*Words can’t explain how terrified I’ve been to write you this, but I feel like it can’t hurt, Can it? Well, we’ll see. I just want you to know how I completely feel. The last thing I want is to come across your mind as needy and desperate. But that's not the Case. It's Just My heart speaking
I guess I’ve decided to write this because lately, somehow, I have been finding comfort in writing, I miss you so much it hurts. I miss looking forward to talking to you and seeing you every day. I miss when we would just talk on the phone for hours. When you’d not say a word and tell me you love listening to the sound of my voice. I miss when I would go to look at you, but you were already looking at me first. Some days I miss you so much I go through all the messages you wrote me, and it makes me smile and sad, but then I wake up in the morning and realize you’re not here anymore, and I get sad again. To hear I was your world always made me feel special. You were not ashamed of me, and you would remind me you loved me every day. I just can’t let go. I don’t want to see you move on, but I’m not doing much about it either. I could tell you how much I’ve missed you for days and weeks, but I feel like it won’t make a difference*
I sigh letting a few tears fall the continued...
*You are my angel in human flesh. You are too much for me, yet I can’t get enough!! I simply cannot put into words how I feel about you when I see you, hear you! My heart breaks just to be around you. I take in the way you move, the way you talk, whenever you are around although it may only be for moment, it’s enough to make my day. These intense feelings will never go away. Every day and night I thank God that you came into my life, what I feel for you exists inside my heart. I often think of that wonderful evening when we first met-the first time I saw you – the first time we spoke to each other – the first time we touched – the first time we danced. are the first kiss that you gave me on your couch after i asked you to be my girlfriend by telling you that fairytale story on your couch. It seems just like yesterday to me because I have always kept such precious memories constantly alive in the pages of my mind. If you decide to open your heart to me again, you will benefit from my improved personal standards, which can only serve to elevate this relationship from the emotional state in which it seems to have found itself . Every second we’ve been apart, every word, action and thought that has ever been spoken or passed, has travelled thru the depths of my mind and it makes me a better person every day. I guess what I’m trying to say is that, look it’s not a need or necessity to have you back, but it’s a choice instead to want to be with you again and my mind and heart choose to be with you – so look there’s a difference between needing you back and choosing to want to be with you. The purpose of this letter is to let you acknowledge that I’m not asking for you to take me back right now, I don’t want to be selfish and pressure you to be back with me all over again. No, I don’t want that! All I'm trying to say and gain from this letter is a little sign of hope that one day this storm will calm down and it will be sunny again between you and me again. Cause the way i feel about you is a rare type of love*
I close her diary and smile a bit. I feel like crying and screaming. Is it because...
“Basi, there is a woman looking for you outside.” Genqe is banging on my door like a mad woman. I stand up and swear my slippers. This thing of me walking around the house half naked needs to stop. I run down the steps – to my surprise Bagqibile is here pacing up and down like a mad woman.
“What ae you are doing here?” I ask in a blasé tone.
“You have the guts to ask me what I am doing here! Your daughter is sick, and you are busy playing happy families with your kids!” she screams. I just look at her without saying a word. I fold my arms, take a deep breath and relax.
“Okay.”
“Thats all you could say? okay!”
“What do you want me to say? You told me to leave you alone and that is exactly what I did.” Why is she here causing drama in my already upside life? I don’t understand this woman like really. She told me to step back, and I did. Now I am being crucified for her actions?
“Argh! She screams.
“If you do not mind - I need to sleep. I have work tomorrow.” I say turning to leaving going up the stairs. She follows me behind shouting on top of her lungs.
“You will wake my kids up Bagqibile.” I am clam as hell but my inner self is boiling.
“I don’t care about those spilt brats! My child needs you. She is in pain. I don’t know what to do.” She can cry all she wants. I honestly do not care.
“I told you that there is only one way to heal that child and you have refused for me to do the rituals. If Sizile dies, it will be in your hands.” I says. She gasps holding her chest with tears dropping.
“If you want us to talk like adults and have a peaceful coparenting. I suggest you put yourself together and come back once you are ready.” I shut the door making sure to lock it. Mr nice guy is no more. My marriage has fallen apart because of women. Because of me giving them the wrong impression. An impression of heaven and earth. I can hear footsteps disappearing and a loud sob follows. I will not dare leave this room to shush her. I have a lot of baggage already and without Nozi in sight everything is just west.
-
-
-
Bagqibile slept here. I am sure she bullied Genqe. I will still not entirtain her with her drama. She must know that I will never ever look ather the way I use to. That chapter is closed, and everything was sealed. I m a new man now.
“Morning.” I greet. She responds back with a smile.
“How was your night?” She is drinking tea in my wifes cup.
“Please, try to respect my wife's belongings.” I says.
“I heard she left you.” She finds this amusing. I will not respond to that.
“Once you are done with your tea see yourself out.” I grab my lunch on top of the table and walk out leaving her stunned. If she was alone, I would have chased her out but since Sizile is with her I had to think about her. It hurts that I cannot bond with my own child. I take a deep breath and bury my head in the staring wheel.
“Sir, you forgot your coat.” What would I be without Genqe?
“Thank you.”
__________
The hospital is busy like every other day. Nothing fun about it. I am starting to dislike this place. I still love my job but it's just the place I hate working in. My mind is all over. I am not functioning properly. I misplace things and my mind forgets easily.
“What was the issue again?” I ask.
“I believe I have told you three times that I am here for the medication I was told to fetch.” the woman says with a low chuck. I take a deep breath.
“Ow, yes. I am so sorry.” I look at her file and all I could see was just words that were moving from left to right. I stand up and pull for the medicine cabinet. I pulled out the medication and provided it to the lady.
“Drink it two times a day after your meals.”
I am left alone to swim in my sorrows. Is this how Nozi felt when I was out and about on my whoring ways? Tears burn my eyes as I fail to contain them. My chest feels heavy. It hurts!
“You have an operation in a few. Are you okay?” one of the doctors asks sounding concerned. I don’t want any to sympathize with me. I am the who pushed myself in this direction.
“Yea, I will be fine.” what is the operation regarding?” I ask. I stand up and collect myself wiping my eyes.
“I don’t think you are in a right state of mind to do that brain tumor operation. I suggest you go out for the fresh air and come back once you feel a bit better.” I know he is looking out for me, but I need to do this.
“It's fine. I will do the surgery.”
“Are you sure? You don’t seem...”
“I said I’m fine!” I snap unintentionally. “Look man I'm sorry.” He nods his head and leaves me deep in my worries. I followed him shortly to the theatre room...
-
-
-
Just the simple surgery – the simplest thing of making an incision in the scalp and removing a piece of bone from the skull to give the neurosurgeon access to the tumor. The tumor was near a delicate part of the brain, and I fucked all of that up. We lost him. I kick the chair in frustration.
“Ahh!” I believe my toe is no longer in good shape. I groan sitting down with my energy dying down. I don’t know what is going to happen next. I haven't told the family about the passing of their son. We assured them that we would do whatever was in our power to save him. But I killed him. I mistakenly killed him. He started bleeding from the inside of his brain while still operating on him. I didn’t pay much attention to it because everything was going smoothly.
“Doctor Shandu – The Matron is requesting for your presence” The nurse informs me. I take a deep breath and follow her behind. I don’t know what my fate is.
“Matron.” the family of the man I was operating is here.
“Tell us what happened?” Matron says making me to swallow. My heart is pounding rapidly, I am failing to utter a word.
“Dr Shandu!” she bangs the table a bit startling me.
“It was surgery that went wrong matron. I'm sorry.” I bow my head in shame. The wailing tearing up my ear drum to the worst case. His mother is on the floor rolling. This sight is traumatizing me.
“You killed my son!” his father says pointing out his sjambok right on my face.
“I didn’t mean to sir. I am sorry.” tears fall. A sob escapes my mouth. I am also hurting, and I miss Nozi and that I just wish to take my own life. A loud bang collides with the back of my head. I fail to control my breathing. I turn finding the man with the sjambok in his hand raised up. He hit me! The instant headache makes my brain jiggle around the skull. I can feel it. Everything becomes dark, my vision is being taken by darkness.
“Baba!” That is the matron's voice. I lost my balance dropping down to the ground.
SIMPHIWE SHANDU THE HUSBAND
Start from the beginning
