Heartless

Summertime Sadness

Shallow shallow that's what they first said, would they have ever thought what was in his head?

I remember when I first saw him, 2012 and I was 17 years old. He was walking around in the tuition centre which my friend and I were both registered in. He was tall like around 178cm, he looked quite lean and he had beautiful eyes which were dark with mysteries. Hidden ones which had me wondering about it for years. He wore a black t-shirt with blue jeans that night.

The boys in the centre did not like him so much, they would gently push my head to the side whenever I saw him, they would say that he was a shallow, stuck up boy who was just showing off since his family owned that centre. I learned that he was one of the owner's sons who helped out whenever he could after school. I assumed he was a year older than me. I remember how excited I was to go to that tuition centre hoping that I would see him even if it was just for a minute.

I wasn't so sure how much he actually noticed my existence until I turned 20 years old. He followed me on Instagram and we started talking for days. He came over to my place in Cyberjaya as he lived there as well. I was so excited the first time he came over, he was pretty quiet when we hung out, he would run his fingers through his hair every few seconds, we had some drinks and had a good time together. He would send messages every few weeks, he would come over and it was a never ending cycle at that point. Plus, I found out that my course mates were his housemates. I never asked anything about him as I knew I shouldn't, somehow the universe made them talk and I would casually hear them out learning new things about him. Even they thought that he was mysterious, he was quiet. He had so much hidden inside of him. Probably I was dreaming to be like Tessa from the After movies, the girl who fixes a broken dude. Ha.

I liked how I finally got what I always wanted especially when I was 17 - him.
You have no idea how happy I was then.

That came to an end when he started distancing himself slowly. He would call around 3am once in a while. I pushed myself forward and Cyberjaya was helpful with it, there were many interesting guys around but deep down he was the one I wanted still.

After almost 6 to 8 months around 4.30am, he called me out of the blue, I deleted his contact from my phone months ago but when I saw the number displayed I knew it was him. I picked up and he told me to come over to his place. He wanted to chill for a bit together and we all know what that means. It was impossible since I was home in Seremban sleeping and he was in Cyber. He insisted that he would come and pick me up, he gave me time to get ready and I did. 5.30am he picked me up and we went back to his place, I was so sleepy, we laid down and talked for a bit. I liked being around him and I loved how nice his perfume was.

As he pushed himself closer to me I realised that I was slowly falling in love. With him or the happiness of getting what I wanted after months and years, I will never know. We both knew somehow that we had to stop whatever we were doing, we will after one last time of finally being close together.

That was the last day I heard from him. I never saw him since then.

A few years passed by and his younger brother started talking to me, I was fearful if he found out but it was in the past.
We've all moved on from it right?

16/10/22 Sunday, as I was having my thosai
sitting in front of my mother in a restaurant after church, I turned to my right as I heard people talking quite loudly. I saw him. He wore a black t-shirt with knee length blue jeans and a black cap. I was breathless for a second, he was looking at the ground listening to his mother talk. I quickly turned and lowered my head as they walked behind me.
It brought back memories so much of memories.

It had my heart twisted for a second thinking how much I wanted him, I wanted him to call me. I wanted him to just text me. One thing is quite blurry to me, I do not know if I texted him one night in 2015 saying that I liked him so much. If I didn't, I wish I did.

I do miss having him around.
I wonder now what did he think about me?
How can I find out If I wanted to know.
I wonder now was I in love with him?
A piece of my teenage years. He was like the guy every teenager had a crush on back then.

That's the thing.... Back then....
Everything's buried in the past.