A image can cover so much pain (oasis/Liam Gallagher)

Brothers, Talk Tonight

Noel arrived at bonehead's house and knocked at the door, eventually he answered.
"What the fuck Noel it's half three in the morning"
"Is it? Sorry. Can I come in? It's important"
Bonehead stepped aside, he walked to the kitchen, got some cans and sat down. Noel dropped his coat down, sat down and took a drink. Bonehead looked at him.
"well what's so fucking important it couldn't wait? It better be good mind I'm tired"
"It's Liam, I think there's something wrong. Dave told me he was in hospital cos he fell and hit his head, but Dave took clothes and shit do obviously he's being kept in and when I followed Dave to see where in the hospital he was it turned out he's on a mental health ward"
Bonehead started to laugh
"Come on Liam probably asked to be on that ward when they said they were keeping him in. He probably thought watching the nutcases would be fun and that he could probably cheer them up. He's probably had them singing karaoke and standing on the tables. He'll be chatting the nurses up and getting on their nerves they'll have kicked him out by lunch time"
"Aye I know your probably right, I hope you're right. I don't know something just doesn't feel right. I don't believe in any of that I can feel my brothers pain bullshit but I don't know I think something is wrong, Liam's been cracked on the head loads, he's fell over drunk loads and god only knows what else but he's never been kept in hospital, the couple of times they've tried he's always been like fuck that and walked out. So this time seems different, but I can't exactly go and see him cos me doing that would be weird I mean can you imagine me sitting next to his hospital bed talking to him, it would be strange as fuck, not really a normal thing for us that. I mean he'd have to be fucking dying, like few hours to live type thing but he'd probably still ask what the fuck I was doing and we'd end up fighting"
"Well I guess you just gotta wait and see if he say's anything to you or if Dave tells you anything which I'm assuming if it was serious he would"
Noel leaned back and sighed, he was tired. Bonehead got him a blanket and told him to get some sleep and went back to bed. Noel lay down maybe he was overreacting and Liam was just being a dick like usual.
Liam had slipped Chris his number and address before he left, maybe he could help him see there was more to life than hospital wards. Dave picked him up and drove straight back to Liam's place he took him inside and dropped his bags.
"I've cleaned up, got some food in, there's a hundred boxes of cigarettes I picked up for you so you don't need to go to the shop for them, there's cans in the fridge and I've fixed or replaced the broken stuff. I'm gonna stick the phone numbers you need to the fridge and stick your medication in the bedroom. Also I'm staying here for the next week"
Liam rolled his eyes
"God no, I need some peace and quiet, I want to be on my own I'm sick of being around people I want my privacy please just fuck off"
He walked over and flopped down on the settee, began to feel around for the remote and couldn't find it, so threw some cushions on the floor.
"Where the fuck is the remote? He shouted
"It's on the coffee table, a sensible place to put it so it doesn't get lost"
"Well I find it better when it's on the seat"
Liam had obviously gone into a bad mood, Dave hoped the medication would help with his mood swings just today he'd been happy leaving the hospital, depressed in the car now angry, Dave didn't want to leave him alone, he was scared too but Liam being in this mood meant he would be risking a big argument and probably a punch in the face if he stayed and that could make things worse. So after thinking for a bit he thought of a compromise that he hoped would work
"Ok I'll leave you but will you phone me later on and before you go to bed so I don't worry"
Without moving and still flitting through the channels Liam answered
"Fine, whatever. Pass me a can before you go"
Dave passed Liam a can and left.
Liam couldn't be bothered to move he was tired, depressed and angry. Even though he'd put the tv on he didn't want to watch it, he didn't know what he wanted to do or if he really wanted to do anything all he knew is that he wanted to be left alone. He got up and went for a shower, maybe that would make him feel more alive. After about ten minutes he realised it wasn't making any difference so throwing a towel on he went back to sit down. He heard a knock at the door, Dave was asking for a punch in the face coming back now.
"I told you to fuck off and leave me alone"
He looked, it wasn't Dave that was standing there it was Amy. Amy lived in Liam's building, she had also moved down from Manchester for work, they'd met by accident one day in the garden and began talking it turned out she grew up four streets away from him, sometimes when they felt homesick they would knock on each other.
"Oh I'm sorry I thought you were someone else, come on in there's cans in the fridge"
"It's ok. I'll see you another time if you wanna be on your own don't worry about it"
"No it's fine it's just Dave I can't be bothered with you know him just telling me what to do, hovering around and stuff it gets annoying"
She walked in, got a can and sat down, then started laughing and smiling.
"What's so funny?
"You do realise your only wearing a towel"
"Well it is my house I'm allowed to be comfortable" he laughed
"Do you want me to put something on?"
"Up to you it doesn't bother me"
Liam decided to just sit down for a bit, let himself dry off a bit. They sat chatting about Manchester, how it took so much work to get out of the rut, how much they missed home and how things have changed. Liam liked the distraction.
They were soon drunk and Liam felt so happy, all memories of the hospital were gone, he was just smiling and laughing. Amy was doing the same, her smile so innocent, Liam loved it. It felt like they'd known each other for years. He looked over at her sitting beside him before he knew what was happening they were kissing and in that moment everything disappeared out of his mind for the first time in days is brain wasn't going at a million miles an hour, he wasn't thinking in circles he was just in the moment, it didn't take long for her clothes and his towel to be discarded on the floor and her legs to be wrapped around him, it was like they couldn't get enough of each other, like the needed to be part of each other, it was hard, hot sex that it seemed they both needed. When Liam rolled off her he fell onto the floor, they both started laughing, Amy even more when Liam tried to convince her that was his plan all along. She pulled the blanket from the back of the settee, it was big enough to cover both of them. As she laughed and talked Liam looked at the ceiling, suddenly everything flooded back, he noticed the glow in the dark stars Kelly had stuck up there as a joke and guilt joined the depression.
"Damn is that the time, I've got a radio interview in a hour and I promised I'd meet Noel half hour before"
He jumped up and began collecting up her clothes, passing them too her as he picked up some tracksuit pants up off the chair. She looked at him shocked and began to pull on her clothes
"Sorry to rush you but Noel will kill me if I'm late I'll knock on you tomorrow"
He began to usher her out of the door
"Oh ok em I'll see you tomorrow then"
He shut the door. He didn't have a interview and had no intention of knocking. He knew he'd ruined another friendship, he'd screwed up again. Why did he keep doing this. His depression was starting to hit hard, he'd just proved he wasn't good enough for Kelly and managed to screw up every friendship he had. He picked up the phone.
"Hello, Gallagher household Meg speaking"
"Meg it's Liam can I speak to Noel?"
He heard her shout in the background
"Noel it's your brother he wants you"
Noel took the phone
"What do you want?"
"Will you come over later, have a beer, the city match is on thought we could watch it"
Noel wanted to go, he wanted to find out what was going on with Liam. Even after his chat with bonehead he was still worried but he couldn't sound to enthusiastic, to interested.
"What you being nice for you cunt? Maybe I will maybe I won't depends on my mood"
"Can I not just invite my brother over to watch the game like."
"Fine I'll come see ya bout half hour before kick off"
"Right talk tonight"
Liam hung up. Noel thought it was strange Liam saying talk tonight instead of his usual see ya maybe Liam was gonna tell him what was going on which was going to be strange as fuck cos they never really properly talked not about serious, personal shit Noel was a bit worried how the whole thing would go but it had to be serious if Liam was saying he wanted to talk, well in a roundabout way.
Liam decided to tidy up a bit, hide any evidence of his little dalliance and anything else dodgy if he was going to tell Noel everything he didn't want Noel having a go at him for other shit.
He was sitting watching the match build up when Noel knocked he let him in and handed him a drink, they sat in silence until Noel spoke
"So Dave told me you banged your head and had to go to the hospital, stupid idiot good job you ain't got a brain to damage"
Liam was glad Noel had started the conversation as he hadn't had any idea how to do it.
"Aye I got a bit drunk and knocked myself out on the table, the scan showed I have a brain so you can fuck off with all that shit"
"You actually knocked yourself out my god your a complete idiot. Did they keep you in? I popped round to remind you about a interview and Dave said you'd just went up so I called day after and couldn't get a answer"
"They wanted to monitor me for concussion"
Telling Noel the truth wasn't going so well, Liam couldn't help sticking to the line Dave had decided on. Kick off was in fifteen minutes and Liam had hoped to get this over with before then. They sat in silence again until after kick off.
Noel looked at his brother, he looked sad which was strange, Liam was never normally like that he decided to just ask him.
"Liam what's wrong? Your not yourself something is up I can tell"
Liam lit a cigarette and looked at the floor
"I think I've got a problem, sometimes everything is great but other times I feel so depressed and empty. My brain jumps around everywhere"
"You've always been all over the place but happy, you always seem like you're enjoying yourself"
Liam realised he had to just tell him the worst of it or he wouldn't understand so he decided to just say it, be direct
"For fuck sake Noel I tried to kill my self and it wasn't the first time, I've seen a therapist it's not really working I was told that telling you was important don't laugh at me"
Noel couldn't believe what he was hearing, was Liam winding him up, if he was being truthful what on earth could he do. He sat there he didn't know what to say, what could he say.
"Well say something"
"I'm sorry, I don't know what to do or say"
"To be honest I don't know what I want you to say or do. I just know I need help"
Noel really didn't know how to answer him, the whole situation was strange, he watched the ball being kicked around on the tv, he wished city would score it would relieve the awkwardness of the moment. Liam looked at Noel all he was doing was watching the match obviously not interested in what he was saying it had been pointless even saying anything.
"Look Noel just forget I said anything, the drink and drugs mess with my mind, it's not important I'll be fine I just need to have some chill time"
Noel didn't believe him and didn't want to forget it but what was he going to say, he needed time to process what Liam had said.
"Forgotten already. Maybe take a break from the drugs. Anyway let's watch the game"
They spent the rest of the time drinking and swearing at the tv, it was still a draw five minutes before full time, then after a brilliant run from inside their own half city put the ball in the top corner of the net. Liam and Noel jumped up, began hugging each other and singing different football songs completely out of tune but they didn't care this win put city at the top. After another hour of celebration drinks Noel looked at his watch.
"Sorry rkid I gotta head off Meg will kill me if I'm too late I promised to watch a film with her"
"Mr I'm the big chief has to run home so his girlfriend doesn't tell him off, bit under the thumb there bro"
"It's called let her think she's the boss when she actually isn't I'm the real boss in my house"
They both laughed, Noel put his coat on and headed out, he wasn't really watching a film with Meg he just wanted to go for a walk to process what Liam had said and what to do about it.
Liam sat down he didn't know how to feel, he wasn't even sure if he felt anything at all. Noel was probably on his way home to laugh about the whole thing with Meg who would probably love the chance to get in some sly digs at him, Liam got another drink and his phone rang
"Dave I don't feel like talking right now"
"Liam it's Louise, Noel called me, was a bit of a shock to be honest we haven't spoke in a long time but he asked me to call you."
"Oh ok, nice to hear from you"
Liam was pretty confused as to why Noel was asking his ex girlfriend to ring him.
"Noel told me what you said to him he thought I could help. When I was younger I had issues, I spent time in a hospital but I got through it, I got the right medication and the right help I have a good life"
"I didn't know that, Noel never said though I guess he wouldn't due to our relationship, my attitude, my age etc and I'm sorry"
"I'm gonna come round, you can tell me what's going on and I'll see if I can help"
She hung up before Liam could argue but he guessed that was the point. He wasn't sure what to do, talking to his brother's ex girlfriend didn't seem like a good idea, he didn't feel comfortable with it but obviously if Noel had called her then he didn't mind but still it felt strange. He was getting so confused by the whole thing he threw a bottle off the wall in frustration, got up, got another one, sat down and lit a cigarette. He jumped up when the knock on the door came.
"Hi Louise, there's beer in the fridge or I could make you a tea, coffee? There might be orange juice too, I'm not sure what Dave got in"
"A beer will be fine, nice little place you got. It's crazy I've watched you grow up from the annoying teenage little brother too a adult with your own place obviously I say adult in the loosest of terms" she laughed
They sat down and Liam offered her a cigarette
"Thanks, where's your ashtray?"
"It should be on the table, I've been using it"
Liam suddenly became aware that he'd been just flicking the ash in a pile, he looked around where the fuck had he been stubbing them out. Louise moved to sit next to him and took his arm.
"Liam your arm is not a ashtray"
He looked down and realised he'd been stubbing them out on his arm and hadn't noticed as he'd been so anxious. He quickly got up, pulled a shirt on and fetched a ashtray from the bedroom.
"You don't have to hide it from me, look"
She took her shirt off to reveal the strappy top she was wearing and held out her arms. Liam had never noticed before but there was scars and burn marks all down them, he probably hadn't noticed because he'd never looked.
"I'm just, well I don't know really normally people put my marks down to fighting, smashing things up, falling over while drunk that sort of thing so I don't get asked questions. Maybe I tried to hide it because you knew what it was and pointed it out"
Louise smiled at him and put her arm around him suddenly Liam just began to cry, he tried to stop, he shouldn't cry it's not something he did but he just couldn't stop, Louise hugged him and it felt like she was hugging a young boy, a frightened kid. She had always known that beneath his hard, arrogant, confident exterior was a sensitive, kind, un confident, kid.
"It's ok Liam I know it's hard I'm here"
"I get so tired trying to keep up the image on the days I don't feel like it, sometimes I do feel like it and everything is great then other days I just wanna die. My head jumps around so much. I feel empty, like I'm not there. Then I have the crazy day's the days when I'm the way everyone expects me to be. I don't know who I am"
He couldn't believe he'd just blurted it all out
"I tried to tell Noel, I didn't want to but everyone told me too. Now I don't know what he thinks"
He sat up, wiped his face with his shirt and picked up a drink.
"Noel called me he explained what he could. He doesn't understand, he didn't with me, it scares him. The only thing He could think of was to call me to help, he cares about you. He loves you"
Liam stood up and went to get another drink he still didn't know what to do, did this mean Noel didn't want to hear another word about it.
"So Noel doesn't want to hear about it? I'm not sure how to talk to him"
"Just be the same as you always are when Noel is ready he'll talk to you until then talk to me"
"Ok I'll just be me I guess"
"Now tell me what's happened over the last few days and we'll see what we can do"
Liam sighed he didn't really know where to start.
"Well Kelly went on holiday, I started getting depressed and felt abandoned which is stupid I know then I just started thinking about everything in a negative way so I started drinking, doing coke and I got really angry. I was sitting at the kitchen table, I'd been cutting then I passed out and hit my head on the table, Dave found me and got me to hospital. In the hospital I got bored and left the ward with another guy and went to the pub eventually the police took us back, I got to come home then I had sex with a girl who lives down the hall, I cheated on Kelly"
Louise looked at him, he looked so sad
"So it was kind of a breakdown then a breakout" she laughed and Liam smiled
"Did the mental health team speak to you?"
"Aye they asked loads of questions, said I needed to see a therapist which they are gonna arrange, I have to go into the hospital once a month, phone in weekly and told me to talk to Noel"
"Ok well hopefully it won't be long till they get you a therapist really they should have said to wait to tell Noel until after you spoke to the therapist but never mind, tell me as soon as you get the appointment"
"What should I do about me cheating on Kelly?"
"That's up to you, if u know it's a one off maybe don't tell her but if you think you'll do it again then talk to her. I'm guessing she knows your reputation and stuff "
"I think I'll leave it then. She does know my reputation"
"Now how do you feel? Do you want me to stay and talk a bit longer or shall I pop back tomorrow? Give you time to think"
"I would like to be alone, I need time to think"
Louise finished her drink and grabbed her coat. She walked over to Liam gave him a hug.
"You'll be ok I promise. See you tomorrow"
And left leaving Liam alone at last.
Noel had been walking for nearly two hours, when he arrived home he let himself in to find the house quiet for a change. Meg came out of the living room as he was hanging his coat up
"Where have you been? The match finished ages ago"
"I needed some fresh air so I took a slow walk back from Liam's"
"Well everyone's gone so it's just me and you"
Noel followed her back into the living room and sat down, he was so tired. He hoped Louise could make sense of what Liam had said, calling her was the only thing he could think of doing.
"So did you and Liam end up arguing as usual?"
"No we didn't. We had a few drinks, watched the match and had a good time"
"So he wasn't being a idiot that's unusual for him, he's usually a complete twat, maybe the knock on the head has knocked some sense into him"
Noel looked, the reference to the knock on the head made him think about everything else. He should have known Meg would talk about Liam like that, she didn't like him they had never got on, he remembered someone telling him it could be that they both wanted his attention so saw each other as a threat it made Noel laugh at the time but now he thought maybe it's right.
Liam sat there overthinking, about Noel, about Louise, about what he'd done to Kelly, about how stupid he felt, he got angry and depressed. It was like nothing Louise said had sunk in, nothing the hospital said had registered, he felt like he wasn't even there. At least feeling angry meant he didn't feel empty. He went through his bag to find the medication the hospital had given him, he found the antidepressants and looked at the instructions 'take one tablet in the morning and one tablet at night' Ok he thought well if that's to keep me right on a normal day and taking them daily maybe taking two morning and night or taking one three or four times a day would be helpful when he was really bad. So he opened the bottle and took two with the hope it would make him feel better. He sat in silence for the next hour, he didn't feel any better. He didn't want to ring Noel, Louise had just left so he couldn't ring her, Dave deserved a break from Liam's shit so all he had was himself which could end up being bad. So he decided it might be a good idea to just go to bed, try to get some sleep, he was looking forward to sleeping in his own bed. He kept a childhood teddy bear hidden under his bed for times he felt really alone, homesick and depressed, it helped him feel safe. It was a dark brown dog called ted that his mam got him when he was three to help him with nightmares and fear of the dark, the idea was to make him feel safe and it worked so he'd made sure he brought it when he moved. He got ted out and sat him on the bed and began sorting himself out for bed, he took a sleeping pill the hospital had gave him, lay down, got ted in his arms and closed his eyes.
Liam woke up and looked at the clock it was ten am, he'd had a good sleep obviously the pills did their job. Suddenly he noticed the smell of coffee, who would be in his flat making coffee. Dave would have come into the bedroom and woke him up, Noel would just never do it, he couldn't think of anyone else who had a key. He got up and walked too the kitchen.
"Morning babe, I'm just making coffee you want one? I've got some toast in to if you want some"
Shit he'd forgot Kelly was coming home today
"Coffee will do. Sorry I didn't pick you up at the airport, I slept in my alarm must be broke"
She looked at him and laughed
"You forgot didn't you? It's ok you've got a lot going on with the band and other issues"
She handed him a cup of coffee and he sat at the kitchen table, Kelly joined him. She had a beautiful tan, her hair looked perfect, wearing a strappy lilac top with a green shirt and light blue pedal pushers, she looked too good to have just spent hours on a plane and waiting in airports. She looked so happy, a massive smile on her face, he hated to think what he must look like, hair a state, bags under his eyes, a stone roses long sleeve top full of holes and some tatty pj bottoms.
"Did you have a good holiday?"
"It was great. Nice to spend time with the girls, you'll have to meet them. We went shopping, did some sunbathing, went to the beach, saw the sights and had some beautiful food, the restaurant's were beautiful. You could have told me you upgraded us, you didn't have too"
"I thought it would be a nice surprise"
"Oh it was nice, the better rooms were amazing and we felt very posh in first class"
She laughed and smiled, he hid that he was sad
"How were you while I was away?"
"Oh you know the usual, band stuff, arguing with Noel, I got a bit too drunk and banged my head which was funny to everyone, I got it checked the hospital gave me the ok. Apart from that not really done much, oh I watched the city game with Noel and we didn't argue surprise there"
Kelly realised he obviously wasn't gonna tell her the truth about the hospital situation at the moment but hoped he would do it at some point, she hadn't expected it straight away but had hoped in a small way he would've done. Her only choice now was to wait and if it got too long then she would tell him Dave had told her. Liam put some better clothes on and put the tv on, the left it on in the background while she told him about her holiday in more detail, he actually felt a bit jealous he hadn't had a proper holiday in years. He'd been abroad and had fun but it was always about oasis. Gigs, tv and radio stuff, festival's and stuff so although he could have a drink, nice food and go shopping he still had to do the gigs and interview's, he still had a timetable he couldn't just randomly go and lie on the beach, see the sights he couldn't fully relax.
"We made this deal no talk of work or boyfriend's, we decided the holiday was just gonna be about us having fun, seeing the place, shopping and relaxing. No stress etc we decided to leave that shit at home. Obviously when we found out we'd been upgraded I had to tell them about you but that was allowed"
She began to giggle like a little girl
"You should have seen their faces when they were trying to work out who mr Gallagher was"
"How did you explain that one?"
"Just told them the truth or the would have just kept bugging me about it, no way they'd have let it go plus I trust them so it's fine"
"What did they say?"
"You know the usual oh my god are you serious etc then they said great as long as your happy"
"That's cool, as long as they were cool about it"
"I'd like you to meet them, they are my best friends, their important to me"
"I'd like that but it be best if it's when I'm in a social mood and not in the middle of band stuff "
She smiled and nodded. They spent a few hours watching tv until Kelly decided she was gonna cook them some food
"I'm not sure what I've got in, Dave did some shopping but I've not got a clue what he got"
"It's ok I picked some stuff up on the way here so I've got everything I need. You just relax I've got this all under control"
"You sure you don't want any help?"
"I'm fine, you just relax, I'll let you know when it's ready"
She wondered off into the kitchen leaving Liam sitting on the settee, he lit a cigarette and stared at the wall. It was sweet she wanted to cook for him and that she had picked up what she needed but it seemed strange, he wasn't used to people cooking him meals unless it was a restaurant, showbiz thing, room service or stuff provided on tour. In his own house it was strange, the kitchen would probably get a shock too as all it was used for was toast, ready meals, snacks and microwave stuff. Luckily his mum had got him a full set of pans, oven trays and tins, full set of cooking utensils and a dinner set when he moved away. He closed his eyes and leaned back, he was tired, he felt like going to sleep, he began to doze off. He was shocked awake by a knock on the door, he got up and opened it to find Louise there.
"Hi Liam, can I come in?"
He stepped aside letting her in
"Hi, em Kelly's back from holiday, she's in the kitchen making food. I totally forgot she was back today, maybe me and you could talk later "
"Oh right of course, I should have called. Tell her I said hi. Me and you will talk soon. See you"
Liam shut the door just as Kelly popped her head out of the kitchen door
"Was that someone at the door?"
"Was just Noel's ex Louise, she was in the area and thought she'd say hi but she didn't want to get in our way so said she'd call later to see when I'm free for a drink and a catch up"
"Oh right, must be strange talking to her. Anyway food's ready so let's eat"
They sat down it was nice to sit down to a good, full meal it reminded him of home. Afterwards they sat on the settee and watched a film, just a nice relaxing time. Then the phone rang.
"Hello, Liam here"
"Liam it's Noel, I hope you had a chance to talk to Louise I was a bit confused after what you said and the only thing I could think of doing was calling Louise, I've had a chat to her too, she explained a few things. So I was thinking you and me could have a talk tomorrow if you want too?"
"I spoke to her. Aye maybe a talk would be good you gonna come over?"
"Aye probably better you know what Meg's like so I'll head over about half one"
"Ok see you then, I'll get some beer's in"
Liam hung up and fear flooded through him, he started to pace around.
"Babe what's up? Who was that?"
"Was just Noel he wants to come over tomorrow, I've probably done something wrong" he tried to laugh but it came out as a nervous laugh.
"Why you worried? I thought it was normal Noel giving you a hard time about something"
"It is, it's just normally he leaves it till we next see each other or just storm's in. He never phone's me to say he's coming over, not randomly anyway look don't worry about it honestly it's probably nothing important I just had a moment of the shit my big brother is gonna tell me off it's a little brother thing"
She smiled at him and laughed.
I'll be outta your hair anyway I'm back to work tomorrow so I'll be heading home soon"
Thank god Liam thought he would have felt bad making her leave and he wouldn't have been able to talk to Noel with her there. After a while Kelly went and washed the dishes and tidied the kitchen, coming back through she got her coat and bag ready.
"I'm off now, I'm on the day shift, I finish at nine so I'll give you a call when I get home. Get some sleep you look tired. Speak tomorrow. Love you"
"Hope work goes good, speak tomorrow. Love you, bye"
He blew her a kiss as she walked out of the door.
He felt guilty cos he was glad she was gone but he had so much to do before Noel came over. He needed to tidy up, hoover, find some clean clothes. He also had to run through what he was going to say, think about what Noel might ask and say, how deep was the conversation gonna, what Louise had said to Noel, what he had said to her. There was a million things running around his head, it was giving him a headache. He also needed to get some sleep or he wouldn't have the energy for anything, he might get snappy, get pissed off easy and be in a bad mood. So he headed to bed, set his alarm for nine which should give him time to do everything, he took two sleeping pills, stripped to his boxers and got into bed.