I Broke The Girl I Loved

He's Really Gone

The air felt stiff this Sunday morning, no gust of wind brushing into my window to wake me with its chill. It was quiet outside, the birds weren't chirping and no cars were driving down the streets; there was nothing but silence. The feeling of loss gripped at my heart knowing that today was the day that my father would be buried. He didn't have many close friends that he'd kept in touch with and our distant family couldn't come out on such short notice so it was just going to be Evie, Aydrian, and I at the funeral. I would've wanted something better for him, something greater but maybe less is more, at least I hope it is.

Before the funeral I asked that he be buried so when we arrive all that's there is an upright granite headstone with a serpentine top. I couldn't handle watching the redwood casket being lowered into the ground knowing that he was the one laying inside of it.

My movements were sluggish as I dragged myself out of bed and into the shower. The water was ice cold and after standing unmoving in there for so long my lips started to turn purple. I shut the water off and wrapped myself in a towel now staring at my lifeless eyes in the mirror. It's crazy to think how one moment, one minute, can change the course of someone's life entirely. I was less me now that my father was gone; I smiled less and cried more. Only when I was with Aydrian was that different, that's why I needed her by my side today.

I decided to wear something more on the casual side since we would be going to Aydrian's house for dinner after the funeral. I threw on a pair of black jeans and a white dress shirt. The chain my mom gave me found a new home in the trash when she left again; even though I loved it the memories it carried were too painful so I rid myself of it. I rolled the ends of my sleeves up to my mid forearm and combed my hands through my hair so it at least looked decent.

A light tap sounded at my bedroom door and I could hear Evie say, "Jayce we have to leave soon."

I opened my mouth to respond but no sound came out. She softly opened the door and came over to where I was, seated at the edge of my bed. My eyes were downcast, staring at the backs of my hands as they rested on my knees. Evie placed her small hand over top of mine and leaned her head against my shoulder.

"We have to go," she whispered.

She stood up and I reluctantly followed her down the stairs and out the front door. Aydrian was picking us up since I didn't feel like it would be a good idea for me to get into a car considering the state I was in. We waited on the porch in silence until Aydrian pulled up in her moms' dark grey 2016 Lexus.

Aydrian smiled softly at me as I climbed into the passenger seat and buckled in. I gave her a weak smile in return, not being able to form a real one. The whole car ride I stared mindlessly out the window, too lost in my own thoughts to even noticed that we'd arrived at the cemetery already. Aydrian cleared her throat and I opened my door to get out. Storm clouds were rolling in above our heads indicating that the heavens were going to be crying soon. I walked through the maze of headstones, every step weighing me down more than the one before.

My legs stopped moving as his headstone came into view. Aydrian continued walking and that's when I noticed what she was wearing. She had on a mid thigh length black dress that was covered in mesh flower. It was tightly fitted at the waist and extended loosely around her legs. She was carrying a bouquet of sunflowers which she placed down in front of his headstone before she returned back to my side.

Next was Evie who walked over and sat down on the floor, playing with the grass in front of her. I could faintly hear her whispering but I couldn't quite make out what it was that she was saying. After what felt like ages, Evie stood up and walked over to me, her yellow sundress now covered in blades of grass. Everything around me, everyone with me was quiet but my mind was not; every memory of my father, every plan we'd made but never lived out, every moment with him ran through my mind.

My voice came out rough and weak as I spoke for the first time today, "Can I be alone?"

"Of course," Aydrian responded instantly. "We'll be in the car."

With that, Aydrian and Evie turned around and weaved their way back to the car. I still hadn't made an effort to move any closer, the writing on the headstone was small from where I stood, insignificant to my eyes, and if I moved any closer the words would only become clearer making this real. He didn't deserve any of this. He deserved a loving wife, he deserved better friends and a better job, he deserved a better life in a better place with better people, he deserved a better son.

I started walking closer to his headstone.

"I don't know if you can hear me dad, but I miss you. I miss you a ton and it hurts to know that every day when I come home you won't be there to ask me how another day of my final year of high school is going," I was only hoping he could hear what I was saying as I continued, "You have done nothing but provide for me for nineteen years and no amount of words will ever explain how grateful I am for that."

It wasn't long before tears slide down my face as I tried to think of what else I could possibly say.

"I can't do this dad. I can't take care of Evie all alone and I can't manage so many work hours with so much school when I have such little time in a day. I don't know how you did it, raising me for nineteen years with a full time job as well as cooking and cleaning and everything else in between. Things just aren't the same with you gone. I don't know what else there is for me to say aside from I love you. Thank you for everything."

I went quiet and closed my eyes as I took deep breaths in and out to calm myself. The sky only grew darker as the clouds began to cry, their tears drenching my clothes. A branch broke behind me and I turned to see Aydrian standing with her arms open. Her hair stuck to her body the same way her clothes did as they soaked up the rain. I didn't hesitate to stand up and walk into her embrace. She soothingly rubbed my back as I cried on her shoulder, the both of us being engulfed by the rainwater.