Keep Driving [h.s]

twenty-nine

tw/ violence, blood, panic attacks

Ella

"I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine," I sing softly while going through Soleil's wardrobe. She's already six months old and she's started to grow out of some clothes. I just wanna pack everything up that doesn't fit her anymore so there's space in her drawers for the clothes that do fit her.

I haven't said yes or no to Harry's question yet. It's a different thing to answer and I feel like I can't really rush it. He asked four days ago, meaning it's Monday. He left extra early today because he had to fly to Mexico for business. I have no idea what he's doing but I know he's gonna be home by tonight. He's been texting me updates all day.

I've had a lot of work to do so I was doing that all day while taking care of Soleil. It's hard having to work and take care of a baby. It's nice when she's down for a nap because that's when you can actually get work done. I've been meaning to clean up downstairs but I just haven't had time to do it yet.

It feels like I'm a mum and it scares me. Having to take care of her every day is not what scares me. It's putting a label on it that does. I didn't birth her. She's not my baby in any way. I'm not even meant to be here, in this house and yet here I am. It's a lot.

The obvious answer would be yes. I care deeply about her, and Harry now as well and I just want her safe and happy. She deserves to be raised in a good environment with parents who love her.

I absolutely understand why Harry denied putting her in a foster home. He doesn't have fond memories of it and obviously, he doesn't want his daughter to have to go through the same thing. He wants her to have a normal life and he's been trying incredibly hard to give her that.

I'm really proud of the father he became.

"What do you think, sunshine? You think I should sign the papers?" I ask her as she lays on her stomach near me on the rug. She has one of her onesies in her hand, fisting the fabric tightly and not letting it go as she sucks on her dummy.

"It's scary. What if you don't want me to be your mummy?" I can't help but think of the future. When she grows up and figures out I'm not her actual mum, what if she's gonna absolutely hate me? What if she doesn't want me to be her mum? It all comes down to her, to be honest. Harry's only second.

Signing these papers would mean settling down for good. Of course, I'd be able to be a single mother if things wouldn't work out with Harry but it still just sounds ridiculous to me.

I consider Harry's reasoning as to why this is important. Currently, the only family Soleil has is Harry. If anything were to happen to him — god, I hope not — she'd be an orphan again and would be put into the system. Of course, Zayn and Johnny are options too but they haven't spent enough time around her to be able to decide whether or not they could take care of her every day for the rest of her life.

Soleil needs constant support and neither Zayn nor Johnny would be able to give her that considering their jobs.

That leaves me. The only person Harry trusts other than the boys. The only person who knows about Soleil.

She looks at me with her big doe eyes like she has no idea what I'm talking about and it makes me smile. She's so cu-

I hear the floor creaking.

I listen closely if I can hear the quiet noise again and only a second later I hear it.

If it's Harry, he'll shout for us in a bit. I'm surprised he's done so soon. It's barely seven in the afternoon but it's already dark outside thanks to it being the end of November.