Playing the Game

8. A Phone Call and a Ride Home

"I know," I nod, even though he can't actually see me.

There's a quiet exhale through the phone, the wave of his disappointment connecting through the distance. I know he's frustrated. I know all he wants is to feel that love returned, but I just... I can't. I can't offer something I don't completely feel. But I try in other ways. I try to show him I care, that he's important.

"You know." He repeats, but the frustration is still there.

"What do you want me to say, Ben? Do you want me to just throw the words back without meaning? Do you just want to hear them because that's what's expected?" I'm not trying to sound defensive, keeping my voice as calm as possible, but I'm also tired. I'm tired of defending my feelings for him, of trying to convince him he does mean something to me, I'm just not there yet.

"No," he answers, still a faded version of his usual peppy self. "I don't want you to lie, Mia. I just want you to be where I'm at, to feel what I'm feeling. But I don't think you ever will."

His words slice through me, the realization of where this conversation is going and why his voice is void of joy starts to click into place.

"Look," he continues before I have a chance to respond. "I fell in love with you a long time ago. It was fast. And I was okay waiting because I knew that what we had was good. But you going away this summer, and us being apart when we go to college, I just...it's getting a lot harder to feel what I do knowing you can't return it."

My head falls to my hand, his words carving into my chest. "It's not that I can't return it Ben, it's just that-"

"You don't want to," he finishes for me.

"What?"

"Mia," he jumps back in. "If you wanted to fall for me, to let yourself fall, then you would have by now. But you're still not there. And honestly, it fucking sucks to sit back and feel like what you're offering isn't enough. That no matter what I do, you're just not in this. Not in the way I am."

"Okay," I nod, getting what he is saying. "I understand what you feel when I can't return those words, but wanting to stay together through college, despite the distance, doesn't that tell you this isn't one sided? Doesn't that show you that I'm in this too?"

He's quiet, his breaths falling heavy as he prepares his next set of words. "I started seeing someone."

The words jump out in front of me, my back straightening as I take in exactly what he's saying to me right now. "I'm sorry," I shake my head, still trying to register what the hell just came out of his mouth. "You what?"

"I didn't mean for it to happen this way, but you have to understand how lonely I've been. Not just with you gone, but how alone I feel even when I'm with you. You don't let me in, Mia. You keep me close enough to be considered a couple but you're constantly pushing back any time I try to close this space between us."

"So, you're blaming me for you seeing someone else?"

"No. No, that's not what I'm saying."

"Did you sleep with her?"

"Mia-"

"I asked you a question, Ben. What exactly constitutes seeing someone else?"

He sighs. "No. I didn't sleep with her. We've just been hanging out and, well, last night I kissed her. I let her kiss me back and things just kind of kept going. When I didn't want to actually stop her, I realized-"

"That you're a cheating asshole?" I fire back.

"Mia-"

"No," I cut him off. "I really don't care what you have to say or what explanation you're trying to offer right now. You didn't want a challenge, remember? You didn't want to try long distance at all. And it's fine. If I really think about it, I didn't either. So you did us both a favor and just proved to me why I don't let guys in. You're all the fucking same. So don't give me some lame ass excuse about why you did it. Just own up to it, and we can both go our separate ways."