In Bleak Midwinter

Chapter Ten

Tears fell rapidly onto the sink cabinet, flooding the surface and disorientating the marble pattern that decorated the bathroom that Emily found herself entrapped within. She attempted to hide the mascara stain that prominently emerged down her soft, rounded cheeks. With every rub, she found herself getting further frustrated with the idea that her blatant guilt was seemingly irreversible - the mascara was the evident sign of this.

The doors gently opened as Ada hurried over to the women in despair.
"Oh Emily" Ada sighed as she crouched down in front of her.
"Ada! I am so sorry! I didn't know what to do! I just panicked and said yes... I - I- " Emily sobbed, unable to contain her panic.
"Em- Emily!" Ada abruptly interrupted, "It's okay. I understand. It's okay..."
"No. No..." Emily shook her head, "It's not okay... what am I going to say to Tommy???"
"Forget Tommy in this moment. He will understand. Right now you need to think about you, and most importantly the little baby inside of you" Ada soothed.
Emily nodded and eventually started to calm down.
"But also Emily, you need to get up and clear your head. There's a man out there who's now your fiancé whether you like it or not, and he needs you to be honest about the way you feel and your situation"
Emily placed her hand on her forehead and sighed.
"I can't tell him... it will ruin everything... I will ruin my family's reputation" Emily cried.
"Fuck reputation Emily. When have you ever cared about what society thinks of you?" Ada snapped, "Be honest with what you want. Your parents... or society for that matter, may temporarily be angry with you; but is that temporary anger worth sacrificing a whole lifetime of happiness?" Ada paused, "You can go out there and have a life of pretending if that is what you think is best for you... and I will support you by any means, but I know deep down that's not what you want".
Emily dried her eyes and feigned a small smile at Ada. She then abruptly stood up and looked in the mirror, wiping her eyes once more and adjusting her hair. Emily didn't say anything whilst she fixed herself and then once she had finished, she turned back to Ada who was now stood sympathetically in front of her.

"You're right Ada. I will tell Tommy soon, but right now, I need to play dutiful fiancé and daughter to avoid scandal this evening... I love Tommy, but my priority is the welfare of this baby, and if that means marrying Lord White to protect it, I will" Emily said, moving over to Ada and taking her hands. Ada nodded in understanding of her words.
"I know this may be irrational thinking-" Emily continued before being interrupted.
"Emily, whatever decision you make, I understand. When I had Karl it changed everything. I would do anything to protect him..." Ada paused, "I can talk to Tommy for you if you feel it may take the pressure away?"
Emily shook her head. "No. Thank you. I will do it. I just need time".
———

A few days later

It was late on a brisk Thursday evening when Emily found herself sat alongside Mary in the Garrison. They had arrived earlier to take some time away from Emily's family and help remove the anxiety that lingered in the back of Emily's mind.

John, Micheal, Isaiah and Finn arrived promptly when they had heard that the two ladies were sat alone in the bar. Once they had arrived, Emily and Mary stood up to greet them.
"What are you two doing here all by yourself?" Finn questioned.
"Just came for a few drinks just to get out the house" Mary responded quickly.
"Your glasses are empty ladies, let me get you another. What are you drinking? Whiskey? Gin?" Isaiah remarked.
"Oh no I'm okay thanks Isaiah. I've had enough tonight" Emily sighed. John watched quietly as the conversation evolved.
"Common, one more won't hurt Em" Finn laughed as he helped Isaiah pour drinks for everyone.
"Oi Finn. Not so much for you" John snapped to his younger brother. Finn rolled his eyes and huffed pouring himself half a glass. Mary took the drink from Isaiah and smiled; Finn handed Emily her own drink which she put carefully on the table away from her.
"Where's Tommy?" Emily questioned suddenly.
"He's out with Mum and Arthur. Said they were sorting business regarding the races" Micheal smiled. Emily nodded and stared at the wall quietly.

The conversation buzzed between the group as the night continued; drinks were continuously poured for one another and the lads (and Mary) became merrier... aside from John and Emily.
"You haven't touched your drink from earlier" Isaiah said, looking directly at Emily.
"Sorry. I'm just not feeling it"
Micheal placed his arm round her. "Common, what's up Em? Talk to us!"
"Nothing. I'm just tired" she sighed, clearly bothered by something. Mary shot a look of concern which was caught between Emily and John's stare. It was also unusual for John to not be drunk at this point. He knew something was up.
"God you're acting like Ada did when she was pregnant. All this I'm not drinking, I'm tired... boring me I'm pregnant!" Finn laughed. Isaiah, Micheal and erupted in a drunken laughter at the impression.

Emily frowned momentarily and then turned her expression into anger. She picked up the drink and launched the liquid in Finn's direction.
"Fuck you Finn. I told you I'm not in the mood" she said, slamming the glass and shattering it on the table. John immediately shot out of his chair and reached for Emily's hand, holding it gently as blood spilled out of it. He leaned over the bar, grabbing a cloth and wrapped it round. The room fell silent.
"I'm sorry Emily. I was only joking" Finn immediately panicked.
"Fuck off Finn" John snapped in anger.
"Common Finn, let's take you back" Isaiah said, reading the atmosphere. Micheal checked Emily was alright before helping Mary up.
"I'll take her back and sober her up. I'll meet you back at Mum's?" Micheal remarked to John.
———

After they all had left, Emily and John sat alone.

"What was that all about Em?" He asked.
"I don't know... but it was foolish of me. I'm sorry"
"Don't be sorry, I would have done the same. Bloody Finn" he smiled, "Are you sure you're okay though?"
Emily nodded, not revealing any emotion.
The two stared at one another.
"I've known you too long to not sense somethings up. You've been acting weird for the past few days. Ada said the other night that you two shared an eventful evening... she didn't elaborate, but I've been observing you all night ..." he paused, "Finn's remark about Ada... are you?"
Emily closed her eyes and sighed deeply.
"Oh... oh fuck..." John whispered, "Is it Tommy's?"
Emily nodded, eyes still tightly shut.
"Does he know?"
"No" she responded, opening her eyes. "And you mustn't tell him"
"Are you going to tell him?" John said, bringing her in for a hug.
"I will John... I will..." she paused and sighed again.
John raised his eyebrow, "There's something else?"
"I'm engaged to Lord White"
"What?!" John suddenly turned his tone, "since when?!"
"Since the other evening. Ada is the only other person who knows about this all"
"Oh fuck Emily" John got up and moved away. He placed his hands over the top of his head as an expression of his obvious stress and anger towards the situation.
"There was nothing I could do or say to change this" Emily said, her voice cracking slightly.
"Emily you're pregnant with Tommy's baby and you're marrying another man?!"
"John you cannot tell Tommy! I want him to hear it from me... he will be upset"
"Upset? Fucking upset? He's going to kill Lord White if he hears about this, you know how he reacts when he's angry... He loves you Emily. He always has done, and now that you're pregnant too with his child too?!!" John scoffed.
"Enough John!" Emily shouted. "Do you not think I'm upset too? Do you think I'm so heartless that I would keep this from him to intentionally hurt him?"

John frowned.

"Of course not. I love him John! But this situation is now beyond my control. The marriage had been arranged by my father and Lord White before I even knew anything about it. And now that I'm pregnant, I must put the baby first; And if that means I have to pretend it is Henry's to protect not just the child, but myself, and even Tommy's reputation, I will do so. This is not what I wanted but it is the way it is" she choked, "and you will not dare to tell him or I swear to god I will bring the heavens down upon you".

John slowly crept backwards, genuinely fearing Emily's reaction and nodded compliantly.
"I'm sorry" John muttered.
Emily placed her hand on her forehead again. "No, I'm sorry. That outburst was uncalled for".
John moved in quickly and hugged her as though it was the last time he would ever do so...