Yn stark- the girl with the scars

Part8

It's been 2 days since my mother has been dead.
It's a weird feeling knowing you only have one parent left. I miss her. I really do. I know that towards the end we didn't really get along but before that we were pretty close. No matter what mom is always gonna be my bestfriend no matter if she's dead or alive or i am...

Her funeral is in a couple days and I'm all honesty I have not been coping well at all. The cuts are getting deeper and it looks like tigers have been at my arm. I do my best to bandage them myself but I'm all honestly I have no idea what I'm doing. Everyone's worried about me, I think they've all noted a few blood stains on my clothes but the only people to say things is my dad or Nat... Clint is staying for a bit and he keeps trying to take my mind off things. It helped but as soon as what ever we were doing finishes, those feelings all rush back in. The truth is I love cutting. Yes I hate the way it looks. Yes I know it's dangerous. But I love it. I love the control. Having to push the blade to my skin and dragging it across my arms or thighs and then watch as blood pours out. As soon as I see the blood a sense of calm comes out of me. Everything around me stops and all my focus is on the blood. My mind is empty. I feel free.
But like they say all good things must come to an end and that's exactly what happens when people notice the cuts. The calm empty feeling I get from them turns into embarrassment and sadness. So is the truth I love cutting or this truth I love the feeling of cutting?

"Yn you in there?" A man says from behind my door. The man is Clint.
"Yeah, come in"
"So I was thinking do you maybe wanna learn some archery?" He asks with hope in his eyes.
"Um sure" I say trying to do my best to show enjoyment. Old me would of loved the idea of doing archery but new me? She hates it!
It's not really that she hates it, it's more like she doesn't want to do anything. She doesn't want to eat, she doesn't want to sleep, she doesn't want to get dressed, she doesn't want to hang out with her friends or family, she doesn't want anything.
Apart from two things...
1. To see her mother
And
2. To be dead

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me and Clint got to the training room and he set up a couple of target things. (I don't know what they're called)
He shows me how to do it and then passes me the bow.
I grab an arrow, put on the bow, like it up with the target board thing, and shoot.
I was prepared for it to land on the floor but...
"Omg yn you got a bullseye!!! Well done" clint says excitedly.
"Wait... what! That's so cool!" I reply with a huge grin.
We practice for like an hour and then I go back to my room.
I lock the door and the thoughts and feelings rush back in. I take a deep breath trying to stop the thoughts but they don't go away. There's only one way they'll go away so I do it...