Begin Again

39. Just Survive The Night

It's just one, but they know that one is enough to send someone spiraling. "I can leave just because of one and I am."

Alisha and Philiip are two people who outside of Tre mean the most to me. They've become my second parents despite us being so close in age.

They've helped me grow so much and showed me how to love myself again. Somehow they got me to this point where I know that I'm worth something. Despite me being far from fixed and broken into a million pieces.

I respect those two so much, but they're wrong.

Blood doesn't make someone family; your actions and words do. Ezekiel is not my family not anymore and I've been an idiot to let as much go has, I already did.

He tested how far he could go with each passive aggressive comment and I'm not dealing with it anymore. Yes, I've been getting along with the biologicals, and they have been loving. But theirs not enough love in the world to make me stay here with him- I can't stay with a him again.

Yes it's words now but that's out it starts. It starts with a few words then a hit there, a punch there that I'm back to that place again. I don't want to go there, no - I can't go back there.

Besides if he does leave its just for now. This is his home still at some point he'll come back and then what?

Yes, they may have chose me this time and as great as the bonding between biologicals has been they won't choose me again. I'm not the sibling that gets chosen for love; I was stupid to think that they. They probably only offered to kick Ezekial out for Tre's sake not me.

She's whole, she's the picture of perfection, while I'm barely handling on. I'm surviving with my pieces being strung together by dollar store tape and vibes. Why would they even want me?

It's never me.

I've only had Tre who's been there but now she wants to stay, she has options now. She always chose me because she loved me. But those words Ezekiel said are blurring with the ones Jace said how I'm worthless, just whore no one would ever want me or love me.

Did she chose me all this time because she loved me? I always though that but now she has a family a whole family and she wants to stay.

No one will want you ever.

"Angy, they're our family and we shouldn't leave them just because of one idiot. They want us and they've been treating us with some much respect and showering us in love. We should stay even if it were for the night at least for our parents," Tre pleaded while looking at me hopeful eyes.

They say sometimes a person just reaches a breaking point, and I think that's where I am. I just hear Jace & Ezekiel's voice in my head, both taunting me.

You don't like this feeling huh? I can stop you want me to stop.

I don't- I don't like this. I JUST I don't want to feel like this anymore.

Tell me to stop, tell me you don't want this please tell me so I can go be with your sister.

Standing there in my room frozen the voices of Tre, Phillip and Alisha background noise at this point.

I know that's what you want, to stop. I will and then I'll go do your sister I'll tell her how you could have stopped it for her. You could have protected her but good for nothing selfish whore didn't want to.

"Angy?" Tre said with concern laced in her tone as she wrapped her hands around mine trying to undo the tightening fist, I didn't even know I made. "Shit angy," she murmured as she unballed my fist seeing the blood trinkle out of my hand that took place from my nails cutting into my skin.