After Her Love

15. Small white lies

Iiris' PoV

Aleksi left some time ago. He had to go back to his room to take a shower before going to the venue where the photoshoot was going to take place. I gave him my number so he could reach me if needed but I knew I wasn't going anywhere anyway so he would find me here if he wanted to. I was still in pretty much the same position as I had been the past hours. There was too much going on in my mind right now, starting from what I had just done to what I should be doing next. Too many options and none of them were easy to decide. The offer Aleksi gave me sounded like the perfect escape. Too perfect, to be honest. Rauli had no idea who he was or where he lived. I would be safe there though, but it would also mean that I had to change my number, workplaces and pretty much everything to be able to disappear from the picture. Was I even ready to close that chapter of my life? What if he had time to think about us and his behavior while being at Saariselkä? Maybe he finally realized that his situation was not my fault? Big dreams, that's what I had. Way too big dreams in this World full of chaos and pain.

Some time after I managed to get up from the bed. I took my phone from my bag and noticed that there were few messages, four from Rauli, one from Susanne. I sat back on the edge of the bed and started with the ones from Rauli.

Rauli: Feeling any better?

Rauli: Iiris? Why are you not answering?

Rauli: Are you there?

Rauli: What the hell, Iiris? Why are you not answering me?

All of those had come in early this morning while I was sleeping and I couldn't hear them because I had put the phone on silent so I could ignore him.

Iiris: Sorry, I was sleeping.. But no.. Still feeling like shit.

After replying to Rauli I opened the message from Susanne.

Susanne: Hope you're feeling better! Don't hesitate to ask if you need my help.

Iiris: Hey... Still feeling sick.. But yeah, I'll let you know if I need anything. Rn I have all I need, but thanks.

I threw my phone over my left shoulder and dragged myself into shower. The water felt like a dream against my skin and I decided to soak there until I physically couldn't stay under the water any longer. To make myself feel even better, I sat on the floor and leaned against the wall, letting the water pour over me like no tomorrow. I closed my eyes and tried to push away all the negative thoughts I had, all the bad memories and pain. I needed every single one of those feelings and emotions to go down with the water so that there would be more room in my mind to store some ideas about the upcoming. If I accepted Aleksi's offer, I needed to act fast. And by fast I meant in the next 48 hours. Me and the band were going to return tomorrow and then I had to vanish from our apartment. Or stay there and face the future with Rauli. Each time I thought about leaving, the best memories of us came back into my mind, making it all even more harder. The first kiss, the first time we slept together,... The first time he said he loved me.. Those are things you cannot forget. You can't and you don't want to. They will always be there because they were the most meaningful kiss, night and feeling you have felt during your whole life. How the hell do you put behind something like that?

Having no idea how much time had passed since I got into the shower, I finally stood up and wrapped the towel around my body. I brushed my teeth and tied my hair up into a bun and got out of the bathroom. My bag was on its spot, next to the TV table, so I went there and took out a fresh pair of underwear and a t-shirt. That would be all I was going to wear today. My plan of going shopping and walking around the city failed big times and all I wanted to do now was just to lay on the bed and stare at the ceilings. I didn't even want to go out to get something to eat.