Revenant

29| Unfair

ARABELLA'S POV

A familiar dull feeling crept into the deepest pit of my gut, as though something truly terrible was about to happen.

And despite the fact that, there was already a looming crisis, likely of impending war, my intuitive feeling was related to something I can't quite put my finger on.

These lingering and unsettling feelings left me increasingly confused, and the more I couldn't decipher it, the worse it got, as if, my gut-feeling was forewarning me of what was to come.

It might sound illogical, and it's possible that I could be overreacting but I just couldn't shake these paranoid fears of something that were imminently coming closer to grave consequences.

These fears may or may not be justified.

But I can't afford to act on impulse, I could only afford to be logical.

This is my reality.

I'm not supposed to be fearful, anxious, or even remotely irrational. There are cages around my heart, reminding me to stay numb of these feelings and to be on guard at all times.

My heart ached in panic, wanting to free itself of the shackles I'd bound it in. My eyes sting from wanting to let out tears to distress.

I could only wonder when these sufferings will end. I fought with everything that came my way, and I am tired.

I am exhausted.

I growingly became more vulnerable to my anxieties, owing to the flashes of intuitions that suggested nothing else but trouble.

Times like these made me want to give up and let life have its way with me, to destroy me, because I honestly don't know how to keep going on.

But I have no choice,

I have to keep fighting, not only for myself, but also for the people I care about, my family.

I came too far ahead, and now I just can't stop.

I don't have the option to give up anymore.

I can only fight until the bitter end.

I'm not sure how much longer I can keep fighting the battles in order to stay alive. I don't know how many more of these battles are lined up for me, but I have been giving it my all since the beginning.

All of these difficulties, however, do not appear to be going away anytime soon.

I don't understand the things that are going on around me, they are only making me feel lost and helpless, but I can only keep pushing myself.

I can only concern myself with guarding my mind from the storms that rage within.

I can only trouble myself to brace these difficulties head on and gaining the strength I'll need for the days ahead.

I wanted comfort.

I wanted peace.

My gaze seems to have been pulled unconsciously towards Rhett, and almost instantly the throbbing in my heart increased manifold.

"Rhett, when is this going to end? I'm sick of this life, sick of these paranoid feelings, sick of having to worry about another of the tricks and tactics from our rivals. How much longer will this continue to go?" I managed to phrase out my uneasy feelings, while my eyes have now locked on my hand resting in my lap, which was shaking in frenzy.

Rhett was quiet, but I could feel the weight of his gaze on me. The grip on my other hand, which was still in Rhett's grasp, tightened causing me to let out a shuddered breath.

"I am tired, Rhett." I whispered, my eyes welled up with tears and I reflexively gazed out of the window, resting my head against it, finally letting go of the tears I had been holding back.

"I hate it, I hate all of this. This is so unfair. Everytime I get a glimmer of happiness, some thing comes along and ruthlessly snatch it away from me. Why can't I just be happy? Why is my life spiralling exhaustingly out of control? Why is it such an impending disaster? Why couldn't I just have a normal childhood, a normal family, and a normal life? Why do I have to be excessively concerned about staying alive, why do I have to learn of the ways of killing, why to I have to keep dodging all these shady manoeuvres that are out there for me or my family? Why can't I just be a normal 17 year old, worrying about boyfriends, what to wear, where to go eat, or freaking out about getting a stupid pimple? Why can't I be normal enough to think about my future plans, the desires I never bothered to consider because guess what, I don't even know if I'll be alive to see yet another fucking day. Why can't I go to stupid highschool party to drink and dance all I want? Why am I not allowed to make friends anymore? I can't even face the ones I already have, since it's too dangerous to be related to me, and I can't risk their lives again. Why is it wrong for me to ask for everything that I deserve, when I've only ever been dealing with every thing that I did not deserve over and over? For once, I want to be the owner of my own destiny, I want to control my own life. I want to travel the whole world without fearing of getting kidnapped or shot. I want to go on a picnic with my family. I want to do all the simple things that I can't even afford to think about. I JUST WANT TO BE FUCKING NORMAL, WHY IS THAT TOO MUCH FOR ME TO ASK?!!" I yelled out hysterically in between my sobs, my accusatory eyes glaring at Rhett.

My voice was breaking and I was sobbing uncontrollably. I desperately poured out my emotions that were heavily weighing down on me, suffocating me with their intensity.

Feeling Rhett's probing gaze, I felt stripped naked, my emotions were completely exposed to Rhett's eyes to see.

I instinctively raised my hand to frantically wipe the stream of tears flowing down my chin.

I felt weak.

"Am I a fool to expect the world to be fair to me? I understand that life is unfair, but what is happening to me is fucking ridiculous." I muttered, as I let out a deep, helpless sigh.

Rhett was stealing glances my way every now and then while driving the car, worry was one emotion that was dominating the pool of emotions resting in his eyes.

Obviously, getting home safely was criticality important, but I didn't want to take that route.

I simply didn't want to return home to whatever was awaiting for me,

I wanted to go far away where no one knew who I was.

Where I didn't have to keep worrying about fighting and surviving all the time.

Where I could finally find my peace.

I just wanted to escape this cruelty,

I wanted to escape reality,

I just wanted to leave.

**

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