SIMPHIWE SHANDU THE HUSBAND

A note on the table...

“I tried holding on thinking that you might change but you just kept on pushing me to the end and limit. I chose you over everyone else, including myself. Sometimes against my better judgment. Even when it hurt me to do so. But always, I chose you. Without thought. Without reason. Like diving off a cliff during the summer because the water below seems more inviting than longing from a distance. We would rather fall, most days, instead of keeping our feet firmly on the ground. We like to believe we can fly. I broke every promise that I ever made to myself because I wanted so desperately to fit into your life somehow. Someway. I was willing to completely reinvent myself; to rebuild myself in your image. To reconstruct into something, I thought you wanted. Into someone I thought you could love. Hours, molding and bending my curves, folding and unfolding the edges of who I was until I didn’t recognize the woman in the mirror looking back at me. Until I no longer knew what I was made of. Yet, in the end it wasn’t enough. I chose you, but you never chose me. So, I’m done, and I hope you will be happy with my decision. I want to thank you. Really. I needed the ruin. I needed it because you, with your quiet indecision, taught me everything that love isn't. And even though you never said the words, sometimes silence and actions can be louder than anything you could ever say. Indecision is a decision...” 
I tore the letter up and did not finish what she had written. The pain seems to be doubling every second. I need something to ease the pain – something that will make me forget my poor decisions and actions. I am a failure – a husband of failure. Who will continue to love the father of the nation! I decided to drink an overdose of painkillers first, I will have my jaw checked out tomorrow. 

The whisky seems to be not doing any job, it's not doing what I want. I want to feel the pain leaving my body, the pain of my wife leaving me. I want to float and forget for a second. I gulp down the last droplets that remained and I can feel my body getting loose, like I am walking on top of the clouds for some reason. I step out of my room with just my shorts. I know she must be in the guestroom, hiding away from me. I push the door open and here she is, sleeping on the bed. 
“Nozi, I knew you wouldn’t leave me.” I say and she squints her eyes regaining her sight. She sits up straight - I look at her through my blurry vision. I dip my body on top of the bed and push her to lay on her back fully. 
“I have been looking for you all over.” I say smashing my bloody lips against her mouth. That Strawbery smell...The power of her trying to be pushed off. 
“I missed you.” I say diving in her lips. I groan wanting to feel her.  

Here I am caressing at her entrance. 
“Looks good.” I say tapping my cock on her clit. She whimpers and shakes underneath. 
“You like that don’t you?” I smirk – the vision is very blurry for me. I make my way south of the river to spice up the tension. I take the plunge, experiment with some sensual kissing up and down her inner thighs. I pulled her pants off and threw them on the floor. I open her legs even wider and find that clit and dive in. I step back and isolate her clit by using my mouth to separate it from her lips and then suck it up into my mouth. I create an airtight vacuum chamber around it to keep it erect. I lick the area just above where her genital lips start. Then proceed to lick, kiss and touch her whole inner part. I feel her inner thighs tremble. 

The wetness is welcoming. I push in the slippery heaven and grunt. It's like a squishy, wet pillow with ruffles. She is clenching her Kegel muscles. My penis is surrounded by her wet warmth. The psychological experience of being completely penetrated by a vagina is incomparable. It feels like power, potential and freedom at the same time.
“Nozi,” I hiss closing my eyes. This feels so damn good. 
“Ouch.” she cries as I quicken the pace. If I pick that pace up, she will normally scratch my entire body screaming with pleasure. But today it is just another different story. Just soft moans which I'm not even used to. I look at her face and everything is blurry. I feel my head spin must be the alcohol I drank. I feel like splashing everything out. My heartbeat pumps harder. I fail to control myself, so I pull out and lay flat on the bed on my stomach. 

NOZIMANGA

I am parked at the side of the road looking at the ring on my left hand. Was this the reason I held on for such a very long time? I shake my head with a lot of tears preaking out. Talk about a completely and utterly fucked up woman.
Having a physical and emotional affair, on and off over the early stages of our marriage.  the most fucked up thing I’ve ever known him to do, and the most fucked up thing I’ve ever had to experience. The worst part was he saw my soul crumble. Watched me go from a tired but proud woman to a broken and defeated heap of a woman. Back then I saw a scared, battered man who had lost the battle against his own destructive thought patterns and low self-worth. He was a big, strong guy but through this he seemed so small to me. It was like he shrunk inside himself as he told me how he had become convinced that I could never love him the way he needed to be loved, and so he numbed the pain by accepting validation from another woman. I chuck shaking my head in disbelief. I asked him numerous times if are there any surprises left for me to know – but he denied straight to my face and had no guilt. He made a fool repeatedly! Jele gave me a call again and I had no other option but to pick him up, he must have been worried sick about me. 
“Where the hell are you!” he shouts. The care this man has for me - I cannot even begin to explain it. 
“Parked at the side of the road.” My tears have dried out and I am failing to even cry more. 
“Just come home.” He dropped the phone on me. ‘That come home’ had me smiling. When was the last time I was ordered like this. It’s in the middle of the night but I just don’t care what happens to me at this point. 

___

“Don't you ever scare the hell out of me in that manner.” He has me squeezed in his arms so tightly like I will a run-away bride. I pull back...
“I'm sorry.” indeed I am. Guess I just wanted time to myself. Collect myself and ask my inner self what I want. 
“Come, let's take a bath.” Jele is supposed to be at work, and he is here babying me all the way. 

I bathed, eaten and warmed on his bed in his large buffy arms. 
“Were to from here.” He asks me. I want to be happy – forget about my old life. Find myself again and be able to stand on my own two feet. My head is on his chest, and I just feel that this is the safest place for me. 
“Moving forward.” I look at my ring again and I see the emptiness, broken vows, a broken marriage and a woman’s destroyed soul. I slowly slip it off and guess what - I feel fresh air, like something huge and dark has been removed. 
“Are you sure?’ 
“I am positive.” 
“I don’t want to get my hopes up for nothing.” He tells me. I tilted my head and looked deeply into his eyes and smiled.
“This is what brings happiness to me. This is where the gold and glitters are.” I heard him gasp. 
“So, you are here because of gold and all that?”
“Yes sir.” 
“Gold digger.”
I smile with tears blinding my vision. 
“Why does God get to punish us in this manner?” 
“I wouldn’t say God punishes us to go certain pain in life, God no longer punishes us for our sin – but I guess it's just a lesson toughening us.” ‘
“If that is a lession then I have learnt mines.” 
“I'm sorry.” 
“No, I was stupid enough to hold on where there was nothing to hold on to.” Who holds on for such a long period of time for a man who doesn’t value their wife. Was I blinded by love or marriage? 
“Don’t think this deeper just let everything out of your mind and focus on our little cub.” The feeling and joy of knowing that I am pregnant is the most remarkable feeling I cannot explain.