Light Up The Sky

Chapter 29

"As a result of recent intelligence and forensic information, we have a strong and rational ground to suspect that a forty-two-year-old man named Vincente Manansala was involved in Laurice Baudelaire's murder and abandonment. The evidence was sufficient to arrest and charge the suspect. Police are not looking for Vivienne Amontillado's relation to Ms. Baudelaire's abandonment for the suspect already admitted the false statement he articulated to accuse Ms. Amontillado of the crime he did seven years ago. He also proffered his reasons for doing so. Our thoughts go to the Acosta family..."

Dad, although I still saw it, stealthily shook his head to mom that was why the latter took the remote control and pressed the off button of the TV. Nagkatinginan sina mom and dad as if nag-uusap silang dalawa through their eyes. Ganoon din sina Manang Terentina, Ate Nory, at iba pang kasama naming dito sa bahay bago sila nagsilabas sa room ko, iniwan ako kasama ang parents ko.

Yes, I am back at home.

After months of being in the hospital, I am now in my bedroom. Although, marami pa ring aparatong nakadikit sa mga braso ko para maipagpatuloy ang pagmo-monitor sa akin. The doctors visit me every day, to check some vitals and do some necessary tests.

Still, I am glad to be here. I feel safer. I feel sheltered. I feel like I am miles away from darkness.

I know things will get better. And, eventually, I'll be able to live a normal life again. Liam always reminds me of that. But right now, it's just hard. Very hard.

Because these days, the pain is worse than the night it happened.

There are still "dark" thoughts going through my mind. I couldn't help it, especially when I'm alone. Kahit anong pigil ko sa pag-iisip, hindi ko kaya. The more na iwinawaksi ko lahat sa isipan ko, the more kong naiisip.

There are times, I feel so bad all of a sudden. I always feel the emotional destruction that comes after that night. The horror and the pain and the fear every time I will close my eyes. My body and bones would ache so bad, that I couldn't even describe it. It was so hurtful, maddening, draining, and anxiety-inducing, and as much as I wanted to hide it and keep it to myself, I can't. Because I still feel scared.

Inaamin ko 'yon. Alam ko sa sarili ko 'yon. May takot pa rin 'yung buong pagkatao ko. Lalo na kapag wala akong ibang kasama. Kaya lagi akong tinatabihan ni Pascal sa tuwing walang maiiwan na magbabantay sa akin kasi gets ko naman na hindi iyon maiiwasan. Na kahit pa iniutos ni dad na palagi akong i-monitor, naiintindihan kong may mga bagay na hindi ma-kontrol ng tao, may mangyayari at mangyayari. And they have no choice but leave me... for at least a little while. I understand it. I fully understand it. Hindi naman sa akin umiikot ang mundo.

And I have to be independent. Na kahit ganito ang nangyari sa akin, hindi pwedeng ganito na lang palagi. Hindi pwedeng mabuhay ako na palagi na lang natatakot. Hindi pwedeng habangbuhay kong dalhin ang presensya no'ng taong nagdulot sa akin nito. Hindi pwedeng puro kadiliman na lang.

That's why I'm doing my best to cope. I'm currently in counseling at least two times a week. Aside from the medications and suppressants I have to take, I'm taking pills to ease my panic attacks. I'm trying to regain what I feel I've lost after everything that has happened. I'm trying to find that strength and bring back the joy, the zeal, the lightness. I'm trying to swim into this madness. I'm trying to make a progress. I'm trying my best with everything that I do because that's all I can do for myself for now.

I'm trying to think that the world isn't entirely a bad place.

"Vivienne," I flinched a little, pulling me out of the thoughts, when I hear my name being called by mom.

Napasulyap siya kay dad habang kinakagat ang ibabang labi as if she's apologizing to him. Then she looked at me with apologetic eyes and smiled a little. "I'm sorry."