldn’t look at her, I felt ashamed about it. I felt mentally drained and I was still stressed. She put her hand under my chin and lifted my head, she gave me a small smile.

-“I…I’m sorry”

-“You have no reason to apologize Emma, you shouldn’t be embarrassed to speak up about what you need, there’s no reason for that”

-“I’m not embarrassed to speak up about what I need” I mumbled

-“Then you shouldn’t be ashamed about the other thing either, it’s not something you can control, the only thing you can control is how you let it affect your life” “It doesn’t change who you are as a person, it’s just something you need to function, it’s like glasses” I gave her a half smile.

-“I guess” I said and her eyes traveled onto my body and stopped at my ear. “You can’t see it”

-“I’m sorry” She looked down

-“No, it’s okay, it’s an in-ear one” I said giving her a small smile

-“Oh, that’s why I didn’t notice it earlier”

-“Were you observing me?” I teased her

-“NO” she exclaimed “I mean that’s why it wasn’t visible”  I chuckled.

-“Don’t worry, I just enjoy giving you a hard time” I chuckled and she nudged my arm.

-“So, do you wear it all the time?”

-“My hearing is quite decent without it so I don’t wear it at home or when I’m wearing my headphones. But I do wear it at school or when I’m going out, it’s just hard to get used to it and the echo in the classroom doesn’t help” She nodded “And as you saw I’m not comfortable telling people yet.”

-“Yeah, I thought you were going to pass out Emma”

-“Don’t worry, I thought so too” She laughed.

-“How long have you had it for?”

-“A month and a half”

-“Oh, it hasn't been that long, well, give it some time, you’ll get used to it and I’m sure you’ll find the confidence to talk about it openly”

-“I hope, it’s too stressful” She rubbed my arm.

-“I can imagine, having to hide a part of you is always stressful Emma, but there will be a time when you won’t have to”

-“You are not talking just about the hearing aid, are you?” She shook her head no.

-“That’s why, if you ever need someone to talk to or just rant, you can come to me, I understand what you are going through and I want to help”

-“Thank you Ms., I’ll let you eat now” She chuckled.

-“See you tomorrow Emma”

The rest of the day passed pretty fast and all I wanted to do was to go home and rest, I was mentally drained.

When I got home I took a shower and went to sleep immediately.

-“Hey, you are so pretty today”

-“Look who’s talking, you always look hot babe” I said and she cupped my cheek and kissed me and I let my tongue slide into her mouth, my hand gripped her thigh and she moaned. “Ms. Miller we shouldn’t, I’m your student”

-“Who cares, I want you” She said and we continued making out.

I woke up to my alarm and my heart was racing. Did I just have a dream about kissing my teacher? Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, this isn’t happening, how am I going to face her today? Shit, maybe I have a tiny crush on her, but after that dream things are just going to be fucking weird.

Today in class I couldn't even bare to look at her, I felt so ashamed of seeing her that way, she’s my teacher and she has a girlfriend. When the be rang I ran out of the class.

For the rest of the month, I avoided Ms. Miller as much as I could, which meant I even stopped going to the park which sucked, because I had to sit at home and listen to my parents argue for hours. I ended up telling my friends about the dream and now they won’t stop teasing me about it.