Heartless

Not Today

Fighter fighter the world has seen , now was he ever mean to me?

He was someone who came up in a very tough way I would say, he worked really hard to come up in the MMA world, it was the only world he ever had and it was the only one he will ever live in. He was busy every day and nights practicing in the gym, it was his personal gym at home yet somehow he took the time off to have conversations with me. He looked very tough, muscular and some would say quite scary looking, his eyes seem to be dark with range all the time. He was quite the opposite in texts though, he was polite and kind. He had a softer side to him. He liked the attention and care he received, he enjoyed being indoors with his dogs, I guess he loved the peace he got outside of the ring. I admired that. Once a again, I've met a man with ambitions. I knew him for years really, probably since 2014 but only bits and pieces of him I managed to observe from afar.

I knew him before he got into a serious relationship. We spoke for quite some time, he has asked me out but I never took that step to actually make it happen. I always thought that I was out of his league, he could get any girl really if he wanted to, that is what I thought. He always tried to convince me otherwise, he would give out compliments, it sounded so genuine, he was not trying to go an extra mile to get into my pants. He was supportive, I could do my school work and talk to him feeling relaxed after a long day. He would listen to my stories about my students and I would listen to his stories too. It was balanced out. I was that stubborn I never bothered to listen to him, I kept thinking that he deserved someone better than me until one day he posted about how he got into a relationship. I was quite happy for him, she was nice, she seemed friendly in front of the camera, she took care of his dogs and brought him home safely after matches. This went on for like 5 years if I am not mistaken. I enjoyed watching them together although he kept it low. He really did go for her heart like he said he would. He was a man of his word, if he said he would do it then he would.

I would be stupid if I didn't say I would want to be her, yes deep down it was hard to admit it. I did want to be her. I wanted to bring his dogs out for a walk and take care of him while he worked hard in the rings. Many said it was my fault for not stepping it up when I had the chance, I was starting to realize that. I tried to put in the effort with the guys I've been talking to after that. We would have conversations about it at times randomly, he would laugh about it and I remember him trying to drop off tips and advice on how to get the dudes. This went on for quite a bit too.

Isn't it frustrating to actually hear dating tips from someone you would like to date? Even that sounded tricky really.

Then one fine day, he texted me saying we should go out on a date. Lunch where we could sit and talk about us. That is when I found out he broke up with his girlfriend, knowing him, he always goes for a serious relationship, his relationships were just as important as his career. He gave it both the attention and love it needed. I was excited really to go out on a date with him, he would talk about how it would be if we got into a relationship, I started to imagine all the things I could do for him, receive him at home after matches, massage his feet if it hurts, make tea for him when he needed it, watch him practice, make sure he rests, so many things in my head about it that I loved. I knew he would get along with my family members, he was so opened to many things, it seemed like he went with the flow, a perfect flow, he was everything in a package. Any girl would be lucky to have a man like him, someone who takes care of them. We spoke for a couple of weeks, he tried to ask me out every day but once again I kept saying 'next weekend ok' and it started to sound like an excuse. All the things that I wanted I was starting to push it aside, was I lazy, was I scared? Was I too invested in my work?

I tried texting him after a few days of planning our date, I rarely got an answer from him. It did not seem so weird because I assumed he was busy practicing so I pushed it aside. On a lovely Saturday I texted him if he wanted to go and grab lunch with me after work. His answer was "Carol damn it, you're too slow, I am seeing someone now."

I do not know how I felt about it then, coming to think of it, it felt like a slap on my face. All I remember was turning off my phone in the train and heading back home quietly trying to process what had just happened. I never spoke to him ever since. He tried reaching out to me once but I blocked it out.  A part of me knew this was somehow my fault, it was hard to come face to face with it. Was I too slow in making a move? Maybe I chickened out?

I wonder how is he now, I remember watching his matches here and there, a part of me wants to drop him a text to ask on how he's doing but it has been almost 3 years now since we last spoke. Maybe he has forgotten about my existence but I have so many questions in my head probably better if it was left unanswered anyways.

Sometimes we got to fight for what we really want, like he does in the ring.