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I was stunned, no, shocked, no, frozen, no, there had to be another word to describe the feeling you get when you see an anomaly. I thought pigs flying would surely come before me ever seeing the eldest of my brothers cry. Felix who was so stone cold he didn't even bat an eye when Greg's pet Hamster Beepie escaped and got run over by a car. Our family mourned for months.
I didn't know what to say, I just stood there. Do I hug him? Would he want to be hugged? I was completely out of my depth here.
"Is that really how you feel?" He asked after we had both been awkwardly watching each other for a minute.
I thought about it for a breath.
"Yes."
His eyes shut and he brought his fingers to his brow as if fighting a headache. It was like all the pent up anger I held for my family evaporated. The minute I let it all out I felt calm. I could only imagine, I couldn't only guess, that's how one feels when they finally figure out what's been bothering them. That was actually how I felt.
I was ashamed of the family I had been taught to be proud of. I had been taught, La Familia è tutto, but sometimes, La familia freaking sucked.
"I'm sorry." He said blankly.
"What?" If I had anything in my mouth I surely would have choked.
"I'm sorry." He said again.
"Okay." I replied cautiously. What did that even mean? Did that mean things would change? Did that mean nothing would change he was just sorry. I held my breath, almost like I was afraid of scaring a butterfly that landed on my finger.
"I never meant for you to feel that way." Said the butterfly, "I wanted to protect you but not to stop you from living the life you want."
I could only blink. Was I dreaming? What I had wanted to hear this whole time was coming out of his mouth.
"I don't want you to be afraid of me." He sighed. I almost laughed out loud.
"Bull-" A glare from Felix made me change my next words, "poop"
"SEE? I can't even cuss in front of you."
"I'm sorry it's instinctual," Felix chuckled.
"You're not my dad." I said in a small voice.
"I know," He admitted, "But it feels like it sometimes. I watched you all grow up."
He paused longer as if getting ready to say something more. I waited.
"I held you in my arms when you were born did you know that? Dad wasn't there in the delivery room. He was working, they let me go in because mom was all alone, she told me to go back outside with the boys but I didn't listen, she needed me I knew. She screamed so much, you got stuck in the birth canal. It took her hours. I will never forget how it sounded. The boys were in the waiting room with one of the nurses who agreed to watch them out of kindness."
I didn't know any of this. My mom had never told me anything other than it was a hard delivery. I could picture it so vividly like it was a movie playing in my head. Little curly blond haired Felix being brave for his mom in the delivery room. His little brothers looking to him for support. I felt my eyes go watery.
"I couldn't help mom, I felt useless. I didn't understand much of what was going on. She just kept screaming and screaming and they realized you were stuck and they had to get you out. They were going to put her under and do a c-section because you would die if you didn't get oxygen soon, but she begged them not to because then who would take care of us if she had major surgery. They told her the other option would be painful and they would have to rip her open to reach you. She did it." He paused to catch his breath.
