Yn stark- the girl with the scars

Part 9

It's been a week since mom died. It's her funeral today.
I wear a black dress with a long black leather coat and black knee high boots. It looks like this:

Dad knocks on my door.
"You ready?" He asks whilst walking in.
"I guess..." I say with a deep breath.
We leave and attend the church for the funeral service.
It's a beautiful service and lots of people fill the building but it just doesn't fell like mom. She would hate how we're all sad and dressed in black. She'd want us to still be happy. She'd want us to get on with our lives but that felt impossible.
Lots of people said kind words and it was now my turn to say something. I walk over to the stand and Steve gives me a small smile.
I begin.
"Um my mom she was my best friend even though we always argued... she tried her best even when she was at her worst. I don't think I've met anyone stronger then her. She was, no is the strongest person I know. She might be dead because of her decision in life and she might of made many bad choices but the good over runs the bad and at the end of the day she always tried to put a smile on other peoples faces, she always cared about others and in the end she cared about them more then herself... I love you mom and i'll miss you so so much" I notice the tears falling out my eyes, I wipe them away and almost run off the stage. Dad gives me a hug and then goes and says a few words.
"Anyone who knew caz knew what a great person she could be. She always tried her hardest but sometimes it just wasn't good enough... when she walked into a room she'd instantly say or do something to make you smile and now that she's gone it's like we'll never smile again, but she wouldn't want that. She'd want us to get on our with our lives as if she never died. The only problem with that is that she did die and-" I notice dads hand start to shake and then he walks out. I let out a sight. I love my dad but he's got an issue and that issue is when things get to much for him he won't finish it.
Steve, Nat and sam says stuff and then we go to the place of where she'll be buried. Luckily dad came back. I squeeze his hand as I watch my mothers coffin get laid into the ground.
I turn to my dad and start hugging him, crying into his chest.
"It's okay, you'll be alright, everything will be alright" he whispers while stroking my back.
I wish you were right dad, I really do...

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As soon as we get home I go upstairs and lock myself in my room. Steve asks if he can come in but I scream at him to go away.
I get changed into some grey short shorts and a cropped tank top. Then I go in my bathroom with my red puffy eyes, which still have tears in them, and go into the cupboard and grab the blade.
I cut my arm and more tears fall. For the first time ever the blade isn't making everything go silent.
And start cutting my thighs but my thoughts just get worse and worse. As the thoughts get worse so do the cuts. There's so much blood and I'm not even done. I can't go anywhere else on my thigh unless I want it to be really noticeable so I go back to my arm. I don't look notice where I'm cutting and just keep on cutting. One after another. I start to feel light headed and slowly lower myself to the floor. The once white bath mat is now stained red with blood. I decide to make one more cut and this one is on my wrist a cut super deep and then I start hearing banging on the door. I hear multiple voices and try to get up to answer the door but I'm too weak to move. I try to shout but my voice comes out as a whisper,
"I-I didn't mean to"
I feel strong arms around me and everything goes dark...