After Her Love

29. Two missed calls

"I guess I am.. " I confessed and wiped away the tears that were still falling on my cheek. What the hell do I do now? She was not here. She was not going to tell me what she wants until she has figured it all out. I wish I could help her to do that but I knew that confessing my feelings would only mess her up a little more. Especially now, when I had probably fucked up everything..

"Does she know?" Robyn carefully asked.

"No.. I was about to tell her.. " Now I felt just ridiculous. The one time Joel actually gave me a pretty decent relationship advice, it gets all fucked up before I even manage to do anything. I felt so stupid. There was not even a rightful measure unit to measure how fucking stupid I felt right now.

"Where did she go, though.. Did she tell you that?"

"To France.. And as much as I know, she is about to walk the Camino de Santiago,.. It's gonna take some time anyway.. She told me she will come back someday when she is ready... Anyway, this is all my fault even though she tried to assure me that I had nothing to do with it but I feel it is all because of me.. " I spoke, not thinking that Robyn did not know that I had slept with Iiris and now my sentence was going to confuse her and she for sure was going to ask a thing or two now.

"What do you mean? Or let me guess.. It has something to do with the weekend, right? The reason why you left the bar..?" And I knew it. She was too good guessing things like this and why else would we leave the bar without telling anyone than to have sex. I was this transparent even while talking on the phone that Robyn saw right through me.

"Yeah... "

"Okay.. I kinda guessed it.. " Of course she would have guessed it. Probably they all did and I was the idiot hoping no one would notice and Joel was just smart enough to ask about it privately.

"Yeah well... It happened.. And now I feel like I ruined everything,, " This self blaming was probably never going to end. Not until I get to talk with Iiris again and apologize but what she wrote in the letter confused me and it was the way she wrote about her feelings. She felt something, too. What am I supposed to do now? I did not know if she was about to pick up the phone or call me back. What if she doesn't want to hear anything about me before she has cleared her own mind? What if she realizes that all those things she felt that night were just for that moment and now she regrets it?

"Do you want me to come over?" Robyn sounded worried but I did not want anyone here now.

"I just.. wanna be alone.. "

"Okay, well.. You know I'm just a phone call away. Let me know if you hear anything."

We ended the call and I threw my phone somewhere, hoping that it would somehow turn back time. Obviously it did not do that and I was still here, alone. It was hard to really understand all these feelings I had right now. On one hand I was so mad that she left just like that but on the other hand, I knew it was her only choice. She knew that if she had told me about her plans I might have tried to convince her to stay and tour around the country with us. But she needed something more, and it was a complete change in environment.

Sighing I finally got myself another shirt to wear and then I picked up my phone from the floor. My fingers started to itch and I had the urge to call Iiris again but she was probably still in a plane, flying towards freedom. Not sure what she would do after she landed, is she going to call back to any of us after seeing the amount of calls we made, I sat down on the edge of my bed and decided to write her a message.

Aleksi: Hey... I saw your note.. I just want to say that I'm not mad you left like that, I understand. Of course this would be easier if you had told but I get it... Just know that my door is always open for you and also I'm always here for you, if you need a listener.. Please let me know if you saw this message.. I just wanna know that you're alright.

The phone flew back on my bed and I made my way downstairs, Rilla following me. I went to the kitchen and grabbed a beer from the fridge, after which I sat on the sofa and opened the TV. Not that I wanted to watch something, I just needed something else to think about but The Simpsons just did not seem to do the trick for me this time. This place felt empty without Iiris, even though she was not here for a long period, but I already got used to it that she was here. Sharing a house with another living soul felt different, it felt good. It made this place actually feel like a home. Of course I had Rilla here as a company and she was a great roomie, but having a woman here was something different.

All these thoughts eventually had put me to sleep and I woke up to a faded ringing tone somewhere in the house. I snapped up, sat up and focused on listening if my phone really was ringing or was I just dreaming. But by the time I came to the conclusion that it actually was my phone, the ringing ended. Slowly I stood up, stretched my hands up and yawned, after which I took the empty bottle from the floor and placed it on the kitchen counter and then I made my way upstairs to see who had called me. I was sure it would be Robyn or Joel who were checking on me, so I did not hurry. My expectation for Iiris to answer to me was low, or that's what I tried to do so I would not disappoint when she decided to ignore me and all of us.

Once I reached my bedroom door, my phone chimed once, meaning that someone sent me a message. Still not hurrying I stepped into my room and walked next to my bed. The phone was still there, screen side down, and with a deep sigh I reached for it. Two missed calls and one message. After unlocking the phone my heart started to race faster because the missed calls had come from Iiris, as well as the message. My fingers turned into a liquid and I had trouble opening the message.

Iiris: I'm ok. Sorry, again, that I left like this.. I don't really know what to say and I feel so shitty about this, but I just need a little bit of time..

The message was short but at least I knew she was okay.

Aleksi: Don't worry about it.. I'm just glad you're fine..

I put the phone down, feeling relieved that she was ok and just taking the time she needed. That of course did not ease the heartache I was feeling. Why did she have to leave now? Why not tomorrow after I had told her about my feelings? Right now I feel like there is some unfinished business and I did not know when I could finally tell her how I really felt.

Iiris: I'll keep you updated.. Maybe not daily but when I have a chance to do so.

Her message brought a small smile to my face. At least now I knew that she really was not avoiding me. I was happy to hear even once in a week about her, the most important thing for me right now was that she was not blocking me out of her life.

Aleksi: That would be great.

After that, I did not receive a new message from her but I had to inform the others that I got in touch with Iiris and tell them she was ok.

A/N: Looks like there might still be a change for there two... 

Thanks for the support, as always!