Vows of Misfortune

52.

I deliberately ignored her outstretched arms.

"Amicably?" I repeated, disgruntled. "Did you not hear me? I don't want a divorce at all."

"It sounds a lot like you feel guilty and—"

"That's not the reason I'm here." I let out a sharp exhalation through my nose and tilted my face up to the sky a little. The more time passed, the more I felt that I was losing her.

"Romir, you're acting really weird. I'm just trying to be friendly and understand—" I cut her off. I pulled her in by cupping her face and relished the warmth of her cheeks sitting snug within my palms.

Made for my hands.

"I don't need you to be nice to me. I just need you to be mine."

Arshia's eyebrows lifted and her lips parted. She tried to push against my chest with her hands, full with the bouquet. I let my hands slide down and around her waist, pulling her against me further.

The flowers crumpled between our chest, but that was the least of my worries. My attention was on something else more important to me than anything.

"This isn't fair," she garbled, bottom lip quivering uncontrollably. I tried to yank my gaze up to her eyes, to focus on her words. "You can't play with my feelings like this. I'm trying to make it easier for you to walk away and get Anjali back."

"Who said I wanted her back?"

"You didn't have to say it, Romir."

"So you can read my mind now?"

Arshia knitted her brows; she resembled a grumpy kitten than someone to take seriously. "That's not funny."

"I wasn't trying to be." I rubbed my hands up and down the small of her back. She stopped struggling, relaxing against me. "You're so silly."

"How am I—"

"The woman I really want is standing right in front of me."

Arshia rolled her eyes. I didn't try holding back my frown. She began to push at my chest again and so I let her go. She walked around me and looked behind the couch and then behind a tree, turning her head left and right.

"Did Anjali put you up to this? Is she here? Because this really isn't funny."

She didn't believe me. "No one put me up to this. I meant every word I said."

She searched my face for a good few minutes before shaking her head. "Even so, I'm not going to be anyone's second choice. You have so much history with her."

"And that's what it is. History. Anjali and I never planned any of the things we did when we were younger."

"You were going to be parents together. I—this is so wrong."

"We aren't parents. We don't have a child."

"It would have happened," she said, wrapping her arms around herself.

I sighed. "It could have, but it didn't. You're worrying about something that never happened. The only child I want to have is with you."

She rolled her bottom lip in between her teeth, gaze on the ground as if she was contemplating something. Then she shook her head. "I don't need this. You have no shame, Romir. First my sister and now me—do you realise how this sounds?"

"I do. But I never meant this to happen in the way it did. You can choose to believe me or you can choose not to. I didn't pursue you with the intention of—"

"You already said that," she snapped. "You don't need to repeat yourself."

My hands trembled and I curled them into fists. She was frustrated, and she had every right to be.

The plan was unravelling quicker than I could comprehend. Desperation hit me in full force, seeing her turn and dump the flowers onto the couch with carelessness.

I wasn't winning her over.

She was pulling away.

Or maybe she was already gone.

"What can I do?" I heard my strained voice ring in the air, jittery like the heart in my chest. I'd never felt as vulnerable, so fucking afraid, as I did in that moment. Not even as I'd nearly choked someone to death or even when my leg broke. "What can I do to fix this?"

"You can't fix what's already broken."

"And what's broken? Tell me and with time and effort, we can move on from it together."

"I don't need time and effort," she said. "What I need is a man who has no past with my fucking sister. I don't need to be constantly wondering if my sister did this with you or if my sister did that with you and if my sister made you happier than I could. Varun absolutely devastated me with doubts. I don't need something like that anymore. My insecurities will only worsen with you."

I took a sharp breath in as she hit me with the next words. "You tell me—should I be with you?"

Controlling my laboured breathing and twitching brow, I said, "Maybe you shouldn't. But know that I wouldn't be here, standing in front of you, if I thought your sister was better than you. If she made me happy, happier than you could imagine, why am I here for you?"

She went silent. "I don't know," she finally whispered. "That's what I don't get. You're supposed to say you love my sister. That's the way it goes."

"That's the way what goes?" I asked, stepping closer to her. I made sure she was all right with my being so close, noting any uncomfortable shifting.

"I—it's never you," she whispered, "this isn't right."

It's never me? I thought. I stilled. She was talking about herself. It was never her, she had said. She thought she was never the one to be chosen?

"Bullshit," I said, more levelheaded than I felt.

"Look, you don't need to worry. I'll get over all this soon enough and find som—"

"I'm not letting that fucking happen so long as I live," I finally snapped. "You don't seem to understand that I'm not Varun. Seeing you talk with him that day I fixed your car, seeing you smile at him or talk about him makes me mad, Arshia. So fucking mad that I want to rip his throat out. The only reason I didn't that day is because I know it'll take me back to how I used to be and I only want my best version for you." 

Seeing her reaction unchanged, I growled under my breath. "Arshia, I'm in love with you," I said, desperation wildly gnawing at my chest. "You. I love everything about you. I love how you have no filter. How you only drink green tea, the way you hog the blanket and sleep with your legs and arms all over me," I said, chuckling at her blush, "how you clink utensils as a way of saying cheers, and how when you love someone, you love wholeheartedly. You've made me feel things that I haven't felt in a long time. You're not a second choice or a rebound. I may not have known it then but it's always been you for me the moment we said our vows. I'd been falling for you long before I knew you were Anjali's sister."

I drank her in, the way her features knit together, the sheet of tears layering her eyes. My heart pounded against my chest so hard I wanted to pull her into me to calm it down.

I lowered my voice, "We slept together that night. I knew exactly what I was doing and I never regretted it. Not once. No matter what you made me promise."

"Romir..." she choked out.

"Let me finish," I said, softly. "Anjali helped me heal from a lot of things but she's in the past. She has been for years. I want you to be my present and my future, if you'll allow it."