SIMPHIWE SHANDU THE HUSBAND

After an hour of waiting the nanny finally pulls through. She started in town to do grocery shopping. I understood. I have been dozing off on the couch and later get startled by the kid's noise. 
“I just need to take a nap before going to the hospital. Will you manage with the little one added.” I point out Sizile. 
“Not at all. Your kids do not bother me at all.” I nodded my head and ran up the stairs. My eyes drifted to sleep the minute they closed.
I find myself walking in a place filled with white mist. The passage has no ending, and I am beginning to be afraid. My heart is beating rapidly that I fail to control my breathing. A white door opens and all I can see is green grass filled with birds. Everything is just pure and white. I smile looking around. The fruits here look juicy and very big. I should bring Nozi here for a vacation. I know she will like it; she loves peaceful places. 
“It’s good to know that you think about her all the time.” I get startled by a voice I know but I can’t tell who. I turn around only to find Jele grinning like a stupid man. 
“Why do you like to always follow me around?” I ask with this urge to roll my eyes. 
“No, this time it’s the other way around. You followed me to my safe place.” 
“Where is your beard?” I ask. I remember how much he loved his bare. Always neatly trimmed. 
“Story for another day. You don’t know where you are, right?” Is that a historical question. 
“Dah, we are in South Africa.” I say. He laughs showing off his super white teeth.
“Still stupid I see. Can we sit down and have a real talk.” For once I am not fighting him. I see a woman walking towards us with a baby warped in a blue blanket. She smiles and stands Infront of me. 
“This is my gift to you. You know that sometimes we come into the world to serve a purpose. My purpose was to mend Your broken marriage with Nozi. I know you did not divorce her.” I swallow and look on the side. “Which is a good thing. That woman loves you through back and front. I am happy to see a change in you. He stands up and takes the baby from the woman and hands it to me. 
“This is my mother by the way.” The woman turns back to leave without waiting for me to even greet her. 
“She’s beautiful.” I speak. 
“And old enough to be your mother.” We look at each other and both laugh.
“Take care of Nozi your big head.” He hits the back of my head and just disappears right Infront of my eyes. Everything becomes white again. I feel like the ground is swallowing me. The baby has disappeared from my hands, and I am now holding a blue fluffy blanket. I fell into a river trying to swim myself out. I find myself floating. 

“Simphiwe!” a cold splash lands on my face. I wake up panting wet from head to toe. I stand up and look around. I am in my bedroom. I look at the nanny holding a jar. 
“Did you just pour water on me?” I ask. I do not remember permitting her to enter my bedroom. 
“Yes, you have been sleeping since yesterday. What was I supposed to do?” she screams out loud and throws the jar to my chest. I sink on the bed. I feel tired. Shoulders heavy. Did I sleep for that long? 
“Maka Sizi came by and fetched her.” She tells me but my mind is just stuck on the weird dream I had. Jele? We buried him months ago. Infact, we cremated him and that is what he wanted. A small intimate ceremony with just of his dew coworkers. His ashes are in the guest room that Nozi used to occupy. That is what was written in that stupid document. I get to burn his fucken entire body and save his fucken ashes, for what I have no idea. I live with a ghost. No wonder I just dreamt about it. The nanny walks out and tells to take a shower while she makes food for me. I do as told. The blanket he gave me? Maybe Nozi is having a male child. I swallow a bitter pill. It hurts that I failed to give her what she wanted the most. I let the hot water run through my entire body. If my skin peels off - I don't care. Maybe it's just what I need. After a long time standing in the water, I finally got out. I feel a bit lighter in every way. My shoulders no longer hurt. I find the bedding changed. Guess the nanny did the changing. I slip into conformable clothes and go down the stairs. Indeed, my food is in the microwave. Nothing special. Just and English breakfast. She knows her way around the kitchen, but I prefer Nozi’s cooking far better than anyone’s. That woman is a beast in the kitchen. 
“I’ll be in the hospital if you need me.” I say already on my way out. I hate that I must leave my kids behind and go spend a lot in the hospital. I am not complaining. I know that it will be all worth it in the end. I need to pass by my parents' house. I just want to see them. I want to know what they never visited me while I was in prison. Why did they never come while I was in hospital. I park outside the gate. The gate is wide open and looks like everyone is here. I make my way in and the first person I see is my stepsister. I don’t know how to feel about this. 
“Buti.” She is already hovering over me with her tight hugs. I pretend to smile. I don’t want her to feel awkward. I hugged her back. 
“Kiddo.” That is how Nozi used to call her. 
“Where is Malumekazi?” I swallow. 
“She is at home.” I lie. She nods her head and smiles. She lets go of my waist and hip hop towards my car. These selfies will get these kids killed one day. Who breaks their leg when taking a selfie. These mouths turn into an O pouty way, something I cannot describe. I feel sorry for my car – honestly. I make my way to the house, and everyone is there. I stand by the door and watch them while they are having a blast of laughter. My father's eyes land on me. I am smiling not because I am seeing them. But I am smiling because I am hurt. 
“Son.” The whole room becomes silent. I look at my mother who has abounded me when I needed her the most. I feel a lump stuck in my throat. My vision gets blurry. So, all this while, while I was suffering, they were busy here having the best tele show of their lives. I shake my head in disappointment. I have no words to describe how I feel at the moment. I walk out and say nothing. I am beyond hurt at this point. The amount of pain I am feeling is... 
“Simphiwe!” that is my mother screaming her lungs out. I don't turn. She can now walk but she never bothered to come see me in hospital. I just want to be out of here. I now regret setting foot in the house in the first place. My car is just parked outside, I reverse and drive straight to the hospital. I want to see Nozi. She will heal my heart for the better - that I know. I can’t control my tears from falling. I park at the side of the road and let it all out. I am crying because I need a break from my life. I deserve to be happy to like every other married couple! I get it, I brought this upon myself, and I have no one to blame but this big head of mine. But when will I ever catch a break! I bang the steering wheel with my head and let out the excruciating cry. Maybe I will feel better.