The Hope of Hattie Phelan: Volume I

33

Lack

I sat on my bed as the curtains rustled from the air coming through the cracked-open window. The wind carried the heavy scent of a coming storm, reminding me of the urgent matter at hand. I had never seen Wally in such a state, and after Nancy and I talked about it, she said she had never seen him like that either. And she had known him growing up, too.

I let out a sigh as I laid back on the bed, looking up at the ceiling. Why did this situation seem so hopeless? I wanted to help—to intervene—but I was just the new arrival in town. Though I had befriended Wally, apparently it wasn't enough to make him listen to me. I felt powerless. I felt the hopelessness of all the years prior rising in my spirit, and I wanted to cry.

God, why won't he listen to me? I prayed as I closed my eyes to stop the tears from flowing. I see him running towards becoming the person I was before, and I can't do anything about it. My prayers weren't answered, and my words are not enough. Why did You create me so useless? I felt the fear and hopelessness fill my chest again before I sat up quickly. What was I thinking? I grabbed Ma's bible off of the side table, flipping it open to where I had last stopped. I had gotten through Romans and was now heading into 1 Corinthians.

I could feel my fear subsiding, but the hopelessness seemed to linger in the back of my throat as I held back a cry. In the letter of Paul's that I was reading, he seemed to be in the same place I was. He was trying to tell the people where they needed to grow, but he seemed to be having no avail. I paused at a line in chapter three.

"'I have planted, Apollos watered; but God gave the increase,'" I read aloud, amazed at the thought. I figured they didn't mean planting literally as I recalled the parable of the sower. What stood out to me was that though they did things in God's name, it was God Himself that made the plant grow. "'So then neither is he that planteth any thing, neither he that watereth; but God that giveth the increase. Now he that planteth and he that watereth are one: and every man shall receive his own reward according to his own labour.'"

Oh, God, I cried out in prayer as tears welled up in my eyes. I'm sorry for not trusting You. I can look and see that so many people planted seeds in my life, and so many watered. Nancy showed me how to be humble when I thought that I was right. But it wasn't her that moved my heart to humility. Essie had shown me how to forgive Constance and apologize. Constance taught me empathy through me seeing the world through her eyes instead of selfishly looking only through my own.

And Aunt Margarette taught me so much. She taught me to live a Christ-like life through nudging me to forgive others or humble myself. She pushed me beyond anything I had ever experienced at the factory. Not that I worked harder here than in Chicago; in fact, I felt more rested. It was the pushing of my character that was tested day in and day out. But it wasn't only her that planted or watered. I truly believed that the Spirit had convicted me of His own accord, and I had finally listened. I could look back at all the times that I was doing wrong and could see this longing for something to fill the lack I had felt in that moment. So many people poured into my life—even Wally—but it was only after the fact that I felt nudged to do something right. And that was from God.

Wally taught me how to be helped. My whole life I was so focused on how I could be independent and do the work myself. I had to in order to survive in the factory, but Wally showed me a new way. I couldn't do it all on my own. And that was what God was showing me in this moment. I couldn't save Wally in my own strength, just like I couldn't save myself.

But I could sow and water.

"God, help him," I cried out, tears now flowing as I buried my head in my hands. All my grief for him burned in my stomach as I cried out to the Lord on Wally's behalf. And after a few minutes, I felt peace. Peace like God heard my prayer. I just knew I had to be patient.