When It's Cold I'd Like To Die

11:32am

''So, uh, what do you think of Monet's?''

''What about it?'' Justin frowned as the waiter slid their drinks on the table, two mugs of hot chocolate with a pile of whipped scream that began to drip down the edges, a bunch of cinnamon sprinkles on top. 

''Well, has it changed much from when you've last been here?'' Clay asked him curiously. 

''Oh, that's what you meant, okay...'' Justin fell silent as he began to think. ''Well, I haven't been here often back in high school, well, I did go a few times, when I was dating Jess or... I don't know, I never really went here much.'' 

 ''Right,'' Clay slowly nodded, tilting his head back and forwards. 

''But, uh, it does look nice here, it's got that coffee shop aesthetic, it's pretty sick,'' Justin complemented the interior decoration as he took a sip of his chocolate drink, wiping at the whipped cream that stained his upper lip. 

''Hey, could I ask you something?'' Clay looked up from his drink. 

''Yeah,'' Justin fell rather nervous once he noticed the unsure look that Clay was giving him, or a rather worried look. ''What's up?'' 

''Why did you leave?'' Clay asked him the question, rather straight-forward. 

''I did because... I just did,'' Justin told him with a slight panic in his tone, having not been prepared for that type of question to be shot at him. 

He sighed. 

''Everyone wanted me gone, I guess, no one really wanted me around,'' Justin's shoulders fell as he looked down into his drink, avoiding eye contact with Clay, not really sure what the boy might say, he didn't even want to see the look on his face. 

''That's not true,'' Clay responded. 

''Come on, Clay, you know it is,'' Justin didn't raise his voice, looking up at Clay. ''I was a piece of shit, you can confirm that yourself.'' He could still remember the rough month after Hannah's suicide, the tapes or trying to protect Jessica when in reality, he was just running away from the truth himself. 

''Yeah, but... You didn't have to leave... I mean, shit happens, we all did fucked up things,'' Clay quietly spoke. He was ignoring the fact that Justin was probably the only one of the group to be breathing down his neck in order to somehow stop the truth from coming out. There was still a sense of anger but almost three years and everyone moving on already, Clay didn't feel as much of a connection with what was on those tapes. 

Perhaps he'll never forget, but it wasn't consuming his mind as much as it would the first time he listened to Hannah's voice on those thirteen recordings. 

''I don't think I can believe you when you say it, Clay, and besides that... I had to leave,'' Justin told him, shaking his head as he took a bit of whipped cream and licked it off of his finger as he leaned back in the chair. 

Clay didn't say anything. He wanted to say something, but he felt like Justin was getting sick of his questions, so it was better to just say nothing and let Justin somehow reply to the untold queries in the process, maybe. 

 ''Jess had found out about what Bryce did, you probably know that already,'' Justin sighed as he didn't make eye contact with the boy that sat in the seat opposite his. Looking up eventually, Clay nodded solemnly. 

Justin sighed again, picking at his cuticles. 

''I had nowhere to stay, I couldn't go to Bryce's, of course, I couldn't stand him,'' Justin explained as he looked at Clay once again before looking back down at his scuffed sneakers. ''Jess didn't want me around, not that I can blame her... I couldn't go home either, so...''