Richie tozier angst

Something is wrong with me

(MAY TRIGGER Emetophobia⚠)

I'm in my bed, curled up in a ball, still crying. Some of the reason is that I know I'm gonna get my ass beat later. Fun to think about when you probably lost your best friend, oh! And most likely the love of my life.. When will this end.. I sit up, I bring my knees to my chest and bury my face into my knees, sobbing. I start feeling sick.. Oh shit.. I get out of bed and rush to the bathroom. I make it to the washroom and immediately throw up from crying to much these past days. Once I'm done I wipe my mouth and sit on the floor of the bathroom. My life is a living fucking hell.. I get up and go to the sink and grab my toothbrush and toothpaste, and begin to brush my teeth. "𝘖𝘩... 𝘐 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘴𝘪𝘤𝘬.." I'm honestly not suprised.. Maybe I was being a little bit of an asshole..
Oh who am I kidding, I was definitely being a big asshole. I hit my forehead with the palm of my hand and continue to brush my teeth.

𝘓𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘰𝘯 I am sitting in bed reading comics to try and get my stupid mind off the fight with Eds, but it isn't working.. I can't stop thinking about it. Maybe I should eat something.. I get up and exit the shitty room I live in and make my way downstairs to the kitchen. I rub my eyes.
Grab some cereal and Milk and, obviously a bowl, and I sit down ready to eat, then I remember how my throw up looked like, my eyes stare at the cereal, and my face cringes. I move the bowl further from me and hide my face with my hands.
What is wrong with me..
I need to get out of here.. I sit up and open the front door and I leave. Where do I go..? the arcade? I search my pockets and no money, I used it all on fast food because my stupid dad didn't let me eat.. I roll my eyes. I guess I could find something else..
𝘐 𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘪𝘵 𝘥𝘰𝘸𝘯𝘵𝘰𝘸𝘯 and Nothing different.. Obviously. I walk around for a while everythings okay, it's so hot out.. Jesus fucking Christ! I'm going to the quarry..
I keep my head down, eyes locked on to the floor. This is the best break I could get.. Even it if isn't the best.. My head keeps repeating the stupid fight I had with Eds.. I wish he would listen, I wish he didn't notice, I wish he didn't see how different I've been.. I wish he would fucking understand me.. I look at my surroundings, I'm alone, in like a forest or something.. I take my glasses off to rub my eyes, and put them back on. I walk towards a tree, and sit down, my back against the wood.
Wait.. I start thinking.. He noticed because I was acting different.. And he doesn't understand me because I don't let him understand.. This isn't his fault it's mine.. What the hell is my problem dude? I sigh, I bring my knees to my chest and bury my face into my knees.
God I'm so pathetic.. I remember that when I get home, it isn't gonna be fun.. I get up and stand. I turn the the tree, and clenched my fists. I punch, I punched the tree.. And I start bleeding, But I don't care anymore. I punch again but harder, my eyes fill up with tears. "𝘑𝘜𝘚𝘛-" 𝘗𝘶𝘯𝘤𝘩 "𝘍𝘜𝘊𝘒𝘐𝘕𝘎!" 𝘗𝘶𝘯𝘤𝘩 "𝘓𝘌𝘈𝘝𝘌" 𝘗𝘶𝘯𝘤𝘩 "𝘔𝘌" 𝘱𝘶𝘯𝘤𝘩 "𝘈𝘓𝘖𝘕𝘌!.. " I screamed, no one can hear me.. I guess I walked further then I thought. I fall to my knees, bleeding like crazy. I sob, painfully and harsh. "𝘓𝘦𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘶𝘤𝘬 𝘢𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘦.." I whispered.

𝘓𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘰𝘯, I'm walking home. I can't stay out forever.. I have no place to go, and I don't want to annoy any of the losers with my existence again so.. I got to the kissing bridge, I thought of something, I check my pockets and find a perfect item to carve something here. I walk to the fence and kneel down and start carving. 𝘙 + 𝘌.. I sigh, knowing one day we will never happen.. He would hate me if he found out.
I get up and continue walking to the direction of my house.
I look at my phone to check the time, and see that my dad is most likely home. I sigh.. Oh great, I get to get beaten up again today! Woohoo!!.. Obviously sarcasm. I used to use jokes and comedy to cope with fucking EVERYTHING going on in my life, but now I realize I'm annoying everyone to feel better about myself, talk about selfish, but if I change.. They will get fucking suspicious and try to figure out whats wrong. I roll my eyes. God, I am really fucked up, man. I get to my house,

I need to get prepared..