Defining a Terrorist #Wattys2016 (Editing)

Chapter 14

"You mean to say, that you married Yousef and became his lawfully wedded wife to access some information?" I question astonished and a shiver runs down my spine.

"Yes." She confirms, she let a man touch her just for some information? "Stop being so judgmental!" She snaps and her green scarf give her brown eyes an edge, did I say that out loud? "I know what you're thinking, that how could I have fallen so low to spend time with a man I married just for information, right? At least I married him. But let me tell you Sana, you're not a goodie two shoes yourself. Did or did you not on multiple occasions spend time alone with Shawn these past couple of days?" She challenges me with intervened hands.

My mouth hangs open, making me gape at her and Shawn turn rigid beside her while the rest gets uncomfortable. "Are you being serious now?" I question her while a fog of tension starts to cloud the room. "I am not here by my own choice." I verbalize slowly. "The reason I have spent time with Shawn is due to the fact that he is my kidnapper." I add distraught at her words and feel filthy.

She crosses her arms over her chest. "Ok we let that one pass but being a Muslim you're obligated to wear hijab and to not judge people. Aren't you too fast on judging people?" She tilts her head, ok that I couldn't deny.

My throat goes dry as I remember all the occasions I have judged even Shawn on. "Sahara, I am not understanding why you're trying to bring out my faults. I haven't really said anything to you. Yes, I do sin. Matter of fact everyone does, that's why we have been given the chance to ask forgiveness from our Lord and he has promised to forgive every sincerely repenting heart." I take a pause formulating my next words with a drumming heart spreading heat across my whole body, like if I am having a fever.

When finding my voice again I continue to add with tears pricking my eyelids. "And I am sorry for being judgmental. To be honest, it is hard for me to not be giving a thought to how absurd the past couple of days have been, this is all new to me. However, I'll try my best to refrain from it." I honestly promise, as I can see that I have majorly sinned. "And the worry you and Shawn seem to have over me not wearing a hijab, drop it. I'll wear it when I am ready." I stand up and leave my cup of tea on the table. "I am too tired right now and want to sleep a bit, good night guys." Telling them that I walk to the room they have given me.

Closing the door I lean back on the brown door with a heavy heart. Within a second my tears start to pour, in an attempt to mute my sobs my hands reaches my mouth. My heart aches at the humiliation. It is not that I care about what others actually think of me. However, I am hurt by the way Sahara lashed out on my character and Shawn didn't say a word to defend me. Not that I expect something from him but he should by now know that I am not a characterless person.

Sniffing and wiping away my tears I go to the washroom and do my wudu, cleaning or purifying ritual before praying. Not wanting to ask anyone for a prayer rug, I look around in the room. The room is quite big with a bed beside the window, a bureau at a corner with a mirror above it, two chairs beside a small round table beside another wall and a television hanging above the opposite wall.

Thankfully I find a prayer rug in one of the drawers and give search for the direction of Kaaba in the Islamic Compass app in my mobile. Kaaba, a holy building in Mecca, is always faced while praying no matter where you are in the world. The direction is called Qibla. Spreading the prayer rug across the room towards the corner. Securing the scarf, Shawn had brought with him for me, around my head I start to pray.

The dua I end my prayer with is. "Oh Allah, make me among those whom You have guided, and make me among those whom You have saved, and make me among those whom You have chosen, and bless whatever you have given me, and protect me from the evil which you have decreed. Verily, You decide the things and nobody can decide against You and none whom You have committed to Your care shall be humiliated and none whom You have taken as an enemy shall taste glory. You are blessed, our Lord, and Exalted, we ask for Your forgiveness and turn to You. Peace and mercy of Allah be upon the Prophet." Tears streams down my face as I feel so lost in life and at the same time feel a divine kind of peace. "Please Allah, guide me, forgive me, my family, the whole Ummah and guide those who are lost. Please Allah, make me pass the tests in life and guide me back home." With that I hear a knock on my door and I swiftly mumble. "Ameen."