Ecstasy, Misery

49 | birthday cake

i wish i was special

you're so fucking special

creep - radiohead (1992)

July 22nd, 1998

HARRY'S POV

I shouldn't have let it happen.

I have complete trust in Nova and she's officially my girl now, so I knew that if I pushed through some inevitable jealousy, I would be okay with fucking around a little with Keegan and Connor.

I knew her motives for helping Keegan experiment, although from an outsider might look suspicious, were innocent and sincere. I also knew that she's one of the biggest voyeur's I've ever met and I still can't wait to explore that side with her more over time.

But I didn't think about how it might fuck with her emotions and I'm ashamed of myself for the oversight.

I've been part of orgies with more than ten people per session. I've fucked strangers. I've fucked friends. Sex, up until her, was hardly ever something that involved emotion or commitment or a second thought.

But I'm the only person she's ever been intimate with and, fuck me, I should've known better than to think she was ready for something like a foursome.

Especially when it's with people we know.

Especially when one of those people is an ex fuck buddy of mine.

Especially when we've only been official for four fucking days.

I've been getting better at thinking with my head instead of my dick, but I slipped up. And I saw how excited she was to explore the situation, that I just gave her what she wanted without thinking about any possible consequences.

Last night, she was so upset that I thought she was going to start crying. I was surprised when she didn't. She seemed to be on the verge of tears for a long time after I got Keegan and Connor out of there.

After holding her for about a half hour, she was finally ready to talk. I mean, aside from the scattered apologies she would randomly murmur.

She said she got jealous. She said she didn't like the way that Connor and Keegan were looking at me. She said she didn't want them to see me cum, even if it's something Connor's seen countless times in the past.

She said she thinks they were both looking at me with something more than just lust in their eyes.

I hate that the foursome made her jump to these conclusions and feel so insecure. When she said these things, I immediately wished I could reverse time and take it all back.

She doesn't understand what sex can do to people. She doesn't know how many times while I've been fucking someone or getting fucked, people would look at me and for a split second I would think, shit, I hope they're not falling in love right now, but then as soon as they've reached their orgasm...they just roll over and I'd be discarded and waved away.

I don't doubt that she may have caught Keegan and Connor watching me in a way that felt too intimate. But sex is an intimate thing. We invited them to watch us at our most vulnerable and it's an intoxicating thing to see.

So I know it was nothing.

But I didn't want to lecture Nova and make her feel like I was waiving some sort of sexual superiority over here because of my years of experience. Especially in a moment where she was admitting insecurities and worry that were clearly hard for her to voice.