After Her Love

11. Breaking point

Iiris' PoV

Rauli was never a quiet one when he woke up so it was not a surprise that all the noises he made woke up when he was getting ready to leave. I took my phone to see what time it was and the digits showed that it was way too early for me to get up so I closed my eyes and tried to fall back to sleep. But Rauli had other plans. He walked into the bedroom, switched on the lights and the sudden brightness in the room started to hurt my eyes. He then opened the closet and I heard how he started to throw some clothes into his bag. Now, when I was already awake, I fully opened my eyes, sat up and followed his action. Once he was done with the clothes, he put the bag on the bed, next to my legs, and went to get his toiletry from the bathroom. So far he had not noticed that I was awake, but when he came back to the bedroom, our eyes met and I was quick to turn my gaze away. Rauli placed his toiletry next to the bag and took a small, black bag into which he put some of the stuff he got from the bathroom. My eyes were still focused on my own socks that were on the floor. It felt so much safer to stare at them than him because I had no idea what his mood was and what he would do. No matter how much I tried to hide my emotions, Rauli saw that I was distracted and avoided him as best as I could in the space we were in. I could not exactly hide myself with anything nor could I just fade into the air. He knew that I preferred not to talk with him right now but it did not mean that he would stay quiet and keep his thoughts to himself.

"Look.." He started and put his toothbrush and other stuff into the bag, and closed the zipper.

"I'm sorry about yesterday... I should not have done that... " Another meaningless apology that hurt just as much as getting hit by him. Rauli sat down next to me and placed his hand on the blanket over my thigh but because the skin of my leg was still sore, I pushed his hand away.

"Hey..." Rauli tried to catch my eyes but I kept on looking everywhere else than into his, until he placed his finger under my chin and forced me to face him. He did not hurt me this time, but I still felt disguised about his touch. I kept on pressing my teeth together so hard in order to hold back the tears that were almost like pushing through. My face was probably now covered with a purple bruise and I was sure there would be some marks on my neck too because of how hard he choked me last night.

"Sorry... "

That would mean something if it came from his heart, with guilt and regret. But I did not see any of those emotions in him. I have never seen them. That word was just as meaningless for him as "g" in lasagna. It made no sense. He probably had no idea what the meaning for that word even was.

"That won't fix my face, Rauli.. That won't fix any of this.." I whispered and the first, brave tear, made its way down on my cheek. I was on my breaking point, helpless and scared. With his thumb, Rauli wiped it away and sighed. He had not seen me cry for a long time. At first I had trouble hiding my tears from him, but guess time somehow makes you stronger and I learnt to control them. I did not want to show him my weakness but right now I had no power to stay cool.

"I know.. I.. I will search for some help when I get back.. I dunno.. Some anger management support group or.. Something like that.." I had lost track of how many times he had promised to do that. He just never did that and I was tired of those empty promises which would not lead to anywhere. I can't force him to get help, he is an adult and fully responsible for his own actions. If he refuses to see that he is the problem then I cannot do anything about it. The only thing I can do is to help myself.

"You haven't done that before either.. " I whispered and looked at how Rauli clenched his jaws. He knew very well what he had been promising me the past years. Same story every fucking time but nothing was changing. He was not changing. He would never change. But something has to.