After Her Love

4. Behind these hazel eyes

A little past twelve I was finally at the youth center and checking my emails, after which I started to plan for some things to do with the kids once they came here. The youngest came usually around two and the teenagers started to show up sometime after four and five. I had so many ideas about what to do with the kids, but I decided to do some cooking lessons for the younger kids because I had an evening shift at the bar later, so I'd be leaving just when the older kids come. When Rauli and I first got together then we both knew that we wanted a family. I liked kids, obviously, and so did he. Or that's what he told me. I still wasn't completely sure what his opinion about kids really was. Although I was just 18 then, I somehow felt that he was the man I wanted to be my childrens' dad. He seemed to be so down to earth, smart and caring... Everything he is not right now and it broke my heart.

And it broke my heart even more to see how curious and fun children could be, or how they wanted to try each and every thing by themselves.

"Iiris! Iiris! Look! The muffins are rising so fast in the oven!" Hanna said while pointing towards the oven. I knelt down next to her and smiled.

"You know why they do so?" I asked her and saw how she placed her index finger under her chin.

"Because... Because... It has so much sugar in the dough so they get fat." She said, looking so confident over her answer. I laughed quietly and shook my head.

"That is a good guess but it's not quite right... It is a reaction between the baking powder and the liquid that makes them rise. "

"Oh... Can it explode?" Hanna asked and peeked into the oven again.

"No, no it can't, don't worry about it." I smiled, ruffled her hair and went to check how the other kids were doing.

The results were of course very tasty. Baking had always been one of my favorite things to do and it calmed me down. Usually, after a big fight with Rauli, I'd bake something. And that mostly happened during the nights. On those occasions he has also woken up in the middle of the night and came to check what I was doing up so late. No matter how big the fight was, he'd help me clean the bowls and the surfaces and act like nothing happened. He would then also guide me back to the bed, cuddle with me and apologize... He was that toxic but at the same time so sweet... And thinking about that made a lonely tear escape the corner of my eye.

"Iiris.. What's wrong?" Sami, my coworker asked. I snapped back to reality and quickly wiped away the tears.

"Nothing... I just held a sneeze back.. "I lied and checked the clock on the wall.

"Shit.. I.. Can you help them to decorate the cupcakes..? I need to run to the next job... " I asked and started to walk towards the backroom without even listening to his answer. I closed the door behind me and cursed.

"Don't think about him while working... Don't think about him while working.." I repeated my mantra and pulled my jacket on. I worked a lot so I could think about other things so I cannot let him intrude in my mind while I am not with him.

"Iiris?" I heard Sami's voice behind the door. With a deep sigh I opened the door and let him in.

"You good?" He then asked and sat on the chair next to the door. So far I have managed to hide everything from my personal life. No one knew a thing about it. I never told anything to my coworkers because it was easier for me. Rauli would find it out if I told something and I would get beaten up again.

"Yeah.. I am.. " I smiled and put my scarf around my neck.

"Are you? You have been so.. I don't even know how to say it but.. Not yourself lately.. Has something happened?" Sami wondered and I started to feel so uncomfortable. Was it so obvious? Has he seen or heard something? Where did he know? I was getting paranoid. Was there something on my face that I hadn't noticed? Something on my arms? Do I look like I have cried this morning?