Richie tozier angst

I feel like shit.

I'm still sitting in the cafeteria with the rest of the losers.
Eds looks like he is thing about something.. Probably about how much of a shitty friend I am.. I see Mike writing something on a small piece of paper, had hands it to me.. Wow his hand writing is good. "𝘙𝘪𝘤𝘩𝘪𝘦, 𝘐 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘢𝘭𝘬 𝘵𝘰 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘧𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘴𝘤𝘩𝘰𝘰𝘭, 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘵 𝘯𝘦𝘢𝘳 ______, 𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦." It said. Why does my stomach feel so heavy.. I write "𝘈𝘭𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘳𝘰𝘰 𝘔𝘪𝘬𝘦! 𝘊𝘺𝘢 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯" on the paper with my shitty hand writing, and give it back to him. He reads it and holds a thumbs up. I force a smile.
I wonder what he wants..

It's 𝘢𝘧𝘵𝘦𝘳 lunch and I'm walking through the hallways, I can't stop thinking about.. Everything.
What Mike wants to talk about, the fucking test answers, my stupid dad.. My bad luck, and .. Especially, the fight with Eddie.. Will we ever actually talk? I need to find a way to fucking apologize.. But I don't want to annoy him about it.. I should wait until he asks me to talk..
I make it to class.

𝘚𝘤𝘩𝘰𝘰𝘭𝘴 𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳.. I'm biking with Mike right now, we're on our way to his house at the moment.. Did something happen..? Thinking about this is making me nervous, I want to think differently.. I want to think like it's just a 'playdate' instead of thinking shitty all the time.. Play date made me sound like I'm in 2nd grade. I cringe.

We make it to the forest, Mike wanted privacy so we don't get interrupted by one of the losers or our parents or something..
"𝘚𝘰, 𝘶𝘩.. 𝘔𝘪𝘬𝘦, 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘥𝘪𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘢𝘭𝘬 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵?" I wonder. "𝘐 𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘪𝘤𝘦𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶'𝘷𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨... 𝘚𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘶𝘴𝘶𝘢𝘭." He noticed. For fuck sakes, Mike too? "𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦𝘯'𝘵 𝘣𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘵𝘢𝘭𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘧𝘪𝘥𝘨𝘦𝘵 𝘢𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘥 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘤𝘳𝘢𝘻𝘺 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦.. 𝘐𝘴 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘸𝘳𝘰𝘯𝘨..?" He seems very concerned.. Oh come on Mike can't you just stay clueless like everyone else.. "𝘖𝘧 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘴𝘦 𝘐'𝘮 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘦! 𝘞𝘩𝘺 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥𝘯'𝘵 𝘐 𝘣𝘦.. " I struggle to keep my act. I chew my nails without realizing. Mike looks at me up and down. "𝘚𝘶𝘳𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘳𝘦.. 𝘙𝘪𝘤𝘩, 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘵𝘢𝘭𝘬 𝘵𝘰 𝘮𝘦. 𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘵𝘢𝘭𝘬 𝘵𝘰 𝘢𝘯𝘺 𝘰𝘧 𝘶𝘴!" He attempts to incourage me. No I fucking can't Mike.. "𝘔𝘮𝘮.." I hum. Mike holds my wrist of the hand that I'm chewing on, but he doesn't grab on to me.. He slightly holds my arm and pulls it away from my mouth. "𝘋𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘤𝘩𝘦𝘸 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘯𝘢𝘪𝘭𝘴." He said. He is so.. Careful, if that's how I should say it... Can I really trust him..?  "𝘜𝘩.. 𝘚-𝘴𝘰𝘳𝘳𝘺.." I put put my hands down on to my knees, one leg is bouncing. "𝘐 𝘸𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘤𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘦𝘭𝘭 𝘮𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘺𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨, 𝘐 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘪𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘢𝘭𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵." He says. I look at him, he looks like he means it.. Genuinely.. Maybe I can trust him.. I sigh. "𝘖𝘬𝘢𝘺.. 𝘐-.. 𝘜𝘩.." I struggle to get one word out. "𝘓𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘐 𝘴𝘢𝘪𝘥, 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘥𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘦𝘭𝘭 𝘮𝘦 𝘪𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘥𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘵𝘰."
"𝘕𝘰- 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵𝘴 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘪𝘵.. 𝘐𝘵'𝘴 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘥𝘪𝘧𝘧𝘪𝘤𝘶𝘭𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘶𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺.. 𝘛𝘢𝘭𝘬 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘪𝘵.."  I stutter a lot, jeez.. I sound like Bill.. I take a deep breath. "𝘐 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦𝘯'𝘵 𝘣𝘦𝘦𝘯.. 𝘍𝘦𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘴𝘰 𝘨𝘰𝘰𝘥, 𝘣𝘰𝘵𝘩 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘪𝘤𝘬 𝘸𝘢𝘺 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘦𝘮𝘰𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺.. 𝘛𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘪𝘴.. 𝘈 𝘓𝘖𝘛 𝘨𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘰𝘯 𝘳𝘦𝘤𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘭𝘺 𝘢𝘯𝘥... " I talk, and Mike listens.. He doesn't say anything until I'm done.. He doesn't interrupted or sigh or anything.. It's comforting... "𝘐 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘮𝘢𝘺 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘰𝘧𝘧 𝘢𝘴 𝘢 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘤𝘬 𝘵𝘰-.. 𝘞𝘦𝘭𝘭- 𝘢 𝘭𝘰𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘱𝘦𝘰𝘱𝘭𝘦, 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘐 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘤𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘥 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦.. 𝘈 𝘎𝘢𝘻𝘪𝘭𝘭𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘸𝘦𝘦𝘬.. 𝘐'𝘮 𝘶𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘳 𝘢 𝘭𝘰𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘴 𝘔𝘪𝘬𝘦.."  I hear my voice starting to shake.. I try to not cry. "𝘜𝘩.. 𝘐 𝘩𝘢𝘥 𝘢 𝘴𝘮𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘧𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘌𝘥𝘴.. 𝘈𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵, 𝘮𝘦 𝘯𝘰𝘵.. 𝘛𝘢𝘭𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘢𝘯𝘺𝘰𝘯𝘦, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘐'𝘮 𝘱𝘶𝘴𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘱𝘦𝘰𝘱𝘭𝘦 𝘢𝘸𝘢𝘺 𝘰𝘳 𝘢𝘷𝘰𝘪𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮.. 𝘈𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘐 𝘧𝘶𝘤𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘺𝘦𝘭𝘭𝘦𝘥 𝘢𝘵 𝘩𝘪𝘮 𝘵𝘰 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘷𝘦.. 𝘐 𝘧𝘶𝘤𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘳𝘶𝘪𝘯𝘦𝘥 𝘪𝘵!.. " I cry out, my voice is so shaky. Oh shit... Tears start falling down my face. "𝘚-𝘚𝘩𝘪𝘵-..!" I start trying to wipe my tears away before I'm pulled into a hug by Mike. "..I-I'm sorry-..." I whisper. "𝘚𝘩𝘩... 𝘐𝘵'𝘴 𝘰𝘬𝘢𝘺 𝘙𝘪𝘤𝘩𝘪𝘦 𝘥𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘳𝘺.. " Mike says softly.
I sob on his shoulder while his arms are around me. "𝘐- 𝘐 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭- 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦.. 𝘚-𝘴𝘩𝘪𝘵! -..." I mumble, voice already broken down. "𝘐 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦- 𝘐'𝘮 𝘴-𝘴𝘰 𝘧𝘶𝘤𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘯-𝘢𝘯𝘯𝘰𝘺𝘪𝘯𝘨!.." I cry out, the 'F' in 'fucking' louder then the rest.
"...𝘐 𝘧𝘶𝘤𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘩𝘢𝘵𝘦 𝘪-𝘪𝘵 𝘔𝘪𝘬𝘦, 𝘐 𝘤𝘢𝘯'𝘵 𝘥-𝘥𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘺𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘦.. " 𝘔𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘣𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴 𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘥𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘦𝘢𝘳 𝘪𝘯𝘴𝘪𝘥𝘦 𝘮𝘺 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘵𝘴.. 𝘥𝘰𝘦𝘴 𝘩𝘦 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦- 𝘮𝘢𝘨𝘪𝘤𝘢𝘭 𝘱𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘰𝘳 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨..? 𝘐 𝘩𝘢𝘵𝘦 𝘤𝘳𝘺𝘪𝘯𝘨, 𝘦𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘤𝘪𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘪𝘯 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘯𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘱𝘦𝘰𝘱𝘭𝘦.. 𝘉𝘶𝘵 𝘢 𝘭𝘰𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦𝘴.. 𝘐 𝘤𝘢𝘯'𝘵 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘵𝘳𝘰𝘭 𝘪𝘵. "𝘞𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘧-𝘧𝘶𝘤𝘬 𝘥𝘰 𝘐 𝘥-𝘥𝘰.. 𝘐 𝘩𝘢𝘵𝘦 𝘵-𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘴𝘰 𝘮𝘶𝘤𝘩.." I say between sobs. I can't see it but I know Mike doesn't care.. No one does..
Am I wrong..?

"𝘞-𝘞𝘩𝘢𝘵𝘴 𝘸𝘳𝘰𝘯𝘨 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩.. 𝘔𝘶𝘩-𝘮𝘦 𝘔𝘪𝘬𝘦!.." I question, I slightly know the answer, but I asked anyways. "𝘕𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘪𝘴 𝘸𝘳𝘰𝘯𝘨 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘙𝘪𝘤𝘩-" Mike says, I interrupt. "𝘠-𝘠𝘦𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘧.. -𝘧𝘶𝘤𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘪𝘴!!" I yell at Mike
"𝘚-𝘚𝘰𝘳𝘳𝘺.." "𝘋𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘢𝘱𝘰𝘭𝘰𝘨𝘪𝘻𝘦, 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘭𝘦𝘵 𝘪𝘵 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘨𝘰.. " I nod. Uncomfortable crying.

"𝘐 𝘩-.. 𝘩𝘢𝘵𝘦 𝘮𝘺𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧.. 𝘮𝘪𝘬𝘦-.. 𝘐 𝘥𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘪𝘴 𝘸-𝘸𝘳𝘰𝘯𝘨 𝘸𝘩.. - 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘮𝘦.."
Mike eyes widen, he knew I wasn't doing well but he didn't know it was at the point where I hated myself.
I realize what I said, and immediately regret it. "𝘞-𝘞𝘢𝘪𝘵.. 𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘪𝘴𝘯'𝘵 𝘧𝘶𝘤𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘳𝘶𝘦.." I pull from the hug still weeping
"𝘙𝘪𝘤𝘩 𝘪𝘵'𝘴 𝘰𝘬𝘢𝘺-" 𝘕𝘰- 𝘕𝘰 𝘔𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘐 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵-..." I can't lie anymore.. I can't... I look down to the floor. "𝘐 𝘤𝘢𝘯'𝘵 𝘥𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴- 𝘢𝘭𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘦 𝘐 𝘩𝘢𝘵𝘦 𝘮𝘺𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧.. 𝘐 𝘩𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘮𝘺𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘺𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘴.."
I didn't want to admit it. But I can't lie anymore.. And that makes me hate myself even more.. I'm fucking weak..
"𝘐'𝘮 𝘴𝘰𝘳𝘳𝘺 𝘔𝘪𝘬𝘦.. 𝘐'𝘮 𝘴𝘰 𝘧𝘶𝘤𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘸𝘦𝘢𝘬.." I look up to see Mike, he looks so.. Sad.. This is why I hate opening up to people.. "𝘚𝘩𝘪𝘵.." I hit my forehead with my palm and cover my face in my hands.
"𝘗𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘨𝘦𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘩𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘦𝘯𝘦𝘥.. 𝘐 𝘥𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘢𝘯𝘺𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘦.. " "𝘈𝘭𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵, 𝘳𝘪𝘤𝘩.. 𝘉𝘶𝘵 𝘪𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘢𝘯𝘺𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨-" "𝘐 𝘤𝘢𝘯'𝘵 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘺𝘰𝘶, 𝘐 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸.. 𝘐 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘴𝘦 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘥𝘴 𝘣𝘦𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘦" I heard those words many times, but whenever I opened up they ended up leaving, or crying because of it.. So I just dealt with it myself.. Now I have to act. "𝘐 𝘸𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘣𝘢𝘤𝘬, 𝘣𝘦𝘤𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘮𝘢𝘥𝘦 𝘮𝘦 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘴𝘰 𝘮𝘶𝘤𝘩 𝘣𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘔𝘪𝘬𝘦.. 𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘬 𝘺𝘰𝘶" I force a smile, he smiles back.

Can everything end now..