Only thoughts, head's full

Alone

Being alone always is always peaceful to me. No people means no social interactions, no social interaction means peaceful. Most of the time it's just quite tiring talking to people, socializing, and making friends, I have friends, yes but sometimes it's just hard to keep up with people. Especially in my current friend group, they're all a bunch of extroverts, and they talk a bunch and meet a lot of people.

I love meeting people, and finding out we have the same likes and hobbies. But for some reason, I just hate it sometimes. Maybe because sometimes, when someone says something that offends me or that I don't take kindly to, I feel angry but of course, I don't say anything about it. So I would take the time to think why that certain "thing that they said" made me angry, most of the time, I don't know why. Sometimes people just say insulting jokes, and I don't mind it, but for some people I do. I don't know if I'm being overly sensitive but, that's how I feel. 

Things like that are the reason that I avoid talking to people sometimes. Not in real life though, there's no real way of ignoring someone in real life that actually doesn't make me feel bad if you follow. But in today's chapter, we're not going to talk about friendships and such. We're going to talk about being alone, so I apologize for going off-topic.

So, being alone. I don't mind it at all, I've always been a shut-in ever since I was like 7 I think, that's also the time that my social anxiety surfaced. A lot of people might think, that I would hate being lonely. When I was a child, yes I felt that way.

But these days, I just look outside and look at the children outside, with an almost "nostalgic" feel to it, like "I remember when I was a child". Sometimes though, I envy them, going out to go with friends. But it's much more peaceful to stay inside.

I never felt bored when I'm holed up in my house. Because of the YouTubers/streamers, and people that I look up to, I can just see them, on a screen. That sounds incredibly sad when I say it like that, but please don't feel bad. But I enjoy it, they make me feel happy and fuzzy. Some of them even cheer me up no matter what.

I only go outside when I need to, like going to school or buying necessities. Because of that, I don't really have friends in my neighborhood. It'll feel weird, I've been living in this neighborhood for a while, and if I were to go outside and go "hey, wanna be friends?" it'll always sound so alien to me. One day, I'll have the courage to go outside (as dumb as that sounds)

So all the friends I have are from school. It's quite difficult to meet up with them and do things with them.

But that's all from me today, thank you for listening (or reading actually-) through my ranting.

My smile,

Their laugh,

That gave me comfort

The stillness,

Tranquil,

Of the water,

Of the wind,

And their softened gaze

Brings me great peace

I would like the keep that peace,

Till the day I die.

(October 26, 2022)
-Raven