Ardent ; h.s.

033

I am going to be honest here...I am starting to write the last chapter of ardent.
please enjoy this one.

TWO WEEKS LATER.

HARRY IS IN THE U.S.

Robin

LOCATION: NEW YORK, NY

DESTINATION: N/A.

Distance. We've both been distant from each other, i always knew he was hard to reach, but never for me. Not once. The less he talked to me, I felt myself slowly detaching from him. I was basically pouring myself into nothing, I then realized what was the point.

I traveled small parts of the world, left the hospital temporarily, adding fuel to the fire with someone I actually fell for. All for nothing. All for me to end up staying in New York and back in my apartment, no fire to keep me warm.

My head filled with thoughts thinking it had been my own fault that I didn't go back on tour again, but it's not my fault. I called and texted, and I was given back little to nothing. It's his fault.

If he wants to keep secrets and immediately fill the void of me with Camille, so be it. By the looks of it, I didn't seem his type anyways.

Heath Ledger on the tv will never leave me.

And oh yeah, I saw the pictures. The amount of dissociating I did while eating my comfort foods is probably unhealthy despite how queasy I felt the first two days of it all. Work has been the only reason I have left my apartment as of recent, being constantly bombarded with paperwork and long nights distracts me from giving myself the time to spiral.

Mitch has called me everyday, the first few times in explanation, and even though my heart believed him, my head needed the words from Harry. I just wasn't getting that.

It hurts yeah, my home yearning for his presence. From childhood I never believed in permanence, and yet I had longed for it.

Situations like these just another reason for me to stop believing in things.

The other day I went with Timothee to get my dress fitted and find shoes to pick out, my mind only flitting to Harry in the process. I'm hurting and I miss him, but I'll never know if he feels the same for me. Not anymore.

Jeff has left incessant calls to me and Violet. They're together, but not exactly on the best speaking terms, he's sent gifts that Violet accepts and wears, but she definitely has not hidden telling him off a couple times, especially in my apartment, Roxy following at my feet.

Easy to say Roxy isn't the most delighted with Harry either. I think she can tell or Ernie trained her that way. She also peed on one of his hoodies, which I found funny, but also quickly through in with a load of laundry. On days I'm not working, Roxy is everywhere with me, and although I'm happy with her and myself, there's one part of ourselves missing.

Harry. Harry. Harry.

Even when I want to slam a door in his face, he is all my thoughts come back around too. Today just feels harder than most, I lay on the couch, Roxy by my feet, my breaths have felt labored all morning and I can feel everything building up, everything being all the other problems in my life, Harry just attaching to them.

And to think, I kept my head spiraling the week Harry left with the thoughts that I could love him. Actually love him. Ernie had this whole talk with me when I visited him at the hospital the other day.

"Birdie", he coughed, the breathing tube under his nose sliding down his face. I gently adjusted the tubes where they connected at his jaw, tightening it around his face enough. He gave me a thumbs up to tell me it was comfortable.