After Her Love

28. Feeling of being loved

"Okay, what is it, Aleksi? You've been acting weird since Sunday morning and yes, I did notice it even though I was dying inside." He even sounded like a dad. Probably the family life had changed him so much that he was now actually paying attention to surroundings and on other people too and was able to see when things were not okay. Of course with Robyn he was always like that. She could just speak with a different tone and Joel already knew that she was not ok. And sure, he noticed when some of us were feeling down but he never dragged them out to talk about the problems or feelings in general. It was always Niko or Porko who did that.

"I tell you if you promise to keep your mouth shut... I don't want the others to know anything about it.." I kept my eyes on the coffee Joel bought me. He looked at me a little worried, giving me some flashbacks from the talk we had after he and Robyn got engaged. That was the last time I remember Joel caring about someone else's feelings.

"You have my word."

I sighed and tried to find a way how to tell him that the reason why me and Iiris left the bar earlier was the fact that we actually slept together. From the day I told them about Iiris they were all teasing me about having a crush on her and this would only prove it to them and all the denying would be for nothing.

"I slept with her.. "

"And you're so sad about it? I thought you liked her." Joel looked surprised, maybe a little shocked even.

"Well yeah..I mean.. She is great but.. It just.. It was not supposed to happen.. Not like that.. Not this soon.. She is acting like everything is fine but I can sense that it is bugging her just as much as it is bugging me.. No matter how much we talk about it and keep on ensuring each other that we're fine and let's just move on.. I can't.. I keep thinking back to the night but at the same time I keep blaming myself for what I did.. "

I have never, never in my life poured my heart out on Joel so once I let it all out, it felt so fucking weird that I did not even want the coffee anymore. Joel for sure was not expecting to hear what I just told him, at least not according to his expression. I had no idea what he was thinking.

"What has she said about it?"

"She blames herself.. She is sure she led the conversation somehow to that point but.. I had my role in it.. I feel like I used her.. " My heart was aching because of this. Knowing that she was just healing from a terrible relationship and now I sort of used her vulnerability or something like that. Not on purpose tho. But at that moment it just felt like I had to kiss her. That I had to feel her closer to me than I had felt her before and at that moment I know we both enjoyed it. I don't want to justify myself or my doings by thinking that she was loving the night because it sounds so wrong in my mind. I don't even know what she felt that night, we never talked about it because we were so busy pretending that nothing had changed between us. Maybe she hated it.. I know I enjoyed it but the more I think about what she might think about it, kind of erases all the pleasure of the memory.

"But did she push you away? Did she tell you to stop?" Joel asked while bringing his coffee mug closer to his lips. I shook my head as a no and looked out from the window. It was snowing again and the spring just seemed to be postponed this year. My mood was just as awful as the weather outside.

"So.. Neither of you stopped the action but now you're both feeling shit about it?" Joel asked to make sure he understood what I tried to tell him. I was so used to Porko being the one asking all these kinds of questions and not Joel, so having a therapy session with him felt so weird. Not in a bad way. I was happy that he noticed that I was not okay but I did not expect him to actually care this much.

"Something like that... I'm just clueless.. Maybe the weekend can fix something, we both have a little bit of time to think about what happened and what we should do next if there is anything to do at all.. I'm just afraid that I scare her away.. My house was supposed to be her safe place and now I crossed the line and she probably thinks that all men are the same.. I feel like I'm just like the others... " I didn't even know how to make things go back to normal. These few days have been okay but I saw how tense she was when I was around. Yes, we were talking and still living under the same roof but what if I took away the only place she felt safe.. What if she is thinking that I might kiss her again and cross the boundaries? What if I just ruined everything?