SIMPHIWE SHANDU THE HUSBAND

“Nozi.” I find her asleep with her body facing the wall. I sigh sitting on the chair that is beside the bed. “Do not ever scare me like that. You know I almost died.” She turns to face me with her puffy eyes. She is still crying. 
“I just wanted to take the pain away. Why is it so hard to get rid of the pain I am feeling in my chest? Why am I feeling this way, Simphiwe?” She is way too emotional. I stand up and sit on the bed beside her. 
“I know that you feel like God has forsaken you which is not the case here. Everything happens for a reason Dali. You go through certain phasis in life to get to reach that peaceful life. I am to be blamed for what you are going through.”
“I can't lose the only man that has ever loved me for who I am and what I am. Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.” She sniffs. 
“I know that what people say - you'll get over it. I'd say it, too. But I know it's not true. Oh, you'll be happy again, never fear. But you won't forget. Every time you fall in love it will be because something in the man reminds you of him.” A little pinch of hurt I am feeling I don’t even know what the hell I was saying until I said the last part. 
“When it's gone, I will know what a gift love was. So, I will go back and fight to keep it. Everyone keeps telling me that time heals all wounds, but no one can tell me what I’m supposed to do right now. Right now, I can’t eat. Right now, I still hear his voice and sense his presence even though I know he’s not here with me. What will it be if he truly departs from this world and gets to leave me behind. Right now, all I seem to do is cry. I know all about time and wounds healing, but even if I had all the time in the world, I still don’t know what to do with all this hurt right now. There is an ocean of silence between us… and I am drowning in it.” She sniffs but eventually lets it all out. I am lost for words. I was a true jerk to make another man to make her feel this way, feel loved and appreciated. A tear escapes my eye. I close my eyes and look up at the ceiling. 
“I am so sorry.” That is all I could mutter. I am hurt that I failed to love her right! I wrap my arms around her neck and place her head on my chest. Her cries pierce right through my heart. I hate myself that I cannot take the pain she is feeling. 
“Askies Dali wami.” That is all I can offer. The emotional support. Her cries are something that I cannot take honestly. She has suffered a lot because of me and now this... 

Finally, she gets to sleep. After that whole emotional stage, she put me through, she has finally managed to come down. I untangle myself from her and get off the bed carefully not waking her up. I kiss her lips and step out. I need some time alone without Nozi and the kids. I wish I could smoke something that would make me high and forget the moment pf hurt that I am in. It hurts to see her cry for another man – a man that has been doing right by her. I remember this one time when I was going through a phase of depression. I failed all the modules, and it was the hardest time of my life. I ended up finding comfort in drugs but luckily Nozi was there to hold my hand throughout the process before I even became a junkie. That woman put up a lot for me. She was there through it, fail without fail and not for once has she ever judged me because of my past. It's time I returned the favor. I want to make her happy and wipe all the pain away from her - that’s if she allows me to. 
“Stressful day?” asks a lady who was standing beside me. The smell of cigarettes is making me so eager to try it out once more. Just to have that puff. I don't want to go through that memory lane. 
“Yea.” I see her smile. 
“Handsome men don’t stress. Your eyes are so damn swollen. Have you been crying?” Ow I see where all of this is heading. If I was the old Simphiwe, trust me I would have given her my attention. 
“I guess I have to go back.” I turn to leave. 
“We can hang out some time later on.” she screams. Some women really have no shame. “I am a married man, and I am very much happy.” I shouted back. I want to see her for the last time before I get to go see Jele. I just want to have a word with him. All of this feels like a horror movie. A movie that I do not see myself as a starring in. I look at her, she is in deep sleep. My heart is still aching in pain for her and for myself. For the child she is caring and for the kids that I have abounded.