If Only

Chapter 8- Music Heals

I stare at the ceiling in the dark, listening to the faint breathing on Theodore sleeping next to me. My small fan that sits near my lamp buzzes in the deafening silence. I pick at my skin and nails, bored. I keep thinking about my parents and their ways of terrible parenting, which doesn't necessarily make me feel much, just a hint of anger. I think about Nadia and Reuben. They seemed worried that I wasn't at school. I wonder what went through their minds. Probably nothing. I think about Alphie. I wonder what he did today. I subconsciously begin to think about the girls. No. No. No.

I shoot up, breathing hard. Just the thought of the girls was enough to make my breathing quicken and my heart pump faster and my blood rush and my stomach churn and...

I was going to throw up.

I jump to my feet and rush to the bathroom, slapping my hand against the wall and flicking the light switch, not bothering to close the door. The light is blindingly bright, making me squint as I drop to my knees and lean over the toilet. As soon as I do, I vomit. It's a brownish color with bits of chicken and ramen noodle and green onion. My throat burns. My stomach churns again, causing me to vomit even more. I stay hunched over the toilet for an extended period of time, having no sense of how long I've been there.

I finally stand on wobbly legs, stumbling to the light switch as I flush the toilet. The lights going off brings instant relief. I sigh, and slump against the doorframe. Theodore stirs and stands, stretching with his butt in the air and his head and front paws stretched forward. He goes to the edge of the bed and hops down. He lands with a thud, falling to his side and instantly getting back up. Theo struts over to me and rubs against my leg while purring. I wipe my face with the bottom hem of my shirt and sigh, picking up Theodore. I walk over to my window and open it to reveal a sky full of stars. I sit on the little ledge by the window, just wide enough for my body, and stare out. I grab for my phone and see it's just after three in the morning. I turn it on, instantly plugging in my headphones. I push on my music app and go to my "The Neighborhood" playlist. I shuffle but end up skipping until it plays the song I want. 

I sing, taking a breath and pausing in between certain words. Theodore snuggles up in my arms, against my chest. I don't go to sleep for the rest of the night. I stay up, looking at the stars and listening to music. I might not have a lot, but I will say that I have a wonderful, though fairly diverse, music taste. Sleep doesn't cross my mind once. I just get lost in the music, disappearing into a fantasy world where all of my problems disappear. Or into a music video I make up for the song. Or anything my mind can think of. Anything that helps me escape.

I hear the door slam and watch as my parents kiss each other before getting into separate cars. I hear both of the rumble to life and then the crunching of gravel as they pull out of our driveway and head in opposite directions down the road.

I sigh. This meant I had only twenty minutes left before I had to be at the bus stop. I knew I needed to get up and get ready so I moved Theodore to my bed. Then I went and changed. I examined my outfit in the mirror. I'm wearing a baggy plain white t-shirt with my new hoodie. My parents, when they weren't busy yelling at me, had gotten me the hoodie as a gift. I pair the hoodie with my black-out high-top Converse and black ripped jeans. It's a rather dark outfit, completely different from the one I threw on yesterday but it works, oddly enough.. I head into my bathroom and gag. It smells of foul vomit from my three in the morning adventure to throw up. I back away and hold my nostrils closed, plugging out the smell.

"Gosh. What did I throw up?" I ask aloud even though I already know the answer. I head downstairs, leaving my bedroom door wide open. I go to the kitchen and reach under the sink, grabbing the Febreeze. I run back upstairs and vigorously spray my bathroom, bathing it in the scent of "Fresh Linen". I breath in a deep breath and almost choke on the spray still lingering in the air. I laugh and cough at the same time, which if you didn't know, isn't a good combination.