Clover

chapter 30.75: fuck you

⚠️Mental Abuse, Self-Hate
Cael,
I just got out of the hospital, and this is the first thing I'm fucking doing. Embarrassing.

Don't think for a fucking second I'm doing this for you. My doctor told me this would be good. Cathartic was the word she used.

I doubt your dumbass will understand what it even means.

She visited me the day after I woke up. Dr. Kennedy. I wasn't expecting that. I'm pretty sure my actual doctor who was responsible for keeping me alive and shit directly advised against it, but she came anyway.

It was then I decided to tell her about you. About me. About us (ew).

I told her about the letters. She's the only person I've ever told, and some part of me, the part still tainted by you screamed in protest while I did so.

How fucked up am I?

Some, crazy, twisted part of me still wanted to protect you. After all you put me through.

I haven't written to you since the night Elias introduced me to his mum. I think that was the first time I fully felt the weight of all that I'm fucking feeling for him, and I know now that what I felt for you could never even begin to compare.

I loved you, I really truly did. I was convinced I was nothing without you. There is no Nevaeh Reyes without Cael. That much was definitely fucking true for a while, but only because you made it so.

You reached into my mind and knotted it around you. I was your willing experiment. You were fucking everything to me.

The day I left you, I felt like a part of me was torn away. The sound of your voice calling for me still plagues my mind whenever I let it drift to you.

But now, it's a beautiful reminder of how fucking controlling you were.

I realise now how unhealthy that was. How terrible. I know now that love doesn't feel like that.

You never loved me, Cai. You suffocated me and squashed me down to fit into your perfect little mould. But I was never fucking enough. There never will be anyone who's fucking enough for you. I know that now.

Elias doesn't make me feel like that Cael. He makes me feel bigger. He makes me smile brighter, stand taller. He makes sure that my presence is known and celebrated, and he makes me feel valued. That was something you never could do.

When I'm with him, my mind stills. My stomach settles, and the ache is replaced with a feeling of calm. Security. He makes me feel safe, and he makes me feel like it's okay to be just Nevaeh Reyes. Nothing more and nothing less. He makes me feel like that's enough.

I mistook the quickening of my heartbeat at the sound of your name for love. It wasn't love, Cai. It was fear. Pure unadulterated fear.

Ember said it best; you were the arsenic I willingly ingested day after day.

No more.

I'm happy with myself for the time being.

Recovery isn't linear.

Elias taught me that. But at least I'm recovering. I'm finding myself, away from you, and I need you to respect that.

I'm strong, but I'm not strong enough to rebuild myself a second time. If you come back-

This is the last time I'll write to you, and yet this time, I don't want you to ever be in a position where you get to read it.

You don't deserve to know how much I fucking cared for you, even if it was misplaced. You don't deserve to feel that.

I know that now.

And I'm okay with that.

Fuck you,

Nevaeh Reyes x