The Mercy of Birds

CHAPTER 55: I LOVE YOU

CHAPTER 55
I LOVE YOU

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"All I can say is, Victor, you've been making tremendous progress since the first time you came here. Dr. Mantashe will be so proud of you."

By the time Victor had settled in South Dakota, he had appointed himself another psychiatrist by Dr. Mantashe's recommendation. Her name was Dr. Swiftwater and she reminded him closely of Dr. Singh who, unlike him, had relocated out of the state and resigned from her role as a chief doctor in Penrose State Hospital, while he had secured a job there as one of the primary care doctors after he completed his residency during the challenging times of his sister's eight years arrest, as per her hearty request for him to continue his life and education despite all the turmoil.

In Penrose, his position was greatly disputed due to a conflict of interest, but he had staunchly defended himself in front of a board of physicians in the American Medical Association that his intention was pure and ungoverned by any underhanded intentions. He took an oath that stated he didn't possess any resentment and prejudice that may predispose his work and ethic in handling patients, and after they subjected him to rigorous examination time and time again, two months ago, he finally found his effort fruitful as they granted him the permission, and he couldn't be more grateful.

Victor fiddled with the feather on his bracelet. He wasn't unsure or insecure, just frank and unguarded when he said, "I don't know, maybe I don't experience panic so often anymore because my work keeps me preoccupied."

Dr. Swiftwater tilted her head slightly as she inspected his nugatory motion, seeming to find meaning on it that he himself didn't intend to give any value to, but she wasn't smothering or overly critical, just attentive. "But you have to see it for what it is. You're literally working at the hospital for the mentally ill now. You said that the younger you would never dream of doing so. You have to give yourself some credit then, because it's an achievement in and out of itself."

"Yeah, I guess so. I also think that I will get a further fellowship on neuropsychiatry because it is what she wanted..." he trailed in remembrance of her. He couldn't lie, she was still so close, too close that someday he believed that she was really present in the moment with him even though he couldn't see her. He did call her a ghost, a specter, a revenant, but this time, he wanted her to be with him; her shadow, her feeling, her energy, her residue, whatever it was that still remained of her, he wanted to carry it with him everywhere.

He uncovered his sleeves and a ghost of a poignant smile graced his lips as he found the bracelet there and a new tattoo he drew for himself of a blossoming flower; the same one as her middle name on the inner part of his wrist where the scars used to be.

"Is that what you want too?"

He looked up at her in resoluteness, but there was also a dilemma. "Yes, it is, but I don't know if I can leave my brother. I don't want to leave him. What do you think?"

"Personally, I think it would be very kind of you to take care of him. It's the most appropriate thing for sure, but as a psychiatrist, I have to ask you, does the caretaker role be the one that you're willing to take up?" she asked him.

He nodded, his heart laden with deep conviction. "Yes, yes, I love him. He's the only one that I have left, well, aside from Nico, of course, but we don't know where he is right now, so..."

A small, encouraging smile appeared on her lips. "Then it is your decision to make. If I have to be honest, you're still young, anyway, there is still a lot of time for you to get into the fellowship. Perhaps this is the right time for a break, for things to slow down a little bit, for healing, as they say. There's no harm in resting at all."