ALL MINE (GxG)

74

I didn't know what compelled me to stand up and leave like I did. Or, I did know the reason, I just couldn't believe how quickly I responded to it. It was immediate—the words were said and then my body responded, my emotions responded, before the rest of me could catch up. 

I turned on my heel and headed in the direction of where I was pretty sure the bathroom was. But of course, I had never been to this club before and no one had told me where anything was. I could see the dance floor and the bar—everything else was a giant black mass of nothingness. The walls all seemed bare with no doors in sight. And I couldn't tell what was down the side hallways, if they would lead to a bathroom or if it was just a storage closet. 

I wasn't even sure what it was exactly that had upset me. I wasn't sure if I really was upset, or if I was just overwhelmed by everything. These were all new friends in a new place. I've never necessarily been good with change, which is why that's the only logical reason behind how I'm feeling. I've always loved going out, but it felt so different here. I was in a new place surrounded by new people, and everything just felt so foreign. I kept feeling this emptiness crawling up around me that makes my stomach twist in such a distasteful way. Maybe it's because I'm still processing everything that unfolded prior to all this back in New York—or maybe it's that I'm realizing that this was a completely different Cayden from the Cayden that I had gotten to know. She told different stories and had different memories with these friends. It was hard—really hard. It felt like I'd gotten to know someone and now I was being told that I'd only actually met half of her. 

I didn't feel like she'd lied to me or deceived me along the way. There wasn't any sense of betrayal. It was just... different. New. It was all the same Cayden, but in a different setting and clearly, with people who went harder than her friends back at her childhood home or in New York. 

The music was blasting at an unbelievable volume, making my ears pop. I could feel the bass through my entire body. It was weirdly grounding to feel it and breathe it.

I wandered around, pushing through friends and large groups to find the bathroom. The crowd was chaotic and getting increasingly rowdy, and I had a feeling the club was just starting to gear up for a wild night. 

Eventually, I found the bathroom and pushed the door open, grateful to have found it. I needed a moment where I wasn't feeling totally seen by a crowd of people. Even with the dim lighting, it wouldn't take much to visibly see that I was upset. And even if I was upset, I was really embarrassed by the fact that I was. It was so stupid to feel this way, especially when Cayden just wanted to enjoy a night out with her friends. I just... I don't feel like myself, and on top of that, I feel so empty and drained from just everything overall. It wasn't just tonight. It was everything unfolding with J&J—leaving New York—to coming to Miami and readjusting—then meeting new people who only reminded me of the friends I lost—and lastly, just trying to keep up with Cayden's pace, mentally and physically. 

Thankfully, there wasn't a bathroom line—probably due to it still being so early in the night—so I rushed into a stall and took a breather, locking myself inside so I could actually be alone. I needed a second where no one was looking at me, so I could catch up with myself and breathe a little bit. 

Everything was fine. I knew that. No one was trying to hurt my feelings or make me feel like I didn't belong—or even remind me of J&J. But still, I felt the anxiety and emptiness in the pit of my stomach. 

"Avina?" 

I looked up, unsure of if I was hearing things or if that was really Cayden's voice. 

"Are you in here?" 

It was definitely her. Part of me wanted to shut her out, embarrassed that I had to get up and leave the table, but another part of me wanted to let her in. I wanted to let her be here for me.