I See Colors | Taegi

sixty-two

   The night sky is
   much more beautiful at this angle
   than it has ever been
   throughout my entire life.

   The stars look as though they're in layers,
   multiple glowing brighter than others
   due to being closer to the Earth.
   I can even spot
   some of the different colors
   of each star.

   My amazement
   turns into a frown
   as I look at Yoongi
   gazing up at the stars as well
   and taking deep breaths,
   cherishing the fresh air.

   "This must not be interesting to you."

   Yoongi looks back at me
   with minor bewilderment.
   "What do you mean?"

   "I don't want to sound rude,
   but wouldn't seeing nothing but
   white dots on a black background
   be boring to you?"

   Once he hears that,
   Yoongi lets out a laugh.

   "In any other scenario, yes.
   But I see this as
   the perfect place to be."

   I keep looking at him
   and he keeps looking at me.
   Sort of like
   that staring contest we had a month ago.

   But it's also different,
   because it isn't a contest this time.
   It's just him
   choosing to stare at me
   and me
   choosing to stare at him.

   Yoongi lets out another laugh,
   which makes me blink.

   "I have so much to tell you, Tae.
   But, I'm going to have to sum it up
   so that it doesn't ruin the moment too much."

   Yoongi sighs
   and I catch myself
   glancing at his lips.

   "You're so special to me.
   So...important.
   I don't know how to say this..."
   He chuckles again.

   I stay still
   and wait for Yoongi to tell me himself
   like he would for me.

   "I know it hasn't been that long,
   and that I really should've waited a bit longer,
   but this kind of opportunity
   just jumped out to me."

   "You don't have to accept.
   We can always continue as friends
   if you would prefer that,"

   I notice
   that Yoongi's look doesn't faulter at that possibility,
   like he wouldn't feel any different
   if I refused what he's offering.

   "but basically,
   I like you, Tae.
   And...
   I want us to continue life together
   hopefully with a stronger relationship
   than friendship."

   When he sees that I'm not answering
   he nods,
   understanding something.

   "I know it's not normal,
   but what do expect from
   a boy with monochromacy
   and a boy with synesthesia?"

   I let out a laugh
   in hopes to help Yoongi to relax his muscles.

   He smiles again
   and my plan seems to work
   as I see his shoulders ease a little.

   "But really.
   We don't have to be affectionate in public
   if that makes you uncomfortable.
   You should at least have your family know
   if you do accept me,
   but we don't have to tell anyone else
   if that isn't what you want."

   I smile at him
   and hold his hand.
   "You don't need to say 'if'
   when it comes to me accepting you."

   The smile I see on his face then
   is enough to make
   all of the stars in the universe
   shine a little brighter.

   "Yes?"

   I give him a nod.
   "Forever, yes."

   Gently,
   I feel Yoongi's hand let go of mine
   to hold my cheek.

   "Is it okay
   if I kiss you?"

   My heart can be heard in my ears
   and I lick my lips.
   "I...
   I've never kissed someone before..."

   Yoongi lets out a hum
   that's mixed with quiet giggles.
   "It's okay.
   First kisses are always awkward anyways.
   Better to get it over with.
   Just...focus on yourself during it, okay?
   Let me know how you feel."

   I nod.
   "Okay.
   Uh... You can kiss me."

   Yoongi rubs my cheek with his thumb
   before slowly setting his lips onto mine.

   I have a second
   of internal panic,
   not knowing what to do,
   then I remember the advice
   Yoongi had given me.

   Focus on myself.

   I start to think about the way I'm
   lifting my hand up
   to hold onto Yoongi's shoulder.
   How it feels better
   to kiss back
   rather than just be kissed.

   Just as I get used to the feeling,
   Yoongi separates us
   and stares at me like
   I would stare at the sky.
   "...How was that?"

   I let out a laugh.
   "I'd say that the pressing against our lips' sensitive nerve endings
   gave my brain a burst of oxytocin and dopamine."

   Yoongi smiles.
   "Maybe one day
   you can add testosterone to that list."

   I can feel my face
   instantly go red
   while Yoongi laughs.
   "It hasn't even been an hour!"

   My comment doesn't matter much
   once I start laughing along.

   I don't think I have ever felt
   so much dopamine and serotonin
   around someone my age.