KARNANANYA

32. (DK)

ANANYA'S POV:

The silvery rays of the moon , filtered through the dark night clouds , fall on the water of Ganges ; making it glisten like a river of diamonds , all the while illuminating the serene Ganga ghats. This reminds me of those beautiful paintings hung on the walls of art gallery. I used to think something this serene and scenic was only possible on canvas but I was wrong ...

Wrong? Am I not always wrong?Whenever I hope everything to be fine , it crumbles to dust. Just like today , I thought I would finally be at peace in Kashi ... but..
Peace and me... Together? A big No!!
When have I , happiness and peace walked together? Certainly not as far as I can remember. Tears blur my vision. My throat is parched from crying but it still feels as if I haven't cried enough..... I should by now be immune to this never-ending pain, this guilt of ruining their happiness and regret for not being able to help but being the shameless creature I'm ...I don't feel anything... Numb.. complete numbness to everything is what I feel now.... But this numbness is shattered by painful tiny spark of hope that is still trying to make everything okay...

"Hope that hurts yet hopes to be healed"

Innumerable questions and not a single answer .... Will this ever end?
Y? Y me? Y do I always end up hurting the people I love? How come whatever I do ... always comes out to be wrong.... I always end up hurting people and ruining their lives... I don't intend to but I do it. I .. I..just wanted everyone to be happy then... how I ruined everything??? Y?

I guess the priest & minister is right... I.. I have jinxed Kashi and ..may be everyone dear to me.. Yug changed but not me.... How am I so delusional to believe something good would come from me? All I cause is trouble, chaos and unrest ...
But I didn't want to.. I really didn't... Unshed tears blur my vision, burning my eyes.. no matter how hard I try to check them... They find their way ...

Helplessness, fatigue, pain, despair, is all I feel... I want to cry, cry this loud that even the desolate Shiv's heart melts... I want to share this pain but ...none deserves my share of suffering. Nor do I want to share it.. My mind says 'no' as this is the only thing that has kept me together for years... only thing that solely belongs to me...this pain..

" Pain burns me every moment but it is the flame that edges the sword of the legend. "

It's this pain that I want to give up on , at the same time I am afraid to. This heart..this treacherous heart earns for someone to hear, help & heal. & That is where the pain intensifies and hope gets crushed. People would pity , judge and advice but never understand nor care for how u feel, what u want. Someone who cares for you genuinely would get hurt by your pain so what's the point of hurting someone dear just to escape pain of urs!!?

I don't know for how long I have cried.. The reflection in water shows a clueless, helpless girl with tear stricken face and pain-filled eyes... Eyes that are devoid of life and full of tears...

To escape looking at her, I look above at the never ending, vast stretch of darkness, darkness that shrouds & destroys everything in its way. Although the moon eradicates it but is still alone, aloof and cold. In case of loneliness, I relate to it!!
Thousands of stars in sky but yet the moon is alone.

Events of today flashed before my eyes...
The return to Kashi with Karn was pleasant but then... overhearing some of the ministers..

(Flashback begins)

Minister 1: I am so excited after a long time we will be hosting a marriage function that too for Crown prince Shaktiraj's marraige!! The better the kingdom the better would be its resources and better will be our alliance.