After Her Love

13. A punching bag

"I'm fine, Aleksi.. " That came out so rehearsed that even I did not believe it anymore.

"But I felt like I left something undone, Iiris.. I should have done something when he grabbed you like that... " Aleksi mumbled quietly and I didn't know where to look. His presence made me feel so unsure about everything.

"It doesn't matter.. There is nothing you could have done anyway." I can't even imagine him facing Rauli. He was physically smaller than him, based on his looks. Or how should I know what he is capable of doing. Maybe he has black belt in karate or who the fuck knows what.

"Well it has been bothering me.. And based on what I saw, I was worried that maybe something bad is going on.. I saw the fear in your eyes that night... " The man tried to make eye contact. For a short moment he succeeded but by that time I already had to fight through the tears. Knowing that he knew made me want to tell him everything. From the look in his eyes I saw that this man here really cared but I had such a wall between my brain and mouth that I just could not get a word out. The connections were completely blocked and my heart was aching because of it.

"I appreciate that but.. "

"I won't do anything if you don't want to... I can't force you.. But I really want you to know that I'm here for you if you ever need something.. " Aleksi seemed to know all the right words. He can't force me, he just doesn't know that I can't say out loud the things I want. I have been hiding this all for so long that I have learnt how to avoid these kinds of conversations. With Aleksi it was difficult. With him, all the right things popped into my mind but a total bullshit left my lips. I felt bad but I couldn't help it. Not until I figured out a way to tell him what was really going on.

"How's your brother doing..?" Aleksi suddenly changed the topic and I felt relieved. I missed the conversation we had last time. It was the first one after a long time that I could just talk without thinking if he knew because right now it was not as smooth as it was and it sucked. I could not smile the way I did last time. Last time I felt like the person I used to be but now..

"Fine, I guess... Haven't talked with him.. " I hadn't talked with my brother for weeks to be honest. He is busy with his studies and we're not even that close because he is my step-brother. We share the same mom but we really never clicked that well. I know some step-sisters and brothers get along great but it was different with us. I tried to be a good sister but he blocked me out when he reached his teenage years and after that we sort of lost the connection we had. I still wrote to him sometimes to ask how he was doing because I was his only sister and I knew his dad never really cared about him. My dad was not around either, mom just always managed to find some men who ditched her quite fast which was sad because she was a good woman and mom. Or she tried, at least.. Right now I just wanted to lie to Aleksi that I didn't even have a brother and I made it all up just to have a chat with him. But no. I could not do that. I was not that evil. Just as Aleksi was about to open his mouth, loud laughter was carried into our ears and soon familiar looking people walked our way.

"Little man! I heard you run away from us. " Niko sat next to Aleksi and the rest of the band followed with all the women, except Joel's wife.

"Umh.. I.. "

"Hey, you're the girl from the bar!" Joonas' girlfriend, Pauline, recognized me. Fuck... I looked down on my drink and then Aleksi, from whose face I could read that he was sorry about them crashing our table. I would look extremely stupid if I now stood up and walked away so I had no other choice than paint the fake smile on my lips again and pretend to be the happy person I was not. Wearing the mask was my day to day job to avoid the curious faces.

"Hi.. Yeah.. You're all here... " I tried to act surprised. Aleksi gave me a little confused look but then he realized that I did not want them to know.