After Her Love

23. The weight of the World

"Not too far from here... And not even near the area you used to live, so there is nothing to worry about.."

Hearing that calmed me down a little and I agreed to join them. I knew it would only do good to be surrounded by friends while my mind was doing its best to really knock me over the edge. Even though the girls have been here with me while Aleksi has been working it has not changed the fact that I suffered under domestic violence for years. I still had nightmares, I had my paranoia, I had lost my trust for a lot of people and it was so hard to think about anything else even though we have been talking about everything else other than the abuse itself. Every silent moment my mind managed to find the most painful moments of my life and I knew it would take a lot of time before I could close my eyes without seeing Rauli's face. It was like I was stuck in my nightmares because each spare minute in my mind was filled with different kinds of what ifs..

"Great! I let them know that they can count us in. We'll be leaving in an hour." Aleksi said while taking her phone out from his pocket. I just smiled and stood up to go take a quick shower. I felt like a hobo even though I did not look like one. Technically I was homeless, Aleksi was just kind enough to invite me to stay at his. But I had nothing except my personal stuff... And plane tickets... The tickets that will take me away from here, from this country.. I was struggling telling Aleksi about them. I wanted to. I just had no clue how. He would probably be happy for me that I had made a decision of what I wanted to do but I just could not. I felt the weight of the World on my shoulders while hiding it but I knew that eventually I will tell him, one way or the other. For some reason his kindness makes some things hard for me and maybe there is still the trust issue that makes me so unsure about everything and everyone, even though I knew Aleksi would never reveal to Rauli where I was.

After the shower I went to dress up. I chose my light blue skinny jeans and a red top that had some laced details on the cleavage. As I had no clue how fancy the dinner was going to be at Robyn's, I decided to wear just a light makeup which would fit on any occasion. Once I was ready, I went back to the living room but I realized Aleksi was still in the shower where he went after me. While waiting for him, I scrolled through my social media. There were few new messages on Instagram so I went to check on them but once I saw who they were from, I regretted it immediately. One was from Sami, my former coworker from the youth center. Knowing that his message would be harmless, I opened it.

Sami: Iiris, hey.. I just wanted to let you know that the kids miss you like hell.. But also that some guy walked in here yesterday and asked after you. I didn't say anything because I had nothing to say to him anyway.. Just the shitty thing is that the kids got a little scared.. And now they think something bad happened to you.. Can I atleast tell them you're fine?

I bit my lower lip and felt how tears started to gather up in the corner of my eyes. I missed the kids. I missed how sincere they were, how they always asked the silliest questions.. How they always managed to make me smile no matter how bad my day had started. Being without their company felt weird and I did not know how to exist without them..

Iiris: I'm sorry he came there... Tell the kids I'm ok.. Tell them I moved away, to another city or something like that.. And thank you for not telling Rauli anything about me..

I sent the message and scrolled through the other ones. Most I ignored just because I had no energy to answer them, but then there was a message from Henri, Rauli's friend whose birthday they all went to celebrate. What if this was it? What if Rauli was now messaging me from his friends' accounts to find out where I was? I was scared as hell but I knew if I did not open the message I would not know if it was Rauli or just Henri messaging me.

Henri: Iiris, hey. I don't know if you remember me.. But Rauli has been acting weird for a few days now, being furious and all.. Do you happen to know what's wrong with him? He was supposed to come to the job interview this morning but he didn't show up and honestly, it's not even the first time he did that.. Me and Felix have been offering him a job for the last six months now but now I've also reached my limits with him.. Just text me back if you know what's going on..